Guy Noir, 2011
Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, MN
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Guy Noir

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TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME)

GK: It was February and bitterly cold. Cold drafts in the office. I had to wear a fur cap and a fur piece around my neck which does not inspire confidence in clients, not that I had any. It was too cold.

SS (SUGAR): Hi Guy. It's me. Sugar. Remember? We dated for eleven years. I was the one you said was the light of your life, the woman of your dreams?

GK: Hi Sugar. How are you?

SS (SUGAR): Don't ask.

GK: Okay. I withdraw the question.

SS (SUGAR): Anyway ---- would you mind going out to dinner with me on Valentine's Day, Guy? I just want to have dinner in candlelight with a warm body nearby. No need to talk. You can just chew if you like. My treat.

GK: Okay. Well, let me check my schedule. February 14. Yep. Wide open.

SS (SUGAR): Eight o'click at the S'il Vous Plait Cafe. (BRIDGE)

GK: The thought of Sugar made me hungry for lunch, so I called up Danny's Deli.

TK (TEEN): Danny's Deli. Wendell, speaking. Hi Mr. Noir.

GK: Hey Danny, I am thinking lunch and I'm thinking corned beef on rye. What do you say?

TK (TEEN): Out of corned beef, Mr. Noir.

GK: Salami? Ham? Chicken?

TK (TEEN): Out of that.

GK: How can you be out of chicken?

TK (TEEN): I've got some turkey but the package says: Sell By November 2008.

GK: I don't think so.

TK (TEEN): Got pastrami.

GK: Fine. On rye?

TK (TEEN): Pumpernickel. Poppyseed pumpernickel.

GK: Pastrami on poppyseed pumpernickel. How about cole slaw?

TK (TEEN): No cole slaw. Got potato salad. With paprika.

GK: And a pickle?

TK (TEEN): Got pickled pepper.

GK: Pastrami on poppyseed pumpernickel, potato salad with paprika. Pickled pepper. Soda pop?

TK (TEEN): Pepsi.

GK: Pie?

TK (TEEN): Pumpkin.

GK: Pastrami on pumpernickel, potato salad with paprika, pickled pepper, Pepsi, pumpkin pie. Can you deliver?

TK (TEEN): Sorry. No delivery. Mr. Pupkin is out sick with the polyps.

GK: How about you, Wendell?

TK (TEEN): I'm going to visit my aunt Pippi in California.

GK: California!!

TK (TEEN): Pacific Palisades. (STING, BRIDGE)
(DOOR OPEN, JINGLE OF BELL)

GK: Ten minutes later, I walk into Danny's Deli for my pastrami on pumpernickel and who's there sitting at the counter but Rico and he's on his cellphone and -----

TR (RICO): Me? Yeah. I'm gonna watch the Super Bowl. In Switzerland. -----Right. Switzerland. ----- Oh, you bet I do. ----- Big time. ----- Gonna be huge. -----

GK: I noticed a slip of paper he had dropped on the floor. I picked it up to hand it to him and then I read it. It said: "Wikiwomen." And an address. And there were some numbers. Large numbers with a lot of zeroes. And dollar sign.

TK (TEEN): Got your pastrami on pumpernickel, potato salad with paprika, pickled pepper, pumpkin pie, but we're out of Pepsi.

GK: What you got?

TR (TEEN): Papaya prune juice.

GK: Fine.

TR (RICO): Excuse me. ----- Hey, Noir. What you doing pussy-footing around, listening in on private conversations, huh? Beat it. ----- (ON PHONE) No, talking to a gumshoe here, Muggsy. ---- Yeah. Two o'clock. I'll call you when it's over. (BRIDGE)

GK: I knew about Wikiwomen. An underground feminist group that believes men are responsible for all human suffering ----- MENopause, MENstrual cramps, MENtal illness, disappointMENt, HISterectomies, MALEvolence ---- but the numbers ---- the dollar signs --- the Super Bowl ---- Switzerland.
(BRIDGE) I decided to go undercover to a Wikiwomen meeting and find out more and I went to Mr. Happy's House of Costumes in Lowertown.

TK (LOW, WHISPER): How about a nice loose gown in pink or green and a blonde wig and a pair of high heels? You comfortable in high heels?

GK: Not really. Couldn't I wear a pantsuit?

TK: A pantsuit, you're going to look rather manly. A gown is the way to go. This is very silky, flowing, very flattering to the figure. And the blonde wig, I can give you in a bob, pageboy, or braids.

GK: I'll take the bob.

TK: Nice choice. Lipstick? How about a nice coral.

GK: Not coral.

TK: We got coral, lust devil, or walnut fudge. 

GK: Lust devil?

TK: Bright red.

GK: And walnut fudge is—

TK: Brown.

GK: Coral it is. 

TK: I'll toss in the nylons and the control top for free. Now let's talk shoes. (BRIDGE)

GK: I went to the WikiWomen meeting (WOMEN MURMUR) A few dozen women eating fruit bars and there in the midst of them, Rico ---- I stood off in the corner and tried to look demure.

SS (FLEXNER): kay, WikiWomen! The meeting will come to order. Will the new members introduce themselves?

TK (WOMAN): Amber.

