English Majors, June 25, 2011

Ravinia Festival

Highland Park, IL


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English Majors

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(ORGAN)

GK: You graduate in June and you go to a job interview and the guy in the blue suit says.....

TR: So ---- Emily----- why do you want this job?

LN: Truthfully?

TR: Sure.

LN: Because I'm desperate and I have a severe undiagnosed mood disorder that's triggered by bright lights, so I wanna get health insurance so I can get some legal barbiturates and also save up to buy an assault rifle.

TR: Thanks for coming in.

(BRIDGE)

GK: Employers aren't interested in the truth. They don't care about your personal journey.

LN: No?

GK: No. They just want you to hit key words. For example, you're not there because you're desperate.

LN: Yes I am.

GK: No you're not. You're there because you're a detail-oriented self-starter and a team player who can leverage your core competencies across diverse platforms.

LN: Gosh.

GK: You're a game-changer who provides positive momentum for a customer-centric wow factor.

LN: Wow. I never knew.

GK: But now you do. And you're ready for that interview.

LN: I am?

GK: You are.

LN: Okay.

GK: Good luck.

FN: So---- Emily----- What's your greatest strength?

LN: My market-focused synergistic interactivity.

FN: Good. And what's your greatest weakness?

LN: Sometimes I'm too proactive and I work round the clock for weeks on end, until I fall down from sheer exhaustion. And I love it.

FN: So where do you see yourself in five years?

LN: As a detail-oriented self-starter providing integrative solutions in real-time modules. I'd like to move the needle on the consumer experience, creating an above-the-fold paradigm shift, and catalyzing the burn rate of creative cross-pollination.

FN: You're hired. As an intern. A $1.50 an hour to start and your own cubicle.

(VICTORY CHORD)

GK: English. It's how you get ahead. If you're an MBA and you can't seem to land a job, for your next interview don't say MBA... say B.A. in English.

A message from the Professional Organization of English Majors.

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