Bank, December 10, 2011

The Town Hall

New York, NY


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Bank

Listen (MP3)

(PIANO)

GK: I don't care for Christmas that much. All of that hullaballoo and the crowds ------ the crowds is what irritates me. I work in a bank and banks are packed with people and they're playing that awful music, you know the music I'm referring to and ------ actually, I don't work in a bank, I work in a number of banks. One right after the other.

SS: What's this? "Empty your cash drawer into this paper back and hurry." ???

GK: And don't press the alarm button, lady. Just hand over the cash and nobody gets hurt. ----- In the bag. In the bag. Okay. And lie down on the floor. Thank you. (FAST FOOTSTEPS ON MARBLE FLOOR. ALARM, SS CRIES: STOP THAT MAN!!!!) You tell em and you tell em and they don't do what they're told. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, TRAFFIC. MACHINE GUN. CRIES OF ALARM. CAR PULLS UP. CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES. PULLS AWAY)

TR: How'd it go?

GK: Fine.

TR: How much we get?

GK: I don't know. Fifty, sixty grand.

TR: Good. Any trouble?

GK: No. Went smooth as could be. (SIREN) Oh oh. Cops on our tail. Step on it, Joey. (CAR SCREECHES AROUND CORNER) I'll open up the window and toss some carpet tacks out on the road. (WHUMP) There. (COP CAR SKIDS, COP CAR CRASHES, SIREN STOPS) That took care of him. Nice driving.

TR: Where we headed? The hideout?

GK: Yeah.

(CAR SCREECHES AROUND CORNER)

TR: Where you going to be for Christmas?

GK: Going home to see my mother. You?

TR: I promised Lulu I'd take her to Vegas.

GK: Oh, that'll be fun. ---- Look out----

TR: What?

GK: Up ahead. Police barricade. Step on it.

TR: Step on it???!!!!

GK: Step on it. (CAR ACCEL. MACHINE GUN, OFF. REVOLVER FIRE. CRASHES THROUGH BARRICADE, MORE GUNFIRE FADING AWAY) (CAR SCREECHES AROUND CORNER) Why are you turning down here? It's the wrong way.

TR: Is not the wrong way?

GK: You're supposed to go down Arroyo to Monte Cristo.

TR: Arroyo is closed at Sepulveda.

GK: So? You take a left two blocks before Sepulveda at Bella Vista.

TR: Bella Vista is two blocks past Sepulveda.

GK: Going east, yes. Not going west.

TR: I'm going east now.

GK: You are? Why?

TR: We're going to the hideout.

GK: The hideout in Vallejo.

TR: Right.

GK: But the bank job was in Camino del Rio.

TR: Camino del Rio! I thought it was in Escondido.

GK: Camino del Rio.

TR: So I'm driving the wrong way.

GK: That's what I said.

(CAR MAKES HARD U-TURN, TIRES SQUEAL)

TR: Okay then.

(SIREN BEHIND)

GK: Oh boy. We rob a bank and then get arrested for an illegal U-turn. Step on it. (CAR ACCEL) Looks like I'm going to have to drop that 500-pound anvil in the road. Which button is the anvil ejector?

TR: Beats me.

GK: One of these is the buzzard release and the other one is the anvil ejector. Well, I'll try this. (BOINGGGGG. WHOOSH) Yeah, there goes the anvil. (WHANGGGG LANDS ON ROAD. CRASH OF SQUAD CAR) Well, that took care of him

TR: Mind if I listen to the radio?

GK: Yes, I do.

(CLICK)

DIGI SISTERS: Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
Ring ting tingling too
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you
Outside the snow is falling
And friends are calling "yoo hoo",
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you.
Giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap. (CLICK)

TR: Hey. Whatcha turn it off for?

GK: I hate that song.

TR: How can you hate that?

GK: Somehow I manage.

(CLICK)

DIGI SISTERS:
Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
Ring ting tingling too
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride (CLICK).

TR: I'm listening to that.

GK: Not with me here you're not. It's a horrible song. Follows you around at shopping malls. I saw it once in a zombie movie.

TR: You did not.

GK: Did so. Fifty zombies singing "Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling Yoo Hoo"----- it was blood-curdling.

(CELLPHONE RING, PICK UP)

GK: Hello?

SS (OLD LADY): Hi. Honey.

GK: Mom. Hi. How are you?

SS (OLD LADY): Oh, not so good.

GK: What's wrong, Mom?

SS (OLD LADY): My eyeball fell out.

GK: What????

SS (OLD LADY): Well, I was missing you and worrying about you and I got to crying and I blew my nose and I guess I blew too hard. Eyeball popped out.

GK: Why didn't you call me?

SS (OLD LADY): I didn't want to bother you.

GK: When did this happen?

SS (OLD LADY): October.

