Fritz, June 25, 2011

Ravinia Festival

Highland Park, IL


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Fritz

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GK: It's summer, and you send your child to Camp Birchmere. (DARK CHORDS)

SS (KID, SOBS): No daddy! No! I don't want to go! Don't make me go!!!!

GK: It's camp, darling. You've been looking forward to this.

SS (KID): I want to go home.

GK: They have horseback riding, swimming, sailing. You get to make lanyards. Lanyards, honey.

SS (KID): I want to go home.

GK: It would mean so much to me to have my very own lanyard. And people would ask me, Where'd you get that lanyard, Bud? And I'd say, Chelsea made that for me. Made it for her dad.

SS (KID): I don't know how to make lanyards.

GK: You'll learn. There is no such thing as a bad lanyard, Chelsea.

SS (KID, SNIFFLING): They only make coin purses at Camp Birchmere.

GK: I would love a new coin purse.

SS (KID, SNIFFLING): I don't want to go.

GK: Chelsea---

SS (KID, SNIFFLING): What?

GK: If you don't go in the camp right now, Daddy is going to stand up and sing "All You Need Is Love" as loud as I can in front of all the other campers.

SS (KID): No, Daddy. Don't.

GK: Daddy is going to sing "Hey Jude" and "All You Need Is Love" as loud as I can.

SS (KID): Please don't sing, Daddy.

GK: Daddy is going to sing in 30 seconds.

SS (KID): I'm going into camp.

GK: Thank you, Chelsea. Have a nice day. (BRIDGE) It's traumatic, turning your beloved child over to strangers and you wonder, what happens at camp? Especially when Chelsea comes home all happy a few hours later.

(SS SINGS, SKIPS)

SS: Hi daddy!

GK: What happened? Now you can find out with this minicam lunchbox from Fritz Electronics. It streams live video from your child's camp experience straight to your home computer.

LN (EVIL): Hi. I'm Betsy. I'm your counselor. Repeat after me, kids. The means of production must be in the hands of the workers.

TR & SS & FN REPEAT AS KIDS:

LN (EVIL): Your ruling class parents must be overthrown and their property returned to the proletariat from whom it was stolen.

TR & SS & FN AS KIDS: Yes!

LN (EVIL): Down with the oppressors. Up with people.

TR & SS & FN REPEAT AS KIDS:

LN (EVIL): Have you kids ever seen the inside of a slaughterhouse?

TR (CHILD): What's a slaughterhouse?

LN (EVIL): It's where animals are murdered and ground up to make your hamburger and hot dog.

SS (CHILD): Oh no.

LN (EVIL): Today we're going to visit that place. And then we're going to go down in a coal mine. (STING)

GK: Maybe you need to know more about where your child goes during the day. That babysitter who came so highly recommended-----

SS (SINGING, HAPPILY): Hello----- how are you kids tonight? Ready to have a good time?

GK: You go out the door to the concert and (DOOR SLAM)----

SS (EVIL): Fix me some supper. And make me a martini. And this time, make it DRY!!! Hear me!!!! You put too much vermouth in last time.

(MOTORCYCLE ARRIVES, OFF)

TR (KID): But I don't think we're supposed to------

SS (EVIL): Okay. My boyfriend just got here. You kids go upstairs and don't come down.

GK: Don't you want to know about the world your children live in ... your poor innocent helpless children? What about that Unitarian Sunday School you send them to? Are you sure you know what's going on? The minicam in the lunchbox will tell you-----

TR (EVANGELIST): And here in the Book of Revelations, we see that the last days are upon us. This world is about to end and when the Rapture occurs, and it could be any day. Then the Tribulation begins, with giant leeches that suck out your eyeballs (SFX, KIDS REACT)

GK: What about Uncle Bernie? The kids love him. How much do you know about what he teaches them?

FN (OLDER): Your parents voted for the socialist takeover of America by a man who wasn't even born in this country. And that's why you kids have the right to take whatever you want out of their billfolds, because that's what they're doing to our country. (KIDS CHEER) Bleeding us dry with entitlements. Get that money, kids, we're going to Dairy Queen! (KIDS CHEER)

GK: And Pat Donohue's Folk Music Camp for kids. You sent them there so they'd learn work songs and blues and Appalachian ballads and sea chanteys and.....

(GUITAR INTRO)

PD: (VIOLENT FEMMES: "Blister in the Sun") When I'm a walkin' I strut my stuff, man I'm so strung out. I'm high as a kite, I just as might, stop to check you out.

GK: The minicam in the lunchbox from Fritz Electronics. Maybe it's time you learned what your kids are up to. Everything you need is on the Fritz.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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