Guy Noir, April 2, 2011
Town Hall in New York, NY
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Guy Noir

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(GUY NOIR THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life’s persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME UP AND OUT)

GK: It was April and I was in New York, working on secret assignment for Mayor Bloomberg

TR (BLOOMBERG): The governor and the legislature are working a deal up in Albany for a state budget that’s an act of larceny. They are picking our strawberries and giving us back a bushel of sandburs. It’s an outrage. I am outraged. ---- Do I look outraged?

GK: No, you look like a very calm multi-billionaire.

TR (BLOOMBERG): How about now? I am outraged! (STAMPS FOOT THREE TIMES)

GK: You’re looking peeved.

TR (BLOOMBERG): Okay. ----- I am outraged by these conniving, canoodling con men, cat bandits, gyp artists, and junkies in Albany who are robbing New York City to balance their budget ----- (GLASS BREAKAGE) they are robbing Wall Street to give to Wappingers Falls, robbing Brooklyn to give to Binghamton, robbing Manhattan to give to Mount Kisco! Mount Kisco! (GLASS BREAKAGE) ---- How was that?

GK: That was better.

TR (BLOOMBERG): I mean, do people come from all over the world to see Schenectady??? When the Pope flies in from Rome, is he all excited to visit Buffalo?? (STING, BRIDGE)

GK: So the Mayor asked me to be on duty and when upstate legislators visited New York , to get photographs of them going into unsavory places and if they go to a coffeeshop make sure somebody spills soup on them.

TR (BUFFALONIAN): Boy o boy, I donno how anybody can live in a place like this ---- gosh, all this traffic and noise and people walking to beat the band ---- my gosh ----- (SPLORT) Hey!!!!

SS (NY ROUGH): What’s your problem? I spilled a little soup on you. Not gonna hurt you. (BIGGER SPLORT)

TR (BUFFALONIAN): Hey, what’s going on?

SS (NY ROUGH): It’s only salad dressing. Here, take a tissue. Wipe it off. (CRASH)

TR (BUFFALONIAN): Gosh, you are clumsy. (BRIDGE)

GK: Budget-cutting time in the legislature. It’s a war is what it is and war does not bring out the best in people, no matter what you may have read. And legislators from small towns love to make mayors of big cities suffer.

SS (RURAL): Down on the ground, Mayor Bloomberg.

TR (BLOOMBERG): What are you doing?

SS (RURAL): Gimme a hundred situps. Quick. Come on. One, two, three, four, five. (BRIDGE)

GK: So I tried to follow these guys around town and I trailed one of them into a club called the BoomBoom Room and I tried to get in and-----

FN: Hey, bro, you don’t go there.

GK: You let him in.

FN: That means nothing.

GK: Who are you?

FN: I’m the bouncer. Want me to bounce you? It hurts.

GK: Look----

FN: You look. You do the lookin. If you wanna mix it up, let’s go, what you waitin for----- you giving me a buttload of trouble so I say bring it on ----- I’ll slap you so bad you’ll run right back to Hicksville where you come from. (BRIDGE)

GK: So I got distracted. Politics is only so interesting and then there’s real life. I kept getting calls from Minnesota on my cellphone. (RING) Yeah. Noir here.

SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, it’s my husband! He keeps wandering away from home.

GK: It’s spring, ma’am.

SS (ON PHONE): It is?

GK: Warm weather. Man loses his sense of purpose. Is he carrying his snow shovel?

SS (ON PHONE): Yes, he is.

GK: Well, you see. He misses the challenge of keeping the sidewalk shoveled. Put him on the phone.

SS (ON PHONE): Okay. ----- Sam?

TR (ON PHONE): Hi.

GK: Go lie down, sir. Take off your boots and lie down. On the grass.

TR (ON PHONE): What about the sidewalk?

GK: It’s okay.

TR (ON PHONE): There’s still snow in the woods.

