February 5, 2011
Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, MN
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Hotel

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GK: Back after this message from AHA ----- the American Hotel Association.

It happens like this. Your roof isn't insulated so heat radiates out (DRIPPING) melting the underside of the snow on your roof which collects in the gutter and freezes and makes an ice dam (CRACKLING OF ICE FORMATION) and water backs up behind it (SLOSH) and leaks down between the shingles and (DRIPPING) you wake up in the night and cold water is dripping on you (TK WAKES UP) and your wife is mad at you (TK WOMAN: I TOLD YOU TO FIX THAT LAST SEPTEMBER!!!! WHY DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME????) (ICE GROANS). So you put on 18 layers of clothes (ELASTIC SNAPS) and a ski mask (MUFFLED VOICE) and you get an axe and you go outside (BLIZZARD) and up the ladder (SFX) to the gutter and you hack away at the ice (CHOPPING) and it's hard work and the ice is solid and you give it a mighty whack and (CRUNCH OF WOOD) you chop right through your roof and now hundreds of gallons of water are flowing down between the walls. Your wife cries out. (TK WOMAN: WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE???) So you get out the crowbar and the sledgehammer and you (SFX) tear out the interior wall the water went pouring down (CREAKING, CRUNCHING, HAMMER ON PLASTER) and you have to get a chainsaw to cut through (CHAINSAW) and you find there are rats in there (SFX) and bats (BATS WINGING AROUND)...

GK: ... and your wife has gone for the shotgun and (TK WOMAN: Out of my way!!!!) (GUNSHOTS, CLOSE) and you run out the door and (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN) that 200-pound icicle hanging from the eaves comes crashing down (EXPLOSION) a foot and a half away, and ---- your day is pretty well shot. So what do you do? (PLEASANT MUSIC)

Somewhere near you is a hotel. Go there. A helpful man will meet you at the door and carry your suitcase in (TK GRUFF: HERE, I GOT IT) and a well-trained professional behind the counter will check you in. (TK WOMAN: Welcome to Mel's Motel.) And in no time you'll be in a quiet tastefully decorated room. A room with a TV and a remote. (TV AUDIO) Perhaps a bed with magic fingers. (VIBRATION) There is a shower, there is free shampoo (SQUORT) and conditioner (SQUORT). And there is a Bible in every room. (TK: And the Lord said unto them, Behold I have prepared for you a dwelling place.) And best of all, there's room service. (TK: Grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of chili.) And maid service. (TK LADY SOFT: Hi. Want me to do your room now?) It's all waiting for you...at a hotel not too far away. If it's not going well, try a hotel. (MUSIC BUTTON)