Wildlife, May 14, 2011
State Theatre, Minneapolis, MN
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TR (ANNC): And now, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products brings you— Dr. Rob Larson, Ichthyurologist.


SS: The current sure is strong on the Mississippi today. Hope this anchor holds.

GK: I hope so too, Maureen. This is an awfully delicate operation, performing vasectomies on these big river carp----- look out ---- there's one----- Grab him, Maureen. (SFX CARP LEAP OUT OF WATER, WOBBLING)


GK: Good, you got him. (FISH FLOPS)

SS: How do you know it's a "him", doctor?

GK: Male carp smell different and the scales are rougher. Scalpel please. (SFX)

SS: Here you go doctor.

GK: Hold him down.

SS: I've got him, doctor. (FISH WIGGLE)

GK: Now I'll just feel along the ventral aspect here for the vas deferens….(SFX) Good. Good. Local anesthetic. Thank you. (SPRAY) Now I'll make the cut---(TWO CUTS, FISH FLOPS) hold him still, Maureen.

SS: Ugh. These carp are so ugly.

GK: They're coming up from the south and pushing out native species. And we're going to stop them, one vasectomy at a time.

SS: But why don't we just catch them in nets?

GK: Well-meaning liberals have written Cruelty to Carp provision into state law, so vasectomies is the only way we can control the carp population. Scissors.

SS: Here. (SFX SCISSOR PASS, CAREFUL SNIPS) You sure look like you've done fish vasectomies before, Doctor?

GK: I wrote the textbook in ichthyurology, Maureen. I was the first one in the country, specializing in fish reproduction and abnormalities of the cloaca. Light please.

SS: The cloaca, Doctor? (FLASHLIGHT SFX)

GK: It's the opening fish have for excretions and for sexual purposes. (CAREFUL SNIPS) Two in one. Like a combination shampoo and conditioner. Okay. Tying the ends of the tube, now. One on each end (TYING FOUR KNOTS). Good. Needle and thread, please.



GK: There. Ready to go back in. (HEAVE, SPLASH) Who's next?

SS: Do you mind if I ask you a dumb question, Doctor?

GK: Of course not. (FISH LEAP, SPLASH)

SS: Will these fish, after their vasectomy, still enjoy a normal ---- you know---- sex life?

GK: Fish don't have sex for enjoyment, Maureen. They have it under compulsion. And with their tubes tied, I'm not sure they'd care. Why do you?

SS: Why do I care?

GK: Yes.

SS: Don't you?

GK: Care about the happiness of carp? No, not really.

SS: But think of all those carp swimming around down there, not really caring about anything. Just doing things out of compulsion. Though I have my own compulsions, that's for sure. Want to hear about them?

GK: I've got a carp on my radar tracker right here. (PING, WARBLE)

SS: I mean, if you don't have love, then what is life for? What's the point? Life is meaningless. Empty.

GK: Got one! (FISH THRASHES). Hold him, Maureen, I'll get the scalpel.

SS: Would you mind if I sing?

GK: You want to sing? Maureen-----

SS: Please.

GK: Maureen, we're scientists. We're doing our work. We need to keep our minds focused on the fish.

If I were a great big carp
Young and strong and my mind was sharp
Making love would be my wish
If I were a fish.
I would lie beneath the falls
Practicing my mating calls
In a pool we'd have sex
Then I'd lay a million eggs.
I just make this simple plea:
Don't get a vasectomy
Unless you get it from me.

GK: Are you done singing now?

SS: Yes, doctor.

GK: Okay, hold him.

SS: I'm holding him.

GK: ....as I feel along the ventral aspect for the vas deferens....(SFX) Local anesthetic. Thank you. (SPRAY)

SS: Doctor, would you mind if I did this one?

GK: You want to perform a vasectomy on this fish?

SS: Yes.

GK: Oh my gosh.

SS: What's the big deal? It's very simple. Here's the tube. I make the cut. (BIG CUT) Scissors. Thank you. And tie the tube. (TYING) Done. In you go. (SPLASH) Doctor? Doctor Larson? You've fainted. What happened? You never saw a woman castrate a fish before? Huh? Doctor? (SLAPPING) Doctor?


TR (ANNC): Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products brings you—Dr. Rob Larson, Ichthyurologist.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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