Teacher, October 22, 2011

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN

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Listen (MP3)


TR: ADVENTURES IN PARENTING......brought to you by the Federated Organization of Associations. F.A.O. ----bringing people together.


GK: Hello.

JL: Hello.

GK: I'm Carson Wyler. I'm Miranda's dad.

JL: Oh. Right. I'm Miranda's teacher, Arthur Bennington.

GK: Great to meet you. Miranda's said a lot about you.

JL: Oh really----

GK: Yes. And I'm sorry, my wife couldn't make it, she's at a fundraiser. She felt bad but---- had to be there.

JL: Oh. Of course. Okay.

GK: Let me just say before we get started that Miranda loves school. She wears her Grover Mills Middle School t-shirt to bed every night. Looks forward to school every morning. She says, "Dad, could we leave early for school?" She adores school.

JL: Miranda does?

GK: Yes, my daughter Miranda.

JL: Well---- okay. She is a wonderful student. Reading comprehension ---- she's way up there. Math skills ---- she's a real leader there. Writing skills are really really excellent. Spelling, grammar, both terrific. She's very cooperative, always ready to help other students work out the problems.

GK: So----- sounds good. Anything else?

JL: Mr. Wyler ----- I am the third teacher Miranda's had. I'm not sure you were aware of that. There were two before me. And it's only October.

GK: Yes. And?

JL: The other two were found in Miranda's desk.

GK: In her desk? Really?

JL: They were three and a half inches tall.

GK: The teachers----

JL: They each testified that Miranda had sprayed them with a sparkling liquid that shrank them to the size of pea pods.

GK: My daughter??

JL: That's what they said.

GK: The shrunken teachers?

JL: Yes---- look (LID OPEN) ---- this is Mr. Schaum. He came in late August.


GK: What did he just say?

JL: He said, "Miranda did this."

GK: My Miranda?? But she loves school.


GK: Did he just say something about lawyers?

JL: He did. Yes.

GK: And there's a woman in there too. Hi there---


JL: Miss Halvorson. She succeeded Mr. Schaum.

GK: Well, at least he won't be lonely in there. Heh heh heh.


JL: She resents the implication.

GK: Sorry. Well, I guess this must make you rather nervous, Mr. Bennington.

JL: It does. Of course it does. I'm close to retirement. My wife and I are planning to move to Vermont and open a summer theater. I'm an amateur actor. I can't imagine many roles for a three-inch-tall man. Tinker Bell and that's about it.


SS (GIRL): Dad?

GK: I'm talking to your teacher, darling. Can you wait out in the hall?

SS (GIRL): I'd rather wait in here. I'm curious what he's saying about me.

JL: I'm saying that you're doing very well in all your subjects and you're a wonderful wonderful little girl to have in the classroom, Miranda.

SS (GIRL): Who are you calling little?

JL: I'm just saying that we like you.

SS (GIRL): I like you too but I miss Mr. Schaum and Miss Halvorson. They were really really good teachers.

GK: You liked them, darling?

SS (GIRL): I liked them a lot.

GK: Well, maybe we can find a way to bring them back.

SS (GIRL): I don't think so, Daddy. I think they're pretty much gone.

JL: Wouldn't you like to have them back, Miranda? I know their families would like them back.

SS (GIRL): Why ask me, Mr. Bennington?

JL: Well-----

GK: What is that you have in your hand, Miranda?

SS (GIRL): This? This bottle of sparkle juice?

GK: Where did you get that?

SS (GIRL): Someone gave it to me at the airport and asked me to carry it aboard a plane, Daddy. But I wasn't getting aboard a plane. I was getting off a plane. With you and Mom.

JL: I think I should call security right now....(CREAK OF CHAIR, THREE STEPS....)

TR (ARABIC); I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mr. Bennington.

GK: Who is he?

SS (GIRL): He's my handler, Daddy.

GK: Your handler?

JL: Listen. I'm only a substitute teacher. I'm up for retirement in a few months. I don't want to be part of any of this.

TR (ARABIC): You are part of it now, Mr. Bennington. Oh, indeed you are.

GK: You're a terrorist, aren't you-----

TR (ARABIC): America is a very big country and now it is about to become a very very small country. Two hundred-fifty million mices running around.

SS (GIRL): He promised me that I'm going to be President of the United States, Daddy. Aren't you proud?

GK: Where did you meet him, Miranda?

SS (GIRL): Online. In a chat room.

GK: Oh no! I knew I should've shut that down.

TR (ARABIC): Too late, infidel!

JL: Please----- let me go----- I will tell nobody----- I just want to walk out that door----- okay? Please. (SLOW FOOTSTEPS) I'm just walking to the door and when I get there I'll turn left and go directly to the parking lot and I will speak to no one----- no one------ (BIG SPLORT & SPLASH. JL CRY OF HORROR. SHRINKING SFX)

GK: He's gone. Mr. Bennington-----


GK: Miranda?

SS (GIRL): Yes, Daddy.

GK: Congratulations on your presidency. I can't wait to see you inaugurated. What are you going to do, as president?

SS (GIRL): I'm going to cut taxes to nothing and I'm going to make the government very very small. Except for me. I'll still be big.

GK: And how about me, Miranda? I'll be big too, right?

SS (GIRL): You'll be big enough, Daddy.

GK: Same as now?

SS (GIRL): I'll think about it. I'll let you know.


TR: ADVENTURES IN PARENTING......brought to you by the Federated Organization of Associations. F.A.O. ----bringing people together.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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