Batten, December 10, 2011

The Town Hall

New York, NY


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Batten

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DIGI SISTERS:
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
May the D.A.'s office not indict.
May your debt be renegotiated,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
May you not be hauled before a judge today.

TR: A very Merry Christmas from your friends at Batten, Bicker, Buttress & Bark. Nothing can ruin Christmas like your company coming under indictment. Your CEO sentenced to federal prison. Your shareholders coming after your personal assets.

At Batten, Bicker, Buttress & Bark, we've got your back. We can surround you with weeping grandchildren (SFX) a loyal wife (SFX), hundreds of happy employees (SFX), and impoverished old people grateful for the turkeys you delivered to their homes (SFX), and a friendly old dog named Shep (SFX). So when you say:

FN: I'm sorry, okay?

TR: People believe it, mostly. And they reduce your sentence from 40 years to community service with an ankle bracelet and a hair shirt. And a 40-school speaking tour at area high schools, entitled "What Was I Thinking?"

FN: I can't do that.

TR: You have to.

FN: That's humiliating.

TR: Deal with it.

DIGI SISTERS:
Through the years
We hope your business prospers,
All your dreams endow
May all your deductions be allowed.
And maybe you should hire an attorney now.

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