Guy Noir, April 9, 2011
Town Hall in New York, NY
«archive page

Guy Noir

Listen (RealAudio)
Listen (MP3)

TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME)

GK: It was April, and spring had arrived. And also my accountant, Larry.

TR: No 1099s, no W2s, no receipts, no invoices. What do you expect me to do, Mr. Noir?

GK: Just work your special magic, sir. Use your powers of deduction.

TR: And all these trips you're taking out to New York----- is this all business?

GK: All business, Larry.

TR: A hundred dollars for lunch?

GK: I was surveilling a bank executive.

TR: A hundred dollars????

GK: I'm a good tipper.

TR: Well, here's a tip from me. Income has to exceed expenses.

(PHONE RING)

GK: Excuse me. (PICK UP) Yeah, Noir here.

SS: Mr. Noir, my name is Lainie. Calling from Thief River Falls. It's about my dad's old barn. We sold it at auction and somebody from New York bought it and they used the wood for the interior of a fancy steakhouse called Dakota, on West 45th Street.

GK: I see. So what's the problem?

SS: This is very old wood. It's infested with bedbugs. And wasp nests.

GK: You tried calling the restaurant to report this?

SS: They put me on hold for an hour.

GK: Call them back.

SS: It's spring. The weather's getting warm. Those bedbug larva are going to hatch. I don't want the restaurant to sue me.

GK: I guess I'm going to have to fly to New York then.

TR: Oh boy.

SS: Hurry, Mr. Noir.

TR: And save your receipts! (BRIDGE, FLIGHT)

GK: So I flew to New York. It was windy so the landing at LaGuardia was like a roller coaster ride (SFX LANDING, SCREECH OF TIRES, CRIES OF PASSENGERS, REVERSE ENGINES), which was almost as exciting as the cab ride. ---- (TR ARABIC: Where to, Mister?) Midtown. West 45th Street. (TR: West 45th Street. GUN ENGINE, SCREECH OF TIRES, TR ARABIC CURSE)

(BRIDGE)

GK: The owner of the Dakota was a man named Bud Calvin and when I arrived at the restaurant---- (CROWD)

SS (NYER): Thank you for waiting. What name is the reservation under?

GK: The name is Noir and I need to see Mr. Calvin----

SS (NYER): I'm sorry, I do not have a reservation under the name Noir.

GK: That's because I'm not here to eat.

SS (NYER): You can make a reservation online.

GK: I don't want a reservation. I need to talk to Mr. Calvin.

SS (NYER): Mr. Calvin is busy.

GK: He's not too busy to hear what I have to tell him.

SS (NYER): I'm sorry. Would you mind waiting over here, out of the way?

GK: Your restaurant is infested with wasps.

SS (NYER): We are not. This is a very diverse clientele.

GK: How about bedbugs?

SS (NYER): Do we have ketchup? Bernie? Bernie!!!! (TR GOON APPROACHES) Bernie, could you escort this gentleman out of here?

TR (GOON): This way, pal. (HE PICKS NOIR UP AND THROWS HIM) (THUD) And don't come back! Or else. (DOOR SLAM, BRIDGE)

GK: I got back in to the restaurant through the back door. (SFX) I was hired as a dishwasher. I put on a white uniform and stood by the machine (JIGGLE OF DISHES, STEAM, HOT WATER SPRAY) and waited for my chance and eventually it came.

TR (NYER): Hey you, take some clean cups up to the conference room. Fourth floor. Use the service elevator. (BRIDGE)

GK: In the conference room, Mr. Calvin was talking to a group of investors who were backing his latest production, "Waiting for Godot" on ice---- called "Skating for Godot" -

SS (DEEP HUSKY): I don't know, Buddy. New York has never been big on ice shows.

TR (NYER): What does the Samuel Beckett estate say about it?

FN: Nothing. Want to break it to them easy. Listen---- it's going to be the most spectacular production of Godot ever! Showgirls on skates! Lots of feathers! Lights! A dance line!

(BOUNCY MUSIC)

FN (SINGS): Godot he's coming

TR (SINGS): Godot he's great

FN (SINGS): So we don't mind that we have to wait.
Godot knows that he is expected.

TR (SINGS): He's a happy fellow like Samuel Beckett.

FN (SINGS): We're Vladimir and Estragon

TR (SINGS): Estragon and Vladimir.

FN & TR: The melody goes on and on
And Godot will soon be here.

FN: That's the opening number, folks, and then Lucky sings ---- (HE SINGS) If you know Godot like I know Godot ---- Oh Oh Oh what a guy. -----And then Godot arrives.

HM (SINGS): Hi. I'm here. Godot's the name.
I like to play a waiting game.
Thanks for waiting here for me.
G-o-d-o-t.
Sorry I was so slow.
But I'm Godot.

FN (SINGS): My name is Estragon, I'm an old bum.
And I was waiting for you to come.
And the moment you walked through the door
I forgot what I was waiting for.

TR (SINGS): Hey don't worry. It's okay.
We New Yorkers are used to delay.
Traffic is slow, the train is delayed.
We sit and wait, we're undismayed.

HM (SINGS): Okay. I've got to go.
I'm glad you care about Godot.
It makes me feel good that you waited.
Your patience is appreciated.
I hope you'll tell me what we can do
To make waiting enjoyable for you.
When will I return? I don't know.
See you soon. Godot.

(BRIDGE)

GK: The investors were a little dubious.

SS (DEEP HUSKY): I don't think this is gonna fly, Buddy.

TR (NYER): You got a nice opening number and that's about it.

SS (DEEP HUSKY): See you around. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE)

(FN DEEP SIGH)

FN (UNDER): I am a professional artist with a worthy vision. I am a professional artist with a worthy vision.

GK: Mr. Calvin?

FN: Who're you?

GK: I've got bad news for you, Mr. Calvin.

FN: I don't want to hear it.

GK: You want me to write it down on a slip of paper?

FN: Yeah. I'll look at it later.

GK: Okay. (WRITES WITH PENCIL) There. I'll fold it up and put it in your pocket. There.

FN: Thanks. I worked three years on "Skating for Godot". Three years.

GK: Well, anyway the restaurant is a big hit. Booked up for months in advance.

FN: I hate the restaurant. Loud---- overpriced ----- vegetables are overcooked ---- bad food.

GK: Nice décor though. Old wood. Very homey. Americana. Midwestern values.

(FOOTSTEPS)

SS (NYER): Mr. Calvin, the chef needs a word with you. (TR ANGRY FRENCH) Andre is quitting, Mr. Calvin.

TR (FRENCH): This place disgusts me ---- look at this. (BUG SFX)

FN: BEDBUGS????

GK: Bedbugs.

(SLAP, GK REACTION)

FN: Do not say that word around me.

GK: What word should I use?

FN: Never say that word.

GK: Bedbugs?

(SLAP, GK REACTION)

FN: I am not listening. So don't say any more.. (BRIDGE) Mr. Calvin walked away, through the kitchen (SFX SWINGING DOORS), where chefs were sizzling up big sides of beef (SFX) and using a blow torch on the creme brulee (SFX) and he went through a door into the dining room (CROWD MURMURS) just at the moment when a tall young woman looked down at her plate in horror and-----

ER: (SCREAMS)

SS (NYER): What is it, darling?

ER: Bedbugs. (CROWD CLAMOR, AN ARMY OF FOOTSTEPS TO THE DOOR, FIRE ALARM) (BRIDGE)

GK: The creme brulee guy had dropped his blow torch, and now the whole place was on fire, and old wood burns fast. (FIRE CRACKLES). And we ran down the fire escape (SFX) and out onto the street (FIRE TRUCKS, FIREFIGHTERS, SIRENS)------The Dakota blew up ( BIG EXPLOSION), and burned to the ground. And insect larva flew into the air, clouds of it all over Manhattan. And New Yorkers started looking at each other more closely.

FN (RICH): Buffy! Tipper! Barbara! Biff! (AIR KISSES) So good of you to come to the opening. Oh my gosh. What is that on your shoulder, darling?

SS: It's lint.

FN (RICH): It's moving. (SPRAY)

SS: What are you doing?

FN (RICH): Spraying you with insecticide.

SS: Please! No----People are looking.

TR (DEEP): Bedbugs.

(POWERFUL AEROSOL)

GK: All over Gotham. Especially in theaters where people had to rest their heads on seat backs where other heads had rested ---- New Yorkers looked at each other with a wary eye.

ER: Pardon me, Mayor, but (SPRAY)----

TR (BLOOMBERG): What is it? You can't spray me like that! Would you please stop immediately? Ma'am----

ER: You've got bugs on you, Mayor.

TR (BLOOMBERG): I don't know what you're talking about.

ER: I'm talking about ----- Bedbugs. (SHUDDER) (DARK CHORD)

GK: I got back to Minnesota and I sent Lainie a bill for $750, my fee and expenses.

TR (LARRY): Two days in New York?? Seven fifty??

GK: My standard fee, Larry. And I stayed at the Self-Storage Hotel on 11th Avenue.

SS: Hi, Mr. Noir. It's Lainie. Listen, I'm trying to get permission from my dad to pay your bill but he's a little confused right now.

GK: Well, pay it when you can.

SS: Thank you.

TR (LARRY): Noir----- get the money. Hear me?

GK: Two days in New York are its own reward, Larry.

SS: I read in the paper that Mr. Calvin is opening a new musical called "Bedbugs On Ice".

GK: Really?

SS: I wonder if he'd cut us in for a percentage since they were our bedbugs.

GK: I could fly out to New York and find out.

TR (LARRY): (GRIT TEETH, SLOW BURN)

(THEME)

TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

American Public Media © |   Terms and Conditions   |   Privacy Policy