The Lives of the Cowboys, September 3, 2011

Minnesota State Fair Grandstand

Falcon Heights, MN


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The Lives of the Cowboys

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(WESTERN THEME.....)

SS (ANNC): THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Mojave Mutual Funds..if you're feeling lucky, why not call Mojave Mutual Funds and let us do for you what we've done for hundreds of others. (COWS)

GK: Kinda sad to think that the State Fair'll be over in a couple days and you and I get back on our horses and go back to the cowboy life of eating bad food and sleeping on the ground and having no girlfriend.

TR: Well, that's our life so we may as well make the best of it.

GK: I just get lonely out there. I don't want a home where the buffalo roam, I don't relate to buffalo. I miss the human touch.

TR: You want me to touch you?

GK: No. I want a woman's touch.

TR: I could slap you.

GK: No thanks. ---- Look. Who's this coming?

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH, JINGLE OF SPURS)

TK: Afternoon, gentlemen. The name's Tiny. (HAWKS AND SPITS. COW REACTION, OFF) And this here is Rusty.

GK: I'm Lefty, this is my pardner Dusty.

TR: Howdy.

FN: Pleased to make your acquaintance, gentlemen.

GK: I see by your outfits that you are cowboys.

FN: Very perspicacious of you.

GK: Silver spurs, chaps, six-guns, bandoliers, leather vests, big sombreros----- pretty impressive. No dust on you though.

TK: We never go out on the trail anymore.

FN: We just saunter around the fair grounds.

TR: You just saunter?

FN: That's right. We're good at sauntering. Leaning against a post sitting on railings.

TK: Sometimes we'll mosey but mainly we saunter.

FN: Walk along real slow and our hats down low and no eye contact and hands on the gunbelt and ever so often you stop and (HE HAWKS AND SPITS, DISTANT DOG DISTRESS) -----

GK: And that's it-----

TK: People love it. They want to have their pictures taken with us. So we'll stop and hunker down and they take the picture and we charge ten dollars for a picture.

GK: People pay that?

TK: They do. We're all media. All platforms. Facebook, Twitter, print, video, you name it.

FN: So what kind of work is it that you gentlemen do?

TR: We're cowboys. We're on the trail. Driving cattle. Eating dust.

TK: (CHUCKLES) That's what we used to do. (HE HAWKS AND SPITS) Then we got smart.

(FOOTSTEPS)

SS: Oh there you are! Where'd you go? You just walked away?

FN: Howdy, girls. Like you to meet Dusty and Lefty. These are our girlfriends, Candy and Bambi.

ER: Hi. You been in a car accident or something?

TR: Nope, just been working with cattle.

FN: Let's go get us a beer, sweetheart.

(HE HAWKS AND SPITS, DISTANT CHICKEN)

ER: I just love it when you spit like that. I never had a boyfriend who spit before.

GK (LOW): Lookit that, Dusty. Lookit how those beautiful women hang on those two.

TR (LOW): What's their secret, I wonder?

GK (LOW): Well, they're using a cologne.

TR (LOW): Not particularly handsome.

GK (LOW): Plenty of confidence, though.

TK: Well, I guess we'd better be moseying along. Good to meet you fellers.

GK: Hold on.

FN: What is it?

GK: You mind hunkering down here so we can ask you a few questions?

TK: Guess that'd be okay. ----- You girls, wait for us outside ---- we gotta have a little pow-wow here.

SS, ER: Oh, okay. (Come on, Bambi.)

GK: So---- what we want to know is, what's the secret?

TR: Yeah, how'd you get those two to follow you around like that?

GK: Here we are, busting our humps on the dusty trail, working our tails off, and we got nothing to show for it, and women act like we got a disease, and here you are, fat and prosperous and women hang all over you.

FN: Well----- of course it helps to be handy with a pistol. (THREE GUNSHOTS, RICOCHETS) And if you can throw a knife with accuracy----- (SFX). And roping and riding and all of that.

TR: But we can do that-----

TK: A high-quality facial moisturizer helps.

FN: Yeah. And a good hair product.

TK: And then we learned to appreciate cats.

TR: Cats, huh?

FN: Yeah. Out there on the trail, a man is wary of the cat species, but if you want the comforts of womenfolk, you have to learn to get along with cats.

TR: Never cared for cats myself.

FN: They got a way of getting to you. The way they stare at you. For hours. And then they look away.

TK: It's the disdain that gets to you.

FN: Me and Tiny worked sheep, goats, bison, you name it ----- cats are the toughest.

TK: They're so judgmental.

GK: Cats look at you like you were something in a cat box.

FN: You have to avoid eye contact.

GK: Well, you've got a couple of sweet girlfriends.

TK: Yeah, they're crazy about us.

GK: And it's all about cats.

FN: (MEOW)

GK: Who's this?

TK: Bambi's cat, Mr. Snuggums.

GK: Mr. Snuggums, huh?

TK: Yeah.

GK: And the cat sleeps in the bed with you—

TK: That's right.

TR: I couldn't sleep with a cat.

TK: You just have to learn.

FN: You two take care now. Adios, amigos.

(FOOTSTEPS AWAY)

GK: I'd have a hard time putting up with that on a regular basis.

TR: Coupla lovely ladies though. Mmmmm hmmmmm.

GK: Yeah. And they get to saunter.

TR: Well, when you spend eight hours a day on a horse, you don't saunter that well. It hurts even just to mosey.

TR: He had a pager on his hip, next to the six-gun. You see that?

GK: Yeah.

TR: Those two are in demand. People love them. They earn the big bucks. They got girlfriends. They don't have to sleep on the ground.

GK: But they have to have that cat staring at them day and night. You want that life, you go find it, Dusty. I'm gonna stick with what I got.

(STRUMS GUITAR)

I'm just an old cowboy with dust in my hair
I look bad, I smell bad, and I don't care.
I have a good horse and I have a big hat
And I'm proud that I don't have to live with a cat. Whoopitiyiyo git along little cowboys.

(WESTERN THEME)

SS (ANNC): THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....was brought to you by Mojave Mutual Funds.)

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