TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye
GK: It was December, and I was in Manhattan, flat broke, living in an elevator in the Empire State Building which I sublet from a janitor. The elevator shut down at midnight and I had it until 8 a.m. which was a nice deal. For breakfast, I had a hot pretzel and for lunch another pretzel courtesy of Ramon who ran a pretzel wagon on 34th Street.
FN: I just want you to eat the pretzel standing by the wagon and saying, "Boy, this is some pretzel."
GK: Boy, this is some pretzel. ------ I was scraping bottom. So it was exciting when Mayor Michael Bloomberg asked me to locate a woman he wanted to appoint to a city position.
TR (BLOOMBERG): She was blonde and beautiful, bright red lipstick, and she was laughing and tossing her head and I thought she'd be perfect as the head of the Department of Sanitation.
GK: Sanitation, huh?
TR (BLOOMBERG): They're the ones who plow the streets. I got stung rather badly last winter when New York was hit by a blizzard that prevented me from flying back from Bermuda and getting the streets plowed.
GK: I remember that.
TR (BLOOMBERG): This year, we're changing our tune. (HE SINGS)
You just call for Bloomberg
And you know wherever I am
In Bermuda I will be there.
When there's a major snowfall
All you got to do is call
And I'll be there. I'll be there.
You've got Bloomberg-----
GK: So you think it'd be good to have a pretty girl as the head of snowplowing.
TR (BLOOMBERG): Here's a picture of her.
TR (BLOOMBERG): Who's gonna yell at someone as nice as that?
GK: I get your point. So----- my rate is $200 a day plus expenses.
TR (BLOOMBERG): Fill out a requisition. They're online.
GK: Right. You don't think you could----
TR (BLOOMBERG): No, I can't.
GK: Just twenty or thirty bucks?
TR (BLOOMBERG): Sorry. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: He'd seen the girl in the 34th Street subay tation. So I found a little bar on 34th Street called the Club Seville. It was a jazz club and very cool. Very cool. A woman sat at the bar next to me and I could hardly see her in the darkness. And she was wearing dark glasses. You're not blonde are you?
SS: Cool. (LIGHTER, SHE INHALES, EXHALES) Beautiful.
SS: But thanks.
GK: Hey. Cool.
SS: Yeah. (BASS FIGURE, AND OUT)
GK: I sat there waiting for the blonde with the red lipstick and an old guy walks in-----
FN: Could you help me?
GK: What's the problem?
FN: I don't know. I forgot.
GK: Forgot what?
GK: Amnesia, huh? You ever have amnesia, before?
FN: I don't know.
GK: Maybe you need to go back home and retrace your steps. Get into your jammies, go back to bed, then get out of bed, and it'll come to you.
FN: You think so?
GK: It works for some people.
FN: Okay. Thanks. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
GK: I'm a detective and I'm happy to help but my fee is $200 a day (DOOR SLAM) plus expenses.
(JAZZ PIANO) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
SS: Did I hear you say you're a detective?
GK: Right. (SEXY SAX) She was tall and elegant and she gave off a warmth that could have defrosted your refrigerator. I could feel my brain thinking about having a hemmorhage.
SS: Mr. Noir, I was riding the subway yesterday and I met the most wonderful guy, a guy I can imagine waking up next to every morning and having his babies.
SS: He was standing next to me on the uptown local and then---- at 34th Street ---- he jumped off and got on the express. But I'm sure he loves me.I felt a bond. I need you to find him. I caught a glimpse of his name on a sticker on his notebook. It's Thurston.
GK: Thurston. Okay, my fee is $200 a day plus expenses.
FN: Hi. It's me again. I went home and put on my pajamas and went back to bed ---- I think it was my bed ---- and I still can't remember what it was I forgot.
GK: Do you think you may have forgotten to take your medications?
FN: Yes! I think so!
GK: Do you have some medications on you?
FN: I don't know.
GK: Look in your pockets. (LIGHT RUMMAGE)
FN: You mean this?
GK: Yes. A bottle of pills. Let me see that. Right here on the front of the bottle ---- let me see----- Is this your name? General George Mills?
FN: Must be.
GK: You're General Mills?
TR (HERO): Excuse me----- I'm looking for someone. A woman.
TR (HERO): Oh my gosh. It's you!!! I thought I'd lost you.
SS: Why did you leave the train?
TR (HERO): Why? Because I wanted to take you out to dinner and a show, and then I remembered ----- I don't have a dime.
SS: Oh, I'm so glad I found you.
TR (HERO): I'm crazy about you. You know that? But I'm broke and unemployed and-----
GK: Excuse me, I'm representing the young lady......
TR (HERO): Wait a minute!!! Uncle George!!! It's me. Your nephew. Thurston.
FN: Why, I've been looking for you for years!!!
TR (HERO): You look well, Uncle George.
FN: I have to tell you ----- you're not my nephew.
TR (HERO): No?
FN: You're my illegitimate son by the cleaning lady, Gloria.
GK: If I could talk to you about my fee, General Mills.
FN: Don't interrupt. It's rude. Let's go to my lawyer's office, son. I have a rather large legacy for you.
TR (HERO): Oh my goodness sake.
SS: Oh Thurston. This is the most wonderful day of my life.
TR (HERO): I love you, Dad. I don't care about the money.
SS: My hero-----
FN: It's just fifty million dollars, Thurston. A tiny fraction of my estate.
TR (HERO): Well, in that case---- I accept.
SS: Let's get on the express and go down to City Hall, my darling----
GK: Well, General Mills---- I guess I solved your problem, huh? Got you your pills, found your son----
FN: Who are you?
GK: Noir. Private eye. I was giving you my professional help, sir-----
FN: Looking in a man's pocket and finding a medicine bottle? You call that professional help? Beat it.
SS: Thank you, Mr. Noir. Thank you for finding my true love.
SS: Do I owe you anything?
TR (HERO): Come, darling. There's a train in three minutes----- (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Out they went and then in she walked, the girl with the blond hair and the big smile and the lipstick.
NM: Hi. Is your name Bloomberg?
GK: No, it's Noir. But I'm working for a guy named Bloomberg and he was looking for you.
NM: Oh. So that explains the check.
GK: What check?
NM: Got a check an hour ago for a million six-hundred thou for me to sing a song and pose for pictures with a tiara and white satin gloves and a big silk sash that says Miss Sanitation. And a poodle named Orville.
GK: Very nice----
NM: And I got to keep the poodle. (SFX)
GK: What was the song?
NM: It goes like this. (SHE SINGS)
I get no kicks from champagne
Bermuda beaches are crawling with leeches
They're strictly for the elite
But I'm gonna plow your street.
Winter is great in New York
People are very cheerful and merry
They smile at me when we meet
Assuming I'm plowing their street.
Help me out, Orville.
New York has gone to the dogs
Big St. Bernards run down boulevards
With a flask of brandy for you
As I plow your avenue.
I feel elation at precipitation
Like champagne popping a cork
As I plow the streets of New York.
GK: Very nice. So you got a million six for doing that.
NM: Yeah. This morning I was down to my last pack of smokes and now I'm sitting on a million and a half. Think I'll head for Miami. Find me a little old house under a palm tree and a tall Mai Tai and a fella with good pecs and delts to clean my swimming pool.
GK: I've been working on my delts.
NM: I'm afraid you're overqualified.
GK: You wouldn't happen to have some change for a pack of cigarettes, would you?
NM: I don't. Just this big check.
GK: Okay. Well, good luck in Miami.
NM: Thanks. Here's looking at you. Here's saying goodbye to you.
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).