Joke, November 26, 2011

The Town Hall

New York, NY


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Joke

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GK: One of the most popular shows we do every year is our joke show , which this is not, but did you know that you can call up our Joke HotLine and get any joke you want ----- it works like this. (DIALING PHONE) It's an 800 number. (PHONE RINGS) It's ringing. Hang on. (PHONE PICKUP)

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): Hello! And welcome to the Prairie Home Joke hotline. All our representatives are busy helping other customers.

GK: Oh, great.

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): Your expected wait time: 25 minutes!

GK: Oh no. Listen. It's me. Hello hello. Hello hello.

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): Oh my. (COMPUTER BEEPS) Okay. If you are a member of the general public, press one. If you're the bossman, press two. (BEEP) You have pressed two. Is this correct? Say yes or no.

GK: Yes.

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): Please wait on the line while I transfer you to our VIP automated joke system.

(HOLD LIGHT MUZAK PIANO MUSIC)

GK: I guess they're busy. Odd but more people call in to the Joke Hotline during the show than any other time of the week.

(PICKUP, MUSIC STOP)

SS (ELECT. VOICE): Hello. I understand you are looking for a joke. If this is correct, press or say one.

GK: One.

(SHORT BEAT)

SS (ROBOT): All right. I heard you say, one. So tell me. What is the joke about?

GK: It's about two penguins on an ice floe.

SS (ROBOT): I heard penguin. Is this correct?

GK: Yes.

SS (ROBOT): Okay.

GK: But it's two penguins, not one.

SS (ROBOT): Does the penguin walk into a bar? Say yes or—

GK: No. They're on an ice floe------

SS (ROBOT): Okay. The penguin walks into a bar. Is there a rabbi involved? Say—

GK: No.

SS (ROBOT): Okay. Is there a talking dog?

GK: No.

SS (ROBOT): Okay. Is there a man with no arms or no--

GK: No.

SS (ROBOT): Is there a woman with light-colored hair who appears to be stupid?

GK: No.

SS (ROBOT): Okay. I have, a penguin walks into a bar. Is this correct? Yes or

GK: NO!

SS (ROBOT): I heard you. You do not need to yell.

GK: I'm sorry. But the penguin doesn't walk into the bar.

SS (ROBOT): Does someone's mother appear, who is very very fat?

GK: No.

SS (ROBOT): Is there a pig in this joke?

GK: You know what, forget it.

SS (ROBOT): Thank you for your patience. Your call is important to us. There are more than 48,000 jokes in our database. We are searching for the joke that you have requested.

GK: How many penguin jokes can there be?

SS (ROBOT): I do not understand. To terminate your call, press one. To continue the search, press two.

GK: No.

SS (ROBOT): Would you like to take a short survey? Say yes—

GK: No.

SS (ROBOT): I heard yes. One moment, please.

GK: No. I don't want to take a survey.

SS: I don't understand. I am transferring your call. (CLICKS)

GK: Why can't I hang up?

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): Hello! I understand you are trying to hang up. If so, say yes.

GK: Yes.

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): Shall we terminate our search for your joke about-----

SS (ROBOT): A penguin walks into a bar.

GK: Yes.

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): We have now located the joke about-----

SS (ROBOT): a penguin walks into a bar.

GK: I don't care. It's two penguins on an ice floe. I want to hang up.

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): While we're recovering your joke about ----

SS (ROBOT): A penguin walks into a bar.

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): Would you like to place an order with our online pharmacy, now offering 20% off on tricyclic antidepressants?

GK: No.

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): How about 30% off?

GK: No.

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): Do you wish to order a Lake Wobegon snow globe from Prairie Home products?

GK: No.

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): If you would like to hear your joke, press or say one. (BEEP)-- you have pressed one. (COMPUTER BEEPS)

SS (ROBOT): The penguin walked into the bar and he said to the bartender, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo."

GK: That's it????

SS (ROBOT): Goodbye.

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): If you would like to hear your joke again, press or say one. If this call is complete, please press two or say GO AWAY.

GK: GO AWAY.

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): To better serve you, this call has been recorded and sent to the police.

GK: Oh, give me a break.

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): Everything you say is being held against you in a court of law.

GK: I'm sorry I called.

TR (MOVIEPHONE GUY): For the right to remain silent, press or say one.

GK: I'm hanging up now.

SS (ROBOT): Say your name, last name first, first name last. And then your date of birth. Speak clearly into the phone. (BEAT) I'm sorry, I didn't hear that.

(HANGUP, A BEAT)

GK: Okay. I think it's over. (A BEAT) I think we can move on (PHONE RINGS) Don't answer that, okay? Just don't answer it. Let's move on, to--- (WHATEVER IS NEXT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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