Rhubarb, July 2, 2011

Koussevitzky Music Shed, Tanglewood Music Festival

Lenox, MA


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Rhubarb

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GK: Fourth of July weekend and the kids are home for the summer (GLASS BREAKAGE. TR KID: Sorry!), and you have to entertain them. There is television of course (TV AUDIO, GUNFIRE, SHOUTING) and after you turn off the TV, they stick little buds in their ears (TINNY HIPHOP AUDIO) and to save them from hearing loss you pull out the buds (TWO POPS) and you sit them down at a piano (HALTING BACH PIANO) which they hate, and they beg to go to the waterpark (SS KID: Please please please please. Please, Daddy.) but you did that yesterday and it was terrifying. (SS KID: Let's do the water slide, Daddy.) (WATER SLUICING) and because you were unwilling to exhibit terror in front of your children, you climbed to the top of the 14-story water slide (SFX) and (SS KID: Wheeeeee FADE) your child went down and you stood there, trembling (FN: YOU GOING DOWN, MISTER) and finally you sat down and pushed off (TR CRIES OF TERROR, IN WHOOSHING WATER) and you went 115 miles per hour straight down and into a deep pool (WHOOSH, BUBBLES UNDERWATER) and you got water up your nose (SFX) and swimshorts up your crack (AGHHHH) and you came up coughing (COUGHS) these horrible coughs, so you need an alternative today.

TR: How about the zoo!!!!

GK: The zoo! Of course. (ELEPHANT). It's entertaining, it's educational. So you go and you buy a big bag of popcorn (SFX), and walk around past the aviary (SFX) and the flamingoes (SFX) and the gator pit (SFX) and the pool where Sparky the seal is doing tricks with a big red rubber ball (SFX) and the Monkey Island (SFX) and the pen where the buffalo roam (SFX) and then you go over to the Lion's Den where there's a sign that says "Please do not feed the animals"—which you are about to point out to your daughter but there's a monkey behind you (SFX), and when you turn back around (SS EFFORT), your daughter has thrown a handful of popcorn to the lion (LION ROAR), it lands in the moat, and you see this, and—

TR: You see the sign? It says, don't feed the animals?

SS (KID): Okay. Sorry, daddy.

GK: And she slips through the bars, and down to the moat.

TR: Brittany! No!

GK: And you scare the lion (LION SNARL) and that alarms the condors (CONDORS), who harass the polar bear (SFX) who dives into the dolphin tank (SFX), and the dolphins go crazy (SFX), and they wake up the sleeping hyenas (SFX), who dash into the buffalo pen (SFX) and they stampede and meanwhile the lion is choking on a piece of popcorn (SFX) and you grab your daughter (SS KID) and walk rapidly away so the zookeepers won't arrest you for that popcorn that the lion has got stuck in his throat (SFX) and you don't watch where you're going and you bump into the orangutan's cage where he is picking his big bright red butt (APE) and he sees your big red face, which he mistakes for an orangutan butt, and he reaches toward you with his long monkey finger (SFX) (SS: Daddy! Look out!) Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie and Rhubarb Pie filling.

(SINGS)

Just one little things can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie
Serve it up, nice and hot
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought

ALL:
Momma's little baby loves rhubarb rhubarb beboparebop rhubarb pie
Momma's little baby loves rhubarb rhubarb beboparebop rhubarb pie
Beboparebop rhubarb pie.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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