GK: Don’t go in the woods and don’t go out on the lake.

TR (ON PHONE): I don’t know what to do with myself.

GK: Lie down on the grass.

TR (ON PHONE): For how long?

GK: As long as it takes. (PHONE RING) Sorry, I’ve got another call. (CLICKS) Yeah, Noir here.

FN (ON PHONE): Yeah, say---- I’m having my mother over for Easter and I’m wondering how to cook a ham for dinner.

GK: Buy one that’s pre-cooked.

FN (ON PHONE): Pre-cooked?

GK: Yes, it says pre-cooked on the label.

FN (ON PHONE): So it doesn’t need to be cooked?

GK: You just warm it up.

FN (ON PHONE): What temperature would you warm it up at?

GK: It probably says on the label. Probably around 325.

FN (ON PHONE): For how long?

GK: It’ll tell you on the label. It depends on weight.

FN (ON PHONE): What would you guess?

GK: Ask your wife.

FN (ON PHONE): I’m not married. Just have a girlfriend. That’s why Mother’s coming over. To meet Jennifer. Let me ask you this, should Mother sit on my right or on my left? And which side should Jennifer sit on?

GK: Your mother should sit on your right and your girlfriend should sit on her backside

FN (ON PHONE): Oh. Okay. What should we talk about?

GK: You talk about your girlfriend’s ovaries. FN (ON PHONE): Her ovaries?

GK: Your mother’s interested in getting grandchildren, so she needs to know what shape the ovaries are in. If you have a lab report on hand, that’s good. Any sonograms, all the better. After that, you can talk about anything. Doesn’t matter.

FN (ON PHONE): Thanks.

GK: You’re welcome. (PHONE RING) Got another call coming in. (CLICKS) Yeah, Guy Noir here.

TR (BLOOMBERG): It’s me. Mayor Bloomberg.

GK: Yes, sir. How’s it going.

TR (BLOOMBERG): Okay. Listen, my office wants me to go to church on Easter. They say it’s important. They got me a pew in a Unitarian church. Anything I need to know?

GK: No, just relax and listen and try to come up with a lot of questions. Unitarians are all about questions.

TR (BLOOMBERG): What’s the sermon going to be about?

GK: I donno. Probably about spring and new life and the sense of wonder in each of our lives, I guess, and they will try not to mention You Know Who. TR (BLOOMBERG): Do I need to get an Easter outfit? A tie or some white shoes or a straw hat or something of that nature?

GK: Not in the Unitarian church. Catholic, yes. Unitarians, you want to maybe wear a t-shirt with a message on it.

TR (BLOOMBERG): I’ve got one that says, “This Mayor Does Not Give Off Methane”------

GK: That’d be good. (PHONE RING) Sorry, Mayor. Got another call. (CLICKS) Yeah, Guy Noir.

SS (DEEP, ROUGH): Hi. It’s Roxy. What you doing for dinner on Sunday?

GK: Probably head downtown to a cafeteria for the Early Bird Buffet and sit in a back booth and read about the rich and glamorous.

SS (DEEP, ROUGH): You care to make it a twosome?

GK: I don’t like to have someone watch when I’m eating mashed potatoes and gravy. I get carried away sometimes. Sometimes I get gravy in my hair.

SS (DEEP, ROUGH): I could take off my bifocals and put on my reading glasses.

GK: You could. SS (DEEP, ROUGH): And afterward we could go dancing. Back at my place. The old tunes. (SHE SINGS) “Well, she was just 73, and she was looking at me, and they way she looked in her silver hair. How could I dance with another---- Ooooooo----- when I saw her standing there……”

GK: Some other time.

SS (DEEP, ROUGH): Hey, it’s spring. It’s time for love.

GK: I’m in New York.

SS (DEEP, ROUGH): I can fly out there. I’ve got mileage.

GK: I’ll bet you do. (THEME)

TR: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life’s persistent questions – Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(MUSIC OUT)

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