Guy Noir, September 24, 2011

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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Guy Noir

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(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions—Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UNDER)

GK: It was late September and the wild geese were heading south along the Mississippi flyway (SFX) and the message was clear: we're leaving --- stay behind at your own risk. My landlady Doris was suggesting I move on, too.

SS (DORIS): Again you're late with the rent. What gives? I'm not a charitable institution. I'll give you exactly three days to pay the rent.

GK: Okay. I'll take Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve and Flag Day.

SS (DORIS): Very funny. Very funny.

GK: I'm on a new case, Doris, I'll have the money tomorrow.

SS (DORIS): Tomorrow.

GK: (HE SINGS) Tomorrow, Tomorrow. The rent'll be paid Tomorrow, I promise I'm gonna pay--- Tomorrow---- I can't today.

SS (DORIS): Okay. But make sure it's in my hand by noon. Tomorrow. Otherwise---- (SHE MAKES THWOPP SOUND) off with your head. (BRIDGE)

GK: The new case was a simple lost person case. I'd gotten a call from Bob's Top Quality Orphanage.

TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, this is Bob, I need your help, we got an orphan missing from the orphanage here. She ran away yesterday and we're heartbroken. Her name is Olive Flambeau, F-L-A-M-B-E-A-U. Flambeau.

GK: I located Bob's Top Quality Orphanage in an old house on the bluff overlooking the river. A big old green frame house with trees growing out of the roof and a big dog on the front porch (SNARL)---- I rang the bell. (SFX) (SFX AGAIN)----

(FOOTSTEPS)

TR: Oh hi. You must be Mr. Noir. Thanks for coming over. This is my wife, Lana.

GK: Hi. So---- about Olive.

TR: Right. We're worried sick about her. Run off yesterday and we've got no idea where she went to.

SS: We looked high and low.

TR: Drove around town, looking for her.

GK: You call the police?

TR: Uh, no. As a matter of fact.

GK: Why not?

SS: Well------ it's hard to explain.

TR: Olive is a very sensitive little girl. We didn't want police cars tearing around with their sirens screaming and all that.

SS: She's extremely delicate.

TR: Yeah, she's scared of loud sounds.

SS: This is the first time Olive has been outdoors in ---- well, months.

TR: (OFF) Too much information.

SS: Well, it's true. Poor kid is scared of her own shadow.

TR: Loud cars, dogs, airplanes, you name it.

SS: We keep her in a very quiet room in the basement.

TR (OFF): T.M.I.

GK: Mind if I have a look at her room?

TR: Oh, that's off-limits. Sorry. Private room. Nobody goes in there but us. Security regulations. (STING, BRIDGE)

GK: When you're in the business as long as I've been in it, you don't need a polygraph to know when people are lying. I called Lieutenant McCafferty at the St. Paul P.D. to check on the orphanage people----

TR (IRISH): What's the address again?

GK: 79 Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin Boulevard.

TR (IRISH): Could you spell that for me?

GK: I could, but I'd rather not.

TR (IRISH): What's the name?

GK: Bob.

TR (IRISH): I've got a Bob Braunschweiger.

GK: Spell that?

TR (IRISH): Braunschweiger. Just how it sounds. A.k.a. Bob Leberkaese, a.k.a. Bob Mettwurst, a.k.a. Bob Schweinebauch.

GK: A.K.A., American Kennel Association?

TR (IRISH): A.k.a., also known as. Pseudonyms.

GK: So he's a crook.

TR (IRISH): You got it, buster.

GK: Okay, thanks for looking. (BRIDGE)

GK: It wasn't hard to find her. There aren't many little girls with 500-watt smiles walking around. She was over in downtown Minneapolis standing (STREET TRAFFIC) on the corner by the entrance to the Twins new stadium where the fans were pouring in to watch a game on a cold afternoon and the Twins in last place in the American League East. And there, standing on an orange crate, playing an accordion, was a bright-faced girl with red curly hair. (ACCORDION)

MF: Hey, cheer up, everybody. Wait til next year! We'll show em. Next year---- the World Series!! You just wait and see!!!

(SHE SINGS, TO "TOMORROW")

The Twins'll be back
Next season,
After winter's freezing
Next season
We'll have spring.
Next season, next season
They're winners next season
And we're gonna
Dance
And sing.

(CROWD GRUMBLING, IN PASSING)

GK: The Twins fans were not buying it. But that didn't faze the kid. She just picked up her orange crate and her accordion and walked around the corner into a bar where old men were drowning their sorrows and she climbed up on the box and gave them a big grin----- (OLD MEN MURMURS)

MF: Hi there! My name is Olive and how's everybody doing today?

(OLD MEN GROAN)

MF: Yeah, I've had days like that myself, but everything's going to get better, I just know it, and I'm here hoping you'll all make a contribution today. Help an orphan get to Los Angeles and become a big movie star. What do you say? MF (SINGS):

Dough, some dough
I need some dough
Ray, I'm smiling radiantly
Mi, I'm here
In Minnesota
Fa, a long way from the sea
Sol, all people have a soul
La, I'm going to L.A.
Ti, I'll have some with a roll
But I really need some dough today and------
Dough some dough,
I need some dough.

GK: Here, kid. Here's twenty bucks.

MF: Thank you very much.

GK: I'm looking for an orphan named Olive Flambeau. And I've got an idea you might be her.

MF: Oh my gosh. How'd you know? Did Bob send you?

GK: He did but he's a crook and you're not going back there. How long've you lived in the orphanage.

MF: Not long. A few months.

GK: Where are your parents?

MF: I don't know.

GK: Where did you live?

MF (SINGS):

We lived way up north
Way up by Duluth
We were happy Lutherans
Really, it's the truth.
We lived on a farm
We raised dairy cows
Mama made green Jell-O,
Daddy built our house.

They were nice
But not that smart
They had flamingos
Out in the yard
I am no orphan
I just ran away
Because I'm going
Out to L.A.

GK: If you ran away from home, I have to take you back, kid. It's my duty.

MF: I only ran away after my parents forgot me at a shopping mall.

GK: How could they forget you?

MF: They were busy texting people and listening to their iPods and they went into an electronics store and looked at notebooks and bought some apps and it took them a long time----

GK: And they didn't come back?

MF: I waited an hour and then I got out of there. And I was heading for the bus depot when those people from the orphanage grabbed me.

GK: Aha. And your parents didn't come looking for you?

MF: I don't know. I think I met them in a chat room the other day.

GK: You remember their names?

MF: Hot Stuff and Big Boy.

GK: Not their screen names----- their real names.

MF: Olson. Jimmy and Lois Olson.

GK: So---- Olive Flambeau?

MF: My stage name. Don't send me back to the orphanage, sir. Please. They locked me in a room in the basement.

GK: Why?

MF: I guess they liked kids but they liked kids to be quiet.

GK: Ahhhh.

MF: I was too cheerful for them. I always have a smile on my face and a song in my heart. It got on their nerves.

GK: I've known people like that. So you're going to sing onstage someday, huh, Olive?

MF: Yes, sir.

GK: Musicals, huh?

MF: I love musicals. (SINGS)
We're going up to
Anoka
And we're gonna hang out
'In Anoka
For a day!
Anoka! Anoka!
I love ya Anoka!
You're only
A mile
Away!

GK: Ah, I miss being young. The intensity of it. The way you go after your heart's desire and decide you're going to find it no matter what.

MF: What's your heart's desire, Mr. Noir?

GK: Good question, Miss Flambeau. I guess my heart's desire is to never get old.
I wish I were
Immortal
A lovely thought to be
'Immortal
And to stay
Immortal! Immortal!
Forever immortal!
And never
Fade
Away!

MF: Excuse me, but what does "immortal" mean?

GK: You won't find out until tomorrow and then it's too late. (BRIDGE) So I called Jimmy and Lois Olson up in St. Louis County (TR ON PHONE: Oh boy. Thanks a lot. We missed her something terrible. We'll be right down to the Cities. SS ON PHONE): Our little Doris. Safe. Thank you so much.)

GK: Her name is Doris?

SS (ON PHONE): Yes. Doris Olson.

GK: I think you ought to start calling her Olive Flambeau.

TR (ON PHONE): Oh. Okay. If you say so.

GK: I say so. (BRIDGE)

GK: You're parents'll be here in a couple hours, Olive.

MF: Okay. So I can't go to L.A. today?

GK: No. Save it for later.

MF: Okay. Well, it was a nice idea.

GK: It'll keep.

MF: Only bad thing about going to L.A. is that I'll miss winter.

GK: Yeah. It's the best time of year.

MF: You feel that way too?

GK: I do.

MF (SINGS):

I'm dreaming of a cold winter
Just like the ones up in Duluth.
It's always snowing, the wind is blowing
It's forty below, and that's the truth.

MF & GK:

I'm dreaming of a long winter
A winter that makes me feel strong.
May you raise your voices in song
And may winter be very very long.

GK: That's the spirit, Olive.

MF: Thanks for finding me, Mr. Noir.

GK: It was my pleasure, believe me.

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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