The Lives of the Cowboys, October 22, 2011

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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The Lives of the Cowboys

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(WESTERN THEME)

SS (ANNC): THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by B Bar B Brand Buckskin Britches.....buckskin britches made from skin from the hindquarters of the deer so they fit you naturally for greater comfort….. and now here's today's exciting adventure....

(FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE. STOP. UNLOCK BIG CLUNKY LOCK. JAIL CELL DOOR SWINGS OPEN. FOOTSTEPS)

SS (OLDER, ROUGH): Here's your breakfast, boys. Cold oatmeal and instant coffee. Sorry but the Custer County Jail is fresh out of Eggs Benedict. (SHE LAUGHS) Then you boys better freshen up. You got a court hearing at 10 a.m. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SWINGS SHUT, FOOTSTEPS, AWAY.)

TR: You can have my oatmeal ---- I don't care for it.

GK: Thanks. I imagine we'll be out of here by nightfall. All we need to do is explain that those other cows wandered into our herd while we were sleeping and snuggled up next to our cows and it was dim light in the morning and how were we supposed to know.

TR: Well, it didn't help that you called the Sheriff a big fat dingleberry. They don't like that here in Wyoming.

GK: Coulda called him a lot worse things.

(FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE. STOP. UNLOCK BIG CLUNKY LOCK.)

SS: Hey boys, you got you a roommate. (JAIL CELL DOOR SWINGS OPEN. FOOTSTEPS) In there, Mister. Make yourself comfortable. (SHE LAUGHS) Anything you need, just call Room Service. (SHE LAUGHS) (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SWINGS SHUT, FOOTSTEPS, AWAY.)

JL: Hi. Lithgow's the name.

TR; Morning. I'm Dusty, this is Lefty.

GK: Hey.

JL: Which bunk is mine?

TR: We got the two lower, you can have either of the uppers.

JL: Okay.

GK: You look like you're in for some kind of white-collar crime. Insider trading or something.

JL: Nope. Drunk and disorderly.

TR: Is that right?

JL: It's a complete misunderstanding.

GK: I know the feeling.

JL: I'm an actor. I'm preparing for a role in a western. I was acting drunk and disorderly. They thought it was real. Sort of a tribute, I guess.

GK: Hey, I know you. You're in the movies.

JL: Right.

GK: You were in that movie ----- don't tell me ---- the French movie ----- the guy on horseback--- and there was that big castle----- Dangerous Liaisons. You were great in that. I loved that movie.

JL: That was John Malkovich. He was great in that movie. Not me.

GK: You weren't the guy who undressed the young woman in the-----

JL: John Malkovich. I'm John Lithgow.

TR: No. Wait. You were in that pirate movie. The gay pirate. You wore the eyepatch-----

JL: You're thinking of Johnny Depp. I've never played a pirate. Mostly I play troubled men in suits and white shirts. Now and then a cross-dressing role comes along, but mostly I'm in a suit.

GK: You weren't the guy in the disco movie, the one in the white suit with the pointy finger-----

JL: Travolta. John Travolta.

GK: Or the old gunfighter with the eye patch----

JL: John Wayne.

GK: Oh, right. I guess I don't know you then.

JL: Welcome to the club. Anyway---- I got the role in this movie, a western, "Big Day At Black Rock," and I was ecstatic ---- my big break, a chance to play a gunfighter ---- and I came out here to prepare for the role and I walked into that saloon and I said, "Which one of you fairies wants to take on a 60-year-old character actor?" ---- just so I could feel the adrenaline ---- and nobody said a word. A saloon full of cowboys with headphones on, all of them online ---- so I picked up a whiskey bottle and threw it at the back bar and it busted the WiFi, and that got their attention, and here I am. And the movie starts shooting on Tuesday.

GK: Hey, I'm just Googling you here ---- you been in a lot of movies---- "Terms of Endearment" ----- what's this?

JL: That was a long time ago.

GK: You've got a lot of film clips here in YouTube, I see.

TR: Wow. Must be 50 or 60 of them.

GK: What's this one?

JL: Don't click that.

GK: "It Landed In My Yard". 1978.

JL: There's better stuff—

TR: Click it. (CLICK)

(ALIEN MUSIC)

SS: But doctor— the serum was just here. The serum to defend us against the mutant alien virus. I just put it on the table.

TR (NASAL): I can't imagine where it went. And at the crucial moment, too. With the aliens coming closer and closer.

(FOOTSTEPS)

JL: It's here. In my palm.

SS (GASP): Doctor Kremson!

JL: That's right. I'm back. You fired me for unethical genetic manipulation. Breeding a cat with a rainbow trout. You fired me for a scientific breakthrough. But I didn't go away. I've been hiding in the shrubbery. Watching. And waiting.

TR: Give us that serum, Kremson. It's the only thing that will save us from the alien attack.

JL: I know. (EVIL LAUGHTER)

SS: The aliens are coming! Kremson! Give it! (TUSSLE, GULPING SFX)

JL: Ha ha! I drank it! I shall survive the attack and all the rest of you will die. And I will take back the laboratory and breed thousands of trout-cats. (JL LAUGHTER, ALIENS APPROACH, SS SCREAM, CLICK)

TR: Wow. Pretty exciting stuff.

JL: I did the movie as a favor for a friend. It was shown in a couple of drive-ins, that's all.

GK: And what's this one right here?

JL: No no no---

GK: "The Jackals"--- 1982.

JL: Please. No.

TR: Play (CLICK, GANG MUSIC)

(GUNSHOTS)

JL (TOUGH): They got me. Got me in the heart. (HE COUGHS) I'm dying. ---- You'll never take me alive, coppers!

TR (IRISH): Throw out your gun, Dogface.

JL (TOUGH): I'll think about it, copper. I'm dying, Mama. One thing I want before I go. And that's a piece of pizza. That's all. (SEVEN BEEPS, CELLPHONE KEYS. PHONE RINGS AT OTHER END.) C'mon, c'mon, c'mon. I don't have all day. Answer. (PICK UP AT OTHER END, VOICE) Yeah. I want a slice of sausage, extra cheese, no onions. (VOICE AT OTHER END) You deliver? (VOICE AT OTHER END) No, I can't pick it up. (VOICE) It's me. Mario. I'm at my hideout. (VOICE) You want what? My what? (VOICE) My credit card? Couldn't you take cash? (VOLLEY OF GUNSHOTS) (VOICE) It's a long story, never mind. I don't have time. (HE COUGHS UP BLOOD) Okay. It's a Visa card. 473-464- (HE COUGHS) 2--------6---------3-------8--------9. Expiration date---------oh my god. It's expired. (HE DIES)

(CLICK)

TR: Wow. That's powerful stuff.

JL: Would you mind not looking at any more of my movies? Please?

GK: And what about this one?

JL: Please don't.

GK: "I Love You, Don't I?" from 1986.

JL: Please. Don't watch that. I needed the money. They offered to pay me in cash. It was a two-day shoot. Please---- (OFF) Can someone get me out of here?

(CHEESY MUSIC)

SS (BREATHLESS): Oh Bob.

JL (BREATHLESS): Oh Sherry.

SS: Oh Bob. It's you.

JL: Yes. You're here, Sherry. Just you and me. From now on.

SS: Don't stop. Don't ever stop.

JL: Oh yeah. Oh baby.

SS: Oh what you do to me, Bob. Oh darling.

JL: Hold me.

SS: Touch me.

JL: I am touching you.

SS: Touch me more.

(MOANING)

SS (TOUGH): Okay, Mr. Lithgow, let's go. Your agent paid your bail. ------(KEYS, DOOR OPEN) Whooooaaaaaa----- goodness, it's you without no clothes on. Rewind that, Lefty.

JL: I just want to go now. Can I go? Please.

SS (TOUGH): I want to see that again. (REWIND SFX, THEN CLICK. CHEESY MUSIC)

JL: -----here, Sherry. Just you and me. From now on.

SS: Don't stop. Don't ever stop.

JL: Oh yeah. Oh baby.

SS: Oh what you do to me, Bob. Oh darling.

JL: Hold me.

(CLICK)

SS (TOUGH): Gimme that laptop, Lefty.

GK: Where you going with that?

SS (TOUGH): Want to watch it in my office. C'mon, handsome.

JL: Thanks. So I'm out on bail?

SS (TOUGH): Hold me.

JL: What are you doing? (FOOTSTEPS)

SS (TOUGH): Don't stop. Don't ever stop. Ohhhh baby.

JL: (FADING, OVER FOOTSTEPS)L Excuse me??? What are you doing? Hey! Let go of me!

SS (TOUGH): I am a very lonely woman. And I have a gun.

JL (OFF): Whoa!!! Stop that!

(VOICES FADED OUT, SILENCE)

TR: Nice fellow. The guy's got talent.

GK: I don't think he's had any work done.

TR: Work done?

GK: You know. Botox.

TR: And now he's just met his biggest fan.

GK: Well, that's what actors do. They release emotions in other people.

JL (OFF): Help!!!!!!! Help!!!!!!!!

(THEME)

SS (ANNC): THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by B Bar B Brand Buckskin Britches.....buckskin britches made from skin from the hindquarters of the deer so they fit you naturally for greater comfort

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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