Guy Noir, February 4, 2012

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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Guy Noir

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(THEME. HM SINGS)

(THEME)

HM (SINGS):
That curl of his lip, that look of disdain,
As he strolls down the boulevard,
And a spot on his tie that looks like chow