SS (FLEX): Welcome, Amber.

TR (WOMAN): Cheryl.

SS (FLEX): Thank you. And you?

GK: Me?

SS (FLEX): Introduce yourself, please.

GK: Gayle.

SS (FLEX): I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.

GK: Gayle.

SS (FLEX): And where are you from, Gayle?

GK: Galesburg.

SS (FLEX): Thank you. Okay, let's talk about Operation Turnover. Tomorrow. Super Bowl Sunday. Everybody on board---- (WOMEN HIGH FIVES: YO!) 

SS (FLEXNER): Good. Operation Turnover is scheduled for the 2nd half of the Packer-Steeler game. All across America, three million women are going to walk into the living room on cue and give their husbands a cold beer and a bowl of pork rinds and kiss him where he's lying in a stupor in front of the TV and then hand him this slip of paper and say, "Oh, I forgot---- could you sign this, please?" and give him a pen and he signs it and you say, Thanks, how's the game? And that's it-----

TR (LADY): What is the paper again?

SS (FLEXNER): It's a simple transfer of assets. He signs this, you own everything. Everything.

TK (WOMAN): Oh my gosh! 

TR (LADY): Is this going to work?

TK (WOMAN): Why would he sign it??

JS: Girlfriends----- he's had a couple quarts of beer ----- he's full of cheese dip ----- the score is 16-10 ----- you put the paper down and you kiss him and that confuses him and you say "did you take the garbage out?" He'll sign it, girlfriends. 

SS (FLEXNER): And then you will bring your signed transfer slip to headquarters and on Monday morning we'll go to the Federal Reserve ----- representing the three million women taking part in Operation Turnover ----- and sixty-seven billion dollars will change hands. (WOMEN HIGH-FIVE, CHEERS)

GK: She had a white board there and she drew it all out for them-----

SS (FLEXNER): Here you are ----- X------ and here he is,Y.
(SQUEAKING MARKER). You come around back of him. (MARKER SQUEAKS). Bring him the cheese dip. (MARKER) Another beer and a shot of whiskey. (MARKER) Yes, Amber?

TK (WOMAN): You say the score will be 16-10?

SS (FLEX): That is correct. At the beginning of the 2nd half, the score will be Green Bay 16, Pittsburgh 10, and then Green Bay will throw an interception and Pittsburgh will run it all the way back for a touchdown and right then is when you hand him the transfer slip. He signs it and then you fill in the amount afterward.

TK (WOMAN): But how do we know what the score will be?

JS: Girlfriends---- Think.

SS (FLEXNER): Tell them, Rico-----

TR (RICO): Yeah. It's like this. There never has been a Super Bowl game that's been fixed before but that's because there never was enough money on the table. Now there is. A billion dollars. Believe me, that interception is going to be right there. On the money.

SS (FLEXNER): And on Monday morning, we will deposit the money to cover the bets we made on Friday and Saturday.

GK: We're betting on the game?

JS: You bet your booty, Gayle. Six trillion dollars worth. And when we settle up on Monday, women will own this country. We'll be reading about Mrs. Warren Buffett and Mrs. Bill Gates. Mayor Bloomberg's girlfriend will take charge.

SS (FLEXNER): Okay. Any other questions? Good. Let's go get what's coming to us, ladies.(LADIES HIGH FIVE) (STING, BRIDGE) 

GK: My pantyhose were starting to itch and I headed home. The wealth of an entire nation was about to transfer away from my gender. I changed in my car and drove over to the Five Spot and I told Jimmy what I'd seen.

(BAR AMBIENCE)
TR (JIMMY): What are you talking about? Are you nuts?

GK: It's the biggest scam in the history of the country, Jimmy. By this time on Sunday, we men are going to be serfs. They're gonna use the Super Bowl to take over this country. Unless we wake up.

TR (JIMMY): Awwwww. Have a beer.

GK: Twenty-four hours to oblivion, Jimmy. We gotta arouse the nation.

TR (JIMMY): Here. On me. (OPEN BOTTLE, POUR)

(DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS)

TR (JIMMY): Oh look, here's Sugar.

SS (SUGAR): There you are, Guy. I've been looking all over for you. So you want to watch the game together Sunday, huh Guy?

GK: I thought we were going out to dinner.

SS (SUGAR): I changed my mind. Let's watch the Super Bowl.

GK: I don't know.

SS (SUGAR): You don't know? What kinda guy doesn't want to watch the Superbowl?

GK: It's just a bunch of guys running at each other and falling down...

SS (SUGAR): (GASP) What is that?

GK: What's what?

SS (SUGAR, FLAT): You've got lipstick on your face. Coral lipstick. Why you----- (SLAP) You two-timer-----

GK: Sugar------

SS (SUGAR): Who is she?

GK: Sugar, I put it on myself.

SS (SUGAR): You put lipstick on?

GK: How do you like it?

SS (SUGAR): I had no idea you were that kind of guy. ----- No wonder things didn't work out between us. ----- Oh, let's watch the Super Bowl. C'mon.

GK: I don't know, Sugar.

SS (SUGAR): Unless you'd rather go shopping.

GK: Fine. We'll watch the Super Bowl. I

(THEME) TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets.  But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME OUT)