The Lives of the Cowboys, April 9, 2011
Town Hall in New York, NY
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The Lives of the Cowboys

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(THEME)

SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Aloe Saddles, the healing saddle. And now: The Lives of the Cowboys.

(HORSES WALKING ON CONCRETE, CREAKY CARRIAGE, PARK SFX)

TR: I never dreamed we'd wind up this low, Lefty. We come to New York to be in a Broadway play and we wind up driving a carriage around Central Park looking at two horse butts. (HORSE FART) If this ain't humiliating ----- two cowboys become carriage hacks.

GK: It's good money, Dusty. (HE CLICKS TO HORSE, SNAPS REIN) Try to look pleasant, Dusty. People don't want to ride with a picklepuss. Smile. Carriage ride, folks. Once around the park for just $50. Includes a singing cowboy here to serenade you. (HORSES STOP)

SS (SOUTHERN): Look, honey. Here's a carriage. What do you say?

TR: Uh oh.

FN (SOUTHERN, OFF): Are you available?

GK: Step right up. Give the lady a hand, Dusty.

TR: Watch your step, ma'am.

FN (SOUTHERN): Here, take the bags. (LONG SEQUENCE OF PAPER BAGS)

GK: My, you folks have been doing some shopping.

FN (SOUTHERN): We're up from Georgia. My fiancée Melissa and I.

SS (SOUTHERN): Sentence fragment, Gerald.

FN (SOUTHERN): Oh. Right. (CLEARS THROAT, CONCENTRATES) My fiancée Melissa and I are up from Georgia.

GK: Pleased to meet you.

FN (SOUTHERN): How much to go all around the park?

SS (SOUTHERN): Sentence fragment. ---- What Gerald means is, What would you charge us for a ride around the entire Park?

GK: Well, I'm just not sure I can talk the horses into it. They're creatures of habit, you know. They come to the Mall and they turn around and head for 59th Street. I'll do my best, though. Giddup. Haw. Go. (SNAP REIN, HORSES GO INTO WALK) You folks care for a song?

FN (SOUTHERN): That'd be right nice. Let me put my arm around you, Melissa.

(GUITAR STRUMMING)

GK (SINGS, JIMMY RODGERS "TREASURES UNTOLD):
Riding with you down the Avenue
People can see we're in love.
An elegant pair in the spring air...

SS (SOUTHERN): Excuse me. Pardon me. (GUITAR STOPS)

GK: Yes?

SS (SOUTHERN): I'm sorry but I'm an English teacher, and you have a dangling participle there. "Riding with you down the Avenue... people can see we're in love"----- "people" aren't riding with me---- do you see what I mean?

FN (SOUTHERN): Melissa is very particular about language.

SS (SOUTHERN): Words are important. The participial phrase that begins the sentence does not modify what follows next ---- "Riding with you" does not modify "people" ----

GK: Okay. Thank you. (GUITAR STRUMS)
Watching us two on the avenue,
People will think we're in love.

SS (SOUTHERN): That's better.

GK: An elegant pair in the spring air,
The bright city lights up above.
Holding your hand in the dark
Through the pathways of Central Park.

SS (SOUTHERN): Maybe "along" the pathways would be better.

GK (SINGS): Along the pathways of Central Park.
I want to give you my hand, dear love,
As we ride along in this carriage.
I can feel your heart as it beats time with mine
A feeling that none could disparage.
I've loved you so long and I've wanted you near,
Forever to love and to cherish
So let us go find us a minister, dear.
And let's make a beautiful marriage.

(HORSES WALKING)

SS (SOUTHERN): That was nice. "Cherish" doesn't really rhyme with "marriage" but ----- that's okay.

GK: I could rhyme it with the hotel in London. Claridges except that's plural.

SS (SOUTHERN): It's not plural, it's possessive ----

GK: Right.

FN (SOUTHERN): Melissa is a poet herself.

SS (SOUTHERN): Melissa is a poet, as well.

FN (SOUTHERN): Yes dear.

(HORSES STOP, WHINNY)

GK: Giddup. C'mon. (HE CLICKS) Oh oh. Horses don't want to take the long way.

TR: I'll get out and turn their heads. (SFX)

GK: The horses are used to turning here ----- (GIDDYUPS. CLICKS.) (WHINNY)

TR: C'mon, boys. Let's go.

FN (HORSE): No way!

TR: Turn your head. Come on. (EFFORT)

FN (HORSE): Talk to the hoof.

FN (SOUTHERN): It's all right. We'll just go around again. Just lie your head on my shoulder, love.

SS (SOUTHERN): You mean, lay my head on your shoulder.

FN (SOUTHERN): That too. A short ride with you is as good or better than a long ride. I say.

SS (SOUTHERN): As good as or better than. Or "at least as good as"----

FN (SOUTHERN): Glad you feel that way. My wish is only to make you happy.

SS (SOUTHERN): My only wish is to make you happy.

FN (SOUTHERN): Then that makes two of us. Hey, would you mind taking a picture of us on my smartphone?

TR: You talking to me?

FN (SOUTHERN): Just aim it and shoot.

TR: Okay. (SMARTPHONE PIC)

FN (SOUTHERN): Take a bunch. Facebook it! (TYPING) OMG--- I M N-GAGED!!!! Heart heart heart!

SS (SOUTHERN): What did you say?

FN (SOUTHERN): I M N-GAGED.

SS (SOUTHERN): Before that.

FN (SOUTHERN): Facebook it.

SS (SOUTHERN): Facebook it?

GK: He means put it on your Facebook page.

SS (SOUTHERN): When did Facebook become a verb?

FN (SOUTHERN): Everybody says that.

SS (SOUTHERN): We are not everybody, Gerald. I am not everybody. Gerald, this is simply not going to work. I'm sorry but I can't marry you.

FN: Melissa, honey. Can I ask what I did wrong?

SS: May I ask what I did wrong.

FN: You did something wrong, too?

SS: Goodbye, Gerald.

FN: But, Melissa---

SS: Sentence fragment. Drop me off here, driver.

GK: Whoaaaaaaaa. (HORSES WHINNY, STOP)

SS (SOUTHERN): Bye.

GK: CLICKS TO HORSES, WHINNY, HORSE WALK.

FN (SOUTHERN): What did I do? (SIGH)

TR: You just saved yourself a whole lot of suffering, that's what. That'd be like being married to a GPS box.

FN (SOUTHERN): But I was in love with her.

TR: Exactly. You WERE in love with her.

FN (SOUTHERN): I was.

TR: Okay, you WAS in love with her. But you am not now.

FN (SOUTHERN): I isn't?

GK: You ain't. Don't know who are.

ER (OFF): Hey! Gerald! Gerald! It's me. (FOOTSTEPS)

GK: There's a giant chicken talking to you, Gerald.

FN (SOUTHERN): I see that.

GK: Somebody you know?

FN (SOUTHERN): I'm not sure.

ER: It's me. Angelina!

FN (SOUTHERN): Angelina!

ER: What are you doing in New York?

GK: Friend of yours?

FN (SOUTHERN): My ex-girlfriend.

GK: You like her?

FN (SOUTHERN): I do. She broke up with me cause she wanted to live in New York.

GK: Whoaaaaaaaa. (HORSES WHINNY, STOP.) (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

ER: Hey. What a small world. Mind if I join you?

FN (SOUTHERN): I'd be honored.

ER: I just got off work at the restaurant. I hand out flyers for Broadway Broilers now--so I can have a flexible schedule, you know, for auditions and stuff. Keeps me in shape, too.

FN (SOUTHERN): Oh. Congratulations?

ER: Hey, I heard you were engaged to Melissa.

FN (SOUTHERN): Naw, that's all over. I heard you were living with some comedian.

ER: As roommates, yeah. Four of them. It was disgusting. --- What you doing here alone?

FN (SOUTHERN): Just out for a ride. ---- HEY. A SENTENCE FRAGMENT. FELT GOOD.

ER: Me too.

FN (SOUTHERN): Oh yeah?

ER: Sentence fragments. Cool. Totally.

FN (SOUTHERN): I missed you, Angelina.

ER: Missed you too.

FN (SOUTHERN): Sir?

GK: Yes?

FN (SOUTHERN): How much to rent the carriage and horses for a couple hours?

GK: You want to take her for a ride?

FN (SOUTHERN): How much?

GK: Be my guest.

TR: Hey----

GK: Hush, Dusty. (GK GETS OFF CARRIAGE) If you want to stop and park for awhile, there's a bag of oats in the back.

TR: Good luck, kid.

FN (SOUTHERN): Giddup. (SNAP REINS, HORSES WHINNY, TROT OFF)

GK: It's April, Dusty.

TR: What if he runs off with the wagon?

GK: The horses are going to come right back here, and you know it.

SS (OFF): Hello? Hello, are you available?

TR: We're always available, ma'am. We're cowboys. What you got in mind?

SS: What do I have in mind??

TR: Never mind.

(THEME)

SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Aloe Healing Saddles. Now with memory foam, for extra cushioning.

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Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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