Yard, June 4, 2011

Amphitheater at Fort Tuthill County Park

Flagstaff, AZ


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Yard

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GK: The best reason to move to Arizona isn't winter, winter isn't a problem, the reason to come is to avoid yardwork. You don't need a yard in Arizona. And you don't need all the stuff that goes with it: no sprinkler (SFX), no mower (SFX), no leaf blower (SFX), no hedge trimmer (SFX), no herbicide to kill off the dandelions (SFX), and the herbicide kills the maple tree so you have to cut that down with a chainsaw (SFX) and feed it bit by bit into the wood chipper (SFX)... and that excites the wasps who were nesting in it (WASPS) and they come after you and you have to bring in an exterminator with a fogger (SFX) to clear out the wasps and that irritates the WASPs who live around you (FN: What are you doing? Good gosh, man, you're killing off our hydrangeas) and they give you the cold shoulder on the tennis court (TENNIS VOLLEY) and throw you out of the country club (FN: Good riddance to bad rubbish! DOOR SLAM) and there are lawsuits (GAVEL: FN: ALL RISE) and all of that is a thing of the past when you move to Arizona. (BIG RELIEF). In Arizona sand and rocks is good enough (SFX), and you just sit and watch and the wind gently blows and the sun rises and the sun sets and your neighbors come and go and there is nothing to do but just observe nature. (SFX). Diamondbacks. (SFX) Beautiful things. Pumas up on the roof (SFX). Scorpions maybe. And on a cold night you maybe want to poke at your bed with a bat (SFX) make sure there aren't any snakes who crawled in there.

(FN: Git, snake. Git. Move on now. SNAKE RATTLE. C'mon, out you go.) But you don't have to mow your lawn. Arizona: get rid of your lawn and get your life back.

A message from the Arizona Department of Population Influx.

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