Mom, July 23, 2011

Canadian Maritimes Cruise Compilation


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Mom

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(DIALING, PHONE RINGS, THREE TIMES, PICKUP)

GK (ANSWERING MACHINE): Hello. You have reached Duane. I'm not available to take your call. Please leave a message after the beep. (BEEP)

SS (MOM, ON PHONE): Duane. This is your mother. I know you're there. Mothers know these things. Duane ---- pick up the phone. I know you wish it were someone else ---- maybe the girl who responded to your ad in Match-dot-com, which by the way I thought was ----- you know, I hate to use the word "weird" but what else is there ------ it was okay until you got to the part about daring to be the person you are, Duane, I had no idea what you meant by that and then you got to talking about overcoming childhood inhibitions and poor self-image and forgive me for saying so, but you sounded like a gibbering idiot ----- Hello?

GK: Hi, Mom.

SS (MOM): Duane-----where were you?

GK: I was busy, Mother.

SS: Busy with what?

GK: It doesn't matter.

SS: You weren't-----

GK: No, I wasn't.

SS: I hope not.

GK: I wasn't.

SS: But you were too busy to talk to your mother???

GK: Mother, you could've left a message.

SS: Duane, I am a mother. Mothers do not leave messages. Motherhood is not about messages, Motherhood is hands-on stuff, Duane. It's about being there. Being there. You know what I mean? I was always there for you, Duane. I still am.

GK: Mom, I'm just really busy now trying to finish up this novel. It's due on Wednesday.

SS (MOM, ON PHONE): Duane, I know you're busy and that's why your dad and I went on a cruise to Canada. To stay out of your way so you could finish your novel. So you wouldn't even have to think about us.

GK: You're where?

SS: We're on a cruise ship on the St. Lawrence River, Duane---

GK: Why didn't you tell me you were going?

SS: We didn't want you to worry about us, Duane.

GK: Well, what sort of cruise is it?

SS: I'm not sure. I think it's a cruise for recovering gamblers.

GK: What?

SS: I mean, the casino is absolutely empty. Nobody. I had the slot machines all to myself last night. Or it may be a cruise for people with O.C.P.-----

GK: What's O.C.P.?

SS: Obsessive-compulsive politeness

GK: Well, why did you pick that cruise?

SS: Your dad hasn't been sleeping well and we thought that Canada could do the trick. Anyway, I thought you'd be done with that novel by now. Not going so well, huh?

GK: Mother---

SS (MOM): I looked at the manuscript when I came and cleaned your apartment last week, Duane----

GK: Mother----

SS (MOM): Women don't use the term "underthings," Duane. On page 14, where Melissa says, "Remove my underthings, darling" ----- that's not what a woman would say.

GK: Who said you could read my novel?

SS (MOM): I am only trying to be helpful.

GK: It's not ready to be read.

SS (MOM): Boy, don't I know that!

GK: What gives you the right to go into my computer and read my novel?

SS (MOM): It's a mother's right to know. And I earned that right when I lay writhing in that hospital delivery room suffering the worst agony a human being can suffer—

GK: Mom.

SS (MOM): I went through the pangs of death when I had you, Duane----

GK: Mom---

SS (MOM): If the CIA did to terrorists what you did to me-

GK: Okay, okay---

SS (MOM): And then when he does remove her underthings, and she says, "Take me someplace I've never been before, make me laugh, make me cry." ----- Duane, a woman wouldn't say that.

GK: Okay---

SS (MOM): Duane, I have to ask you this. Have you actually been with all the women I thought you had been with?

GK: Mom, I don't think that's anything we need to talk about. Okay?

SS (MOM):I want your book to be a good book, Duane. Not a turkey. And I know it must be hard to write a novel, but if I could push a 12-pound baby down a tube as big as your thumb, I'm sure you can write that novel.

GK: Thanks, Mom.

SS: Your dad wants to talk to you now, okay? Hank! Hank! (TR OFF) Come here and take the phone. (TR GRUMBLE) It's Duane. Your son. (TR GRUMBLE) He wants to talk to you. Come here. ---- Duane, you still there?

GK: Still here, Mom.

SS: Come on, Hank. Come to the phone. It'll just take a minute and you can go back to your show. ----- He's watching a fishing tournament on TV.

GK: I thought you were on a cruise.

TR: Hi, son.

GK: Hi Dad. How's the cruise?

TR: About the same.

GK: Okay. You having a good time?

TR: Yeah. Just taking it easy. How's it with you? You staying out of trouble?

GK: Yeah. Everything's about the same.

TR: Okay. ---- So how come we're talking then?

GK: Have no idea, Dad.

TR: Okay. Here's your mother.

SS: Give me the phone, Hank. Don't just drop it on the ----- Okay. So ---- we're going to be in Quebec City in the morning and then Montreal ---- anything you want us to bring you?

GK: You going ashore in Quebec?

SS: Weren't planning on it but we could----- you want us to bring you something? Magnets for your fridge? Maybe some fudge?

GK: Why don't you get off the boat and see Quebec?

SS: Your dad is glued to the TV. The British Open golf tournament starts tomorrow and the TV reception on the boat is really good.

GK: You're on a cruise so you can watch TV?

SS: Well, I've been getting around the boat and doing things----- went to a movie and today I heard a lecture by a geologist.

GK: What was that about?

SS: Volcanoes and tectonic plates moving and earthquakes.

GK: Interesting.

SS: Made me think of when I gave birth to you.

GK: Well, when do you fly home? you want me to pick you up at the airport?

SS: We're not flying home, Duane. We're staying on the ship.

GK: And going where?

SS: Back to Boston and then to Greenland and Iceland and over to Amsterdam and then we're going to sail into the Mediterranean and through the Suez Canal and around to the Indian Ocean and Southeast Asia and Hong Kong and Tokyo and then to Alaska and down to Seattle and take the train home.

GK: You're sailing around the world?

SS: Dad likes it on the boat.

GK: That's kind of expensive, isn't it?

SS: Well, I guess so. About a hundred-thousand apiece, I guess.

GK: Where are you going to get that kind of money?

SS: Well, we've put the house up for sale.

GK: You did? Why didn't you tell me?

SS: Well, we didn't think it'd sell so soon.

GK: It's sold already?

SS: A very nice couple bought it.

GK: When do they move in?

SS: August 1st.

GK: That's awfully soon.

SS: Well, that's what they wanted.----

GK: But who is going to clean out the basement and the garage-----Mother-----

SS: That's why I called.

GK: Mother-----

SS: We've asked so little of you, Duane.

GK: Mother, I am busy writing my novel.

SS: Honey, I think you need to do more research.

GK: Oh please.

SS: Meet a woman and ask her about her underwear.

GK: Mother, I cannot clean out your house and all the junk in it by August 1st.

SS: Well, all right. If you can't, you can't. Then I'll tell your dad that we can't go around the world. We'll just go as far as we can until the money runs out and then we'll go ashore wherever that may be and we'll throw away our passports and our identification and we'll squat by the side of the road, in Addis Ababa or Bombay or Ho Chi Minh City, and we'll beg. We'll write the word LEPER on cardboard in big crayon letters and we'll beg for money and sleep in the streets and see what happens.

GK: Mother-----

SS: You just write your novel about underwear and we'll travel and if you never hear from us again, know that we died happy, living our dream.

GK: Mom, please----

SS: Whatever happens to us, it couldn't be any worse than childbirth-----

GK: Mom----

SS: Honey, I've got to go. My battery's almost dead. It's on the red.

GK: Your cellphone?

SS: My pacemaker. I've got to go down to the ship's doctor (SHE COUGHS AND WHEEZES)-----

GK: Mom? Can I call you back?

SS: I don't want to be a burden to you, Duane.

GK: Please let me call you back. In a couple hours.

SS: It's two hours later here, Duane.

GK: I'll call you in an hour.

SS: Honey, you've got a novel to write.

GK: I'll call you back.

SS: I don't want to trouble you, Duane.

GK: It's okay, Mom.

SS: I didn't want to worry you.

GK: I'll call you back.

SS: Okay, but if you get busy with something, and you forget, don't worry about it.

GK: I'll call you back in an hour.

SS: Bye now.

GK: Bye now.

SS: Love you.

GK: Love you too.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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