Mom, October 15, 2011

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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Mom

Listen (MP3)

(PHONE RINGS, 3X, PICKUP)

GK: Hello?

SS (MIDWESTERN, OFF): It's been sitting out on the counter for hours. (TR MURMURS, OFF) Botulism, Hank. (TR MURMURS, OFF). It's not "just applesauce". It could be a death trap.

GK: Mom?

SS (ON PHONE): Duane honey? Is that you?

GK: Did you just call me?

SS: (OFF) Throw it away, Hank. Why take chances with your life?

GK: Do you want me to call you back?

SS: No no no, no no no. Unless you're busy.

GK: No, I was just getting out of the shower.

SS: Oh. You going somewhere?

GK: I am. Yes.

SS: Well, good. That's wonderful. (BEAT) Alone?

GK: I'm going out with some friends.

SS: Oh. Well, that's good. (BEAT) Anyone special?

GK: Maybe.

SS: Well, I won't pry. It's your life. I know you want your privacy and that's fine. I just want you to be happy. That's all I want. If you were to tell me that you've found the love of your life, I would be the happiest woman in the world. If you said, I met her and we're going to get married in California in three weeks, your dad and I would break our backs to be there. If you wanted us there. And if you didn't, that's okay. Either way. It's up to you. I just want you to be happy. That's all I want.

GK: Okay, mom. Thanks. Were you calling about something, mom?

SS: Yes I was. Halloween.

GK: What about Halloween?

SS: Well it's coming up fast. Just two weeks away, Duane.

GK: Right?

SS: Well. I want to know what you're going as. Maybe I can make your costume!

GK: Mom-----

SS: Remember that cute prince outfit I made? And the spider? With all those arms on strings? I made that.

GK: That was a long time ago, mom.

SS: Remember when you were a skunk, Duane…remember?

GK: Mom—

SS: Who painted the stripe down your back and filled up the water balloons with stink juice, huh?

GK: You did, mom.

SS: I sure did. And you smelled authentic, Duane. You were a perfect skunk.

GK: People ran away from me all night.

SS: Of course they did. ----So what are you gonna be this year? I want to get started. Maybe you and she could go as a couple. I could make two costumes.

GK: Who?

SS: The special friend-----

GK: I don't know if she even likes Halloween.

SS: I could make another skunk outfit.

GK: I don't think so.

SS: How big is she, Duane?

GK: Her size?

SS: Right.

GK: I don't know.

SS: When you put your arms around her, do they go all the way around or is there some left over?

GK: I don't know, Mom.

SS: You don't know?

GK: This is our first date.

SS: Oh------

GK: It's a blind date.

SS: Aha. This isn't someone you met online, is it? Like the woman who was a champion shot putter?

GK: No. A friend of mine lined us up.

SS: Oh. Okay. What do you know about her?

GK: Her name is Solveig and she likes to dance.

SS: Solveig?

GK: Yes.

SS: Hmmm. Norwegian. (OFF) Her name is Solveig, Hank. (A BEAT) She's Norwegian. (TR MUTTERING) ----When do we get to meet her?

GK: Mom, I haven't met her yet.

SS: Invite her for Halloween. I'm dressing up as Cleopatra.

GK: Sounds good.

SS: I could make her a costume, Duane. Maybe she'd like to be a gypsy. Is she busty?

GK: Busty?

SS: You know. Big boobs?

GK: Mom, I have no idea.

SS: Norwegian women tend to be chesty. She'd look nice as a gypsy. But not if you're going to go as a skunk.

GK: Mom, I've got to go get dressed. She's going to be here any minute.

SS: You're not dressed???

GK: I just got out of the shower.

SS: You're standing there naked??

GK: I have a towel.

SS: What are you going to do if she rings the bell right now?

GK: Well, that's why I'm going to go get dressed.

SS: Well, talk to your father for a minute. (TR MURMURS, OFF) It's Duane, Hank. Your son. Come and the phone. (TR MURMURS, OFF) Take the phone, it won't kill you to talk to him, Hank, he wants to talk to you. (TR, OFF) Just turn the dang TV off, wouldya?---- (TR, OFF) Here, take the phone. (FUMBLES WITH PHONE)

TR: Hello.

GK: Hi dad.

TR: Hi.

GK: So you're dressing up for Halloween?

TR: Oh yeah. It's that time of year.

GK: What are you going as?

TR: Grizzly bear.

GK: Same as last year.

TR: Yeah. And your mom is going to be Cleopatra.

GK: Maybe you should try being Antony.

TR: Tried that once. He was an emperor and he wore a little skirt. Just didn't feel right.

GK: Okay.

TR: I'll give you back to your mother.

GK: Okay. You take care.

TR: Here she is.

SS (OFF): What, already? I only got one sleeve on, Hank. (ON): Duane, are you there?

GK: I'm right here mom.

SS: Okay, I have an idea. Why don't you come over and bring your friend and I'll measure you both for costumes.

GK: I don't know, mom.

SS: Well, okay. Goodbye then.

GK: Mom?

SS: Good luck to you, Duane. I wish you all the best.

GK: Mom?

SS: Goodbye Duane.

(HANGUP, A LONG BEAT, GK SIGH)

(PHONE RINGS, PICKUP)

GK: Hello?

SS: Or I could come over there.

(DOORBELL OFF)

GK: Mom, she's here.

SS: And you're standing there naked?

GK: I have a towel.

SS: Go to the door, Duane. But put a coat on.

GK: Okay.

SS: And some shoes.

(DOORBELL OFF)

GK: Gotta go, Mom.

SS: What's her name again?

GK: Solveig.

SS: Is she a lot younger than you?

GK: I guess so.

SS: Has she ever mentioned wanting to have children?

GK: Mom, I haven't even met her yet.

SS: Oh, right. Okay. Better answer the door. I'll call you later, Duane. Bye, love you.

GK: Love you mom.

SS: How much later? A couple hours?

GK: I've gotta go put a coat on, Mom.

SS: Okay. Bye now.

GK: Bye.

SS: Talk to you later.

GK: Okay.

SS: Be good. But not too good, okay?

GK: Okay.

(HANGUP, ORGAN)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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