(PHONE RINGS 3X, PICKUP)
SS (ON PHONE): Duane honey? Is that you?
GK: Hi mom.
SS (ON PHONE): You answered sort of like you were afraid it might be somebody you don't want to talk to.
SS (ON PHONE): That somebody isn't me, is it?
SS (ON PHONE): Listen honey, if you don't want to talk to me, just say so. We can be honest with each other, can't we? Just say, Go away, Mom. Go stick your head in the oven and leave me alone. If that's what you want, Duane. Are you there? Hello?
GK: What can I do for you, Mom?
SS (ON PHONE): I just called to make sure you were planning on coming over on Monday night to hand out candy with your dad. He's really looking forward to it, Duane.
GK: Well, let me look at the calendar-----
SS (ON PHONE): Monday night. Your dad is dressing up as a grizzly bear and he's going to hide in the bushes and jump out at kids.
GK: Sounds like fun.
SS (ON PHONE): I'm dressing up as an old lady.
GK: A witch?
SS (ON PHONE): An old lady.
GK: Oh. Okay. Well, listen, I'm looking at Monday and I'm supposed to go to a party, mom.
SS (ON PHONE): What do you mean, "Supposed to go"?
GK: Well, I told them I'd be there.
SS (ON PHONE): Oh? Who is "them"?
GK: Friends of mine.
SS (ON PHONE): Must be very close friends if you'd rather be with them than be with your own mother and father.
GK: Mom, I made a plan, okay? I didn't know you wanted me to come on Halloween.
SS (ON PHONE): All your poor father has ever wanted, Duane, is one or two little grandchildren to dress up in costumes and take trick-or-treating around the neighborhood!
GK: Mother ---
SS (ON PHONE): Who are these friends?
GK: Well, it's Solveig and her family.
SS (ON PHONE): Solveig-----the girl you went out on a date with a couple weeks ago----
SS (ON PHONE): So how's that going?
SS (ON PHONE): Fine? What does that mean, "fine"?
SS (ON PHONE): Is she in love with you, Duane? Is she hanging on you and looking up at you with those bedroom eyes? Is she suggesting that the two of you go away for the weekend? Is she?
GK: Mom, she's a very nice person. She's Lutheran.
SS (ON PHONE): Oh. Lutheran. Sorry to hear it. Famous for their low birth rate, aren't they. Why couldn't you have met a nice Italian girl ----you look at them and they get pregnant. Well, okay. No point arguing with you. Unless you want to bring her out here Monday night. Your dad and I could go stay in a motel, you can have the house to yourselves.
GK: Sorry, Mom.
SS (ON PHONE): Oh well. I tried.
GK: Maybe next year.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Whatever makes you happy.
GK: Can I just say something—
SS (ON PHONE): Tell it to your father, Duane. He's the one who gets so excited about Halloween. (OFF) Hank! Hank! (TR MURMURS, OFF) Just come talk to him Hank. Now. (ON PHONE) Here he comes right now, just talk to your dad now.
TR (ON PHONE): Yeah.
GK: Hi dad.
TR (ON PHONE): Hi son.
GK: How's it going over there dad?
TR (ON PHONE): Oh--- Pretty good. You?
TR (ON PHONE): That's good—glad to hear it.
GK: You all ready for Halloween, dad?
TR (ON PHONE): Yeah.
GK: Grizzly bear, huh?
TR (ON PHONE): Yeah.
GK: Okay. Well, good talking to you.
TR (ON PHONE): Same here. Hey, you remember Charlie-
TR (ON PHONE): Charlie. He's right here. Say hello.
FN (ON PHONE): Hello?
GK: Hi. Who's this?
FN (ON PHONE): Charlie. Who's this?
FN (ON PHONE): Who?
GK: Duane. I'm their son.
FN (ON PHONE): Oh really. Funny they never mentioned you.
FN (ON PHONE): I've known Duke and Babs for years. Never knew they had a son.
GK: You knew who?
FN (ON PHONE): Duke and Babs.
GK: The guy I was just talking to, you call him Duke?
FN (ON PHONE): Yeah, we used to play in a band together. The All-Star Solar Orchestra.
GK: What did they play?
FN (ON PHONE): Duke played bass and Babs was the singer.
GK: When was this?
FN (ON PHONE): Long time ago. Back in the Seventies. Listen, I gotta run. Good talking to you. What you say your name was?
FN (ON PHONE): Okay, I'll give you back to your mother. (OFF) Here, Sweetheart.
SS (ON PHONE): Hi, honey. Listen, don't worry about Halloween. I'm over it.
GK: Who was that I just talked to, Mom?
SS (ON PHONE): Charlie. Listen, I'd like to meet this Solveig sometime. Okay? We'll come into town. Have dinner someplace. We promise not to embarrass you.
GK: Mom, what was that he was saying about a band----
SS (ON PHONE): Oh that was a long time ago. How about Tuesday or Wednesday of next week? We'd love to meet her.
GK: Let me see how it goes.
SS (ON PHONE): "Let me see how it goes" ----- "Let me see how it goes" ------ why don't you just say, Get out of my life and stay out. Why beat around the bush? Maybe I'll find an apple and put a razor blade in it, Duane, and gobble it down and wait for death to come.
GK: Mom ---
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I hope you can make it to my funeral. (CRACKS) If not, okay. Maybe someone can make a video of it and you can watch it on YouTube. And that's okay. Because you're very, very busy trying to please everyone in the world except for your own flesh and blood and your own mother who lay on a bed of pain like being stabbed with red-hot needles and it went on for 27 hours ----- the labor ----- 27 hours ---- it was like trying to push a football through a garden hose and------ now you turn your back on me. (SOBS)
SS (ON PHONE): What.
GK: I'll come on Halloween.
SS (ON PHONE): No you won't. You say you will but you won't.
GK: I will, Mom.
SS (ON PHONE): You probably don't even have a costume that fits you anymore, honey.
GK: I'll come as a hobo. Okay?
SS (ON PHONE): I have a cape that would fit you. And a set of fangs.
SS (ON PHONE): But only if you want to.
GK: I want to.
SS (ON PHONE): What about Solveig?
GK: I'll explain it to her.
SS (ON PHONE): Don't say anything bad about me.
GK: I won't.
SS (ON PHONE): Don't tell her I made you. Cause I didn't, Duane. You do what you like.
GK: Okay mom. Who's Charlie, Mom?
SS (ON PHONE): Who?
SS (ON PHONE): Oh, it's a long story. I gotta run.
GK: Okay. I'll call you later.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): All right Duane, love you. See you Monday. Bye now.
GK: Love you mom, bye now.
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).