GK: October!! And you didn't call me???

SS (OLD LADY): Oh, don't worry about me, Buddy. ---- Buddy, I've got a call on the other line. Let me put you on Hold, okay?

GK: Okay, Mom. (CLICK)

DIGI SISTERS ON PHONE, SINGING:
Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
Ring ting tingling too
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you. (CLICK, HANG-UP)

(CAR INTERIOR, DRIVING)

GK: Joey, I've got to do another job. I need money. My mom has to have an eyeball operation.

TR: I donno, Buddy. We robbed twenty-six banks in this area already. Enough is enough. You said we were gonna take a month off and then start over in Delaware.

GK: Here's a bank up there. Just pull in.

TR: Okay. (BRAKES)

GK: Here---- I'll just write the note. (HURRIED SCRIBBLING) Back in a jiffy. (FAST FOOTSTEPS, OPEN DOOR, FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)

FN: Hi. Happy holidays. Nice ski mask. --- What's this? A note? ---- "Empty your drawers and don't press your button." --- What is that supposed to mean? You some kind of pervert?

GK: Gimme your cash and step on it.

FN: You want me to step on my cash?

GK: Listen, pal. I'm serious. I've got a gun. See?

FN: That ain't a real pistol. That's a cap gun.

GK: You want to find out if it's real? Huh. You want me to pull this trigger.

FN: Don't matter to me.

GK: Okay, wise guy. (CAP POPS)

FN: Cap pistol, what'd I tell you. (BRIDGE)

GK: The cops found Joey and he got 25 to 40 years for armed robbery. So I'm a solo now. Flew to New York and hit a bank in Queens, near the airport, or tried to.

SS (NYER): What do you mean, "hand over the cash"? What is this? You want me to put my hand over what cash? Huh? Who are you? Where you from? Speak up. What's your problem? Hand over what? I can't even read your handwriting down here? What does this say? Huh? Read that to me.

GK: Where?

SS (NYER): This part right here----

GK: That? That says, "Or else."

SS (NYER): Or else????? Or else what? Huh? OR ELSE WHAT?

GK: Or else I'll do something-----

SS (NYER): I don't get it. You mean if I don't give you money you're going to ---- what? Do what?

GK: I'll be forced to take measures.

SS (NYER): What is that supposed to mean? Forced to take measures? We don't have any measures here, What you talking about? Measure what? This isn't a hardware store. This is a bank. You know that?

GK: Lady, this is a stick-up.

SS (NYER): Oh yeah? Where's the stick?

GK: It's in my pocket.

SS (NYER): Let's see it.

GK: I don't want to.

SS (NYER): Show me the stick. Let's see the heat, let's have a look at the hardware. Come on. What you got? Where's the pea shooter?

GK: Lady, please. Have a heart. It's for my mom.

SS (NYER): Oh give me a break. Listen. I got other customers. If you don't start moving toward the door, I'm gonna set off the alarm right now.

GK: Go ahead, I don't care anymore.

SS (NYER): When I press this button, you're gonna be very very sorry.

GK: I got nothing to lose.

SS (NYER): You're gonna regret this, Mister. (CLICK)

DIGI SISTERS AS CHIPMUNKS:
Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
Ring ting tingling too
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you.

GK: Don't play that song. Please-- no more.
You know how once you get a piece of music in your head, it won't go away----- this is like that. I hear it over and over. It's okay if I'm in midtown Manhattan (TRAFFIC, HUSTLE) or anyplace where there's a lot going on, but if I should find myself in a quiet place ----- like the other day I stepped into Holy Trinity Lutheran church over on West 65th and Central Park West for the Bach Christmas Oratorio and (WHISPERS, SHUFFLING FEET. ORGAN OFF, PLAYING VERY QUIETLY) I made my way to a pew and the program was just about to start but in my head......

DIGI SISTERS, STARTING VERY FAINTLY AND SLOWLY AND GRADUALLY BUILDING AND ACCEL:

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
Ring ting tingling too
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride
together with you
Outside the snow is falling
And friends are calling "yoo hoo",
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you.
Giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,
Let's go, (FAST FOOTSTEPS. BIG DOOR SLAM. SONG STOP. TRAFFIC.

GK: Taxi!!!! (TAXI BRAKES) West 43rd Street, driver. (DOOR CLOSE, CAR ACCEL)

DIGI SISTERS SING: Giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,
Let's go, Let's look at the show,
We're riding in a wonderland of snow.
Giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,
It's grand, Just holding your hand,
We're gliding along with a song
Of a wintry fairy land.

GK: I take a pill and it helps but it never really goes away.

DIGI SISTERS, SLOWING SLOWING, SOFTER:

Outside the snow is falling
And friends are calling "yoo hoo",
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you.

(BAND BUTTON)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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