Rhubarb, May 7, 2011
The Fox Theater, Detroit, MI
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Rhubarb

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GK: You're doing well in Detroit, you've risen from a guy with an air wrench on the assembly line (SFX) to a vice-president for modulated communication.

FN: So ---- interconnectivity. Triangularity. A new platform of core competencies. That's the bottom line. The synaptic interface that acculturates empathy into the reductive process. Okay? Any questions?

GK: You have no idea what you're doing but you seem to be good at it, you're earning two-hundred grand a year, and you build a house with a big backyard and life is good until your neighbor buys a big dog (WOOF) and puts it in a dog run next to your garage and one morning when you head for work (SNARLING) , there he is, fangs bared, saliva dripping ----- and you are immobilized with fear (FN: Mom?? Help me.)----- your childhood fear of dogs makes it impossible for you to leave the house ---- you call your secretary----- (FN: I'll be working from home today, Marlene.) And you telecommute for a few weeks and you live on pizza (DOORBELL), and whenever you open your back door (BARKS), the monster dashes across the yard and hurls himself against the fence (SFX, SNARLING) ---- and you're about to sell your house, when your boss calls -----

TR: Harvey, you've been out of the office for six weeks.

FN: I know, I've been working from home.

TR: But nobody here realized you were gone.

FN: Oh?

TR: In fact, things seemed to run more smoothly with you gone. Interesting.

FN: Yes. Odd.

TR: Don't bother coming back, Harvey.

FN: Okay. (SAD CHORDS)

GK: But you don't feel that you've lost a job.

FN: No?

GK: No, you feel that you've gotten your life back.

FN: I do?

GK: You feel energized. You feel capable.

FN: Really?

GK: You feel that now you can write that screenplay you've been talking about writing all these years.

FN: I can????

GK: You can and you do. In three days. (A BLIZZARD OF TAPPING AND TYPING, FN MURMURING: Janet--- I don't know, Bob. Bob---- I love you and that's all that's important. Janet---- Oh Bob. Bob----- Oh Janet.) And you send it off to Cosmic Pictures by email. And the very next day-----

SS (FLEXNER): We love your screenplay, Harvey. (May I call you Harvey?)

FN: Yes. Please.

SS (FLEX): Martin wants to do it a.s.a.p.

FN: Martin Scorsese??

SS: He's always wanted to make a movie about an auto plant. Yours has everything. Love, loss, violence, passion, Detroit-----.

GK: So "Assembly Line" is filmed starring Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep.

TR (JACK): I love you, Anna. I watch you at the factory and the way you tighten the screws on the manifold thrill me in ways I've never been thrilled before. I'm crazy about you. I never said that to a woman before. And I may not say it to you again. So remember it.

SS (RUSSIAN): I love you, Big Jim. You are my dreamboat. You are my American autoworker. You make me forget the past and want to live for now. Now! To embrace life! To be real American. And to get a visa.

GK: You get a check for millions of dollars and you can afford to have a helicopter airlift you out of your house (CHOPPER, DOG BARKING FURIOUSLY) and you attend the premiere in Detroit (PRESS PHOTOGS: "This way! Over here! One more!) The movie goes gangbusters at the box office.

TR (HIGH, FAST): Hollywood is going ga-ga for "The Assembly Line"— critics love it, box office is ka-ching ka-ching. And wish again, this year its Michigan, Mr. Oscar.

GK: You buy a house in Grosse Point with a swimming pool, and you invest in wine (CORKSCREW, POP), and you take elocution lessons to get rid of your honk.

FN: I absolutely adore this Pouilly-Fuisse.

TR: Again.

FN (RICHER): I absolutely adore this Pouilly-Fuisse.

TR: More in the nose.

FN (RICH): I absolutely adore this Pouilly-Fuisse.

TR: Less in the nose.

FN (VERY RICH): I absolutely adore this Pouilly-Fuisse.

TR: Good.

GK: So you're invited to the regatta on Lake St. Clair (GULLS) and you meet the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. (SEXY SAX) the heiress Cynthia Chrysler.

SS SEXY: Welcome aboard, hot stuff.

FN: I adore your boat, Mrs. Chrysler. Such an elegant line. And the sails are so---- triangular.

SS (RICH): Let's get underway, darling.

FN: So you sail this all by yourself? (SAILS BILLOWING, RATCHET AS LINE IS PLAYED OUT)

SS (RICH): I've been sailing since I was a small child, darling. (MORE RATCHET) We all sailed. All of us Chryslers.

FN: Wow, what are you doing?

SS (RICH): (SAIL BILLOWING) This is the backstay, these are the runners, and I'm hauling the sail up with a halyard and now I'm locking it to this cleat (RATCHET) ----Would you care for a glass of wine?

FN: A Pouilly-fuisse! Bon temps!

SS (RICH): Oh, I left it down below in the winecellar. I'll go find it.

FN: I can go!

SS (RICH): No, darling, you take the tiller.

FN: Take the what?

SS (RICH): Take the tiller.

FN: No----Don't leave me. (SAIL BILLOWS) Oh my. Oh goodness me. Let me go below and get the wine. (FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS)

SS (RICH): It's in the wine cellar which is underneath the galley! (FOOTSTEPS)

FN: Galley. What is a galley? (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN) What's this? A kitchen. (DOOR CLOSE) (DOG SNARL) Oh dear. Oh my gosh.

SS (RICH, OFF): That's my Rottweiler, Bob. He's harmless. (DOG SNARL)

FN: Hear that? You're harmless, Bob. ----- What's this? A handle on the floor. (LIFTS HATCH) Ah, a whole room down here. (FEET ON STAIRS) Looks like a motor and stuff. And here's another handle. (RATCHET) (WATER BUBBLES UP) Oh dear. Water coming in. A lot of water. (WATER SHOOTING UP) (BRIDGE)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie and Rhubarb Pie Filling.

RHUBARB SONG
But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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