Wildlife, May 14, 2011
State Theatre, Minneapolis, MN
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Wildlife

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(ORGAN)

TR (ANNC): And now, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products brings you— Dr. Rob Larson, Ichthyurologist.

(OUTDOOR SFX, WATER)

SS: The current sure is strong on the Mississippi today. Hope this anchor holds.

GK: I hope so too, Maureen. This is an awfully delicate operation, performing vasectomies on these big river carp----- look out ---- there's one----- Grab him, Maureen. (SFX CARP LEAP OUT OF WATER, WOBBLING)

SS: Yeah!!!! (SS FISH GRAB, FLOPPING)

GK: Good, you got him. (FISH FLOPS)

SS: How do you know it's a "him", doctor?

GK: Male carp smell different and the scales are rougher. Scalpel please. (SFX)

SS: Here you go doctor.

GK: Hold him down.

SS: I've got him, doctor. (FISH WIGGLE)

GK: Now I'll just feel along the ventral aspect here for the vas deferens….(SFX) Good. Good. Local anesthetic. Thank you. (SPRAY) Now I'll make the cut---(TWO CUTS, FISH FLOPS) hold him still, Maureen.

SS: Ugh. These carp are so ugly.

GK: They're coming up from the south and pushing out native species. And we're going to stop them, one vasectomy at a time.

SS: But why don't we just catch them in nets?

GK: Well-meaning liberals have written Cruelty to Carp provision into state law, so vasectomies is the only way we can control the carp population. Scissors.

SS: Here. (SFX SCISSOR PASS, CAREFUL SNIPS) You sure look like you've done fish vasectomies before, Doctor?

GK: I wrote the textbook in ichthyurology, Maureen. I was the first one in the country, specializing in fish reproduction and abnormalities of the cloaca. Light please.

SS: The cloaca, Doctor? (FLASHLIGHT SFX)

GK: It's the opening fish have for excretions and for sexual purposes. (CAREFUL SNIPS) Two in one. Like a combination shampoo and conditioner. Okay. Tying the ends of the tube, now. One on each end (TYING FOUR KNOTS). Good. Needle and thread, please.

SS: Here you go doctor. (INSTRUMENTS SWAP, HAND SEWING, FISH FLAPS)

(TYING KNOTS)

GK: There. Ready to go back in. (HEAVE, SPLASH) Who's next?

SS: Do you mind if I ask you a dumb question, Doctor?

GK: Of course not. (FISH LEAP, SPLASH)

SS: Will these fish, after their vasectomy, still enjoy a normal ---- you know---- sex life?

GK: Fish don't have sex for enjoyment, Maureen. They have it under compulsion. And with their tubes tied, I'm not sure they'd care. Why do you?

SS: Why do I care?

GK: Yes.

SS: Don't you?

GK: Care about the happiness of carp? No, not really.

SS: But think of all those carp swimming around down there, not really caring about anything. Just doing things out of compulsion. Though I have my own compulsions, that's for sure. Want to hear about them?

GK: I've got a carp on my radar tracker right here. (PING, WARBLE)

SS: I mean, if you don't have love, then what is life for? What's the point? Life is meaningless. Empty.

GK: Got one! (FISH THRASHES). Hold him, Maureen, I'll get the scalpel.

SS: Would you mind if I sing?

GK: You want to sing? Maureen-----

SS: Please.

GK: Maureen, we're scientists. We're doing our work. We need to keep our minds focused on the fish.

SS (SINGS):
If I were a great big carp
Young and strong and my mind was sharp
Making love would be my wish
If I were a fish.
I would lie beneath the falls
Practicing my mating calls
In a pool we'd have sex
Then I'd lay a million eggs.
I just make this simple plea:
Don't get a vasectomy
Unless you get it from me.

GK: Are you done singing now?

SS: Yes, doctor.

GK: Okay, hold him.

SS: I'm holding him.

GK: ....as I feel along the ventral aspect for the vas deferens....(SFX) Local anesthetic. Thank you. (SPRAY)

SS: Doctor, would you mind if I did this one?

GK: You want to perform a vasectomy on this fish?

SS: Yes.

GK: Oh my gosh.

SS: What's the big deal? It's very simple. Here's the tube. I make the cut. (BIG CUT) Scissors. Thank you. And tie the tube. (TYING) Done. In you go. (SPLASH) Doctor? Doctor Larson? You've fainted. What happened? You never saw a woman castrate a fish before? Huh? Doctor? (SLAPPING) Doctor?

(THEME)

TR (ANNC): Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products brings you—Dr. Rob Larson, Ichthyurologist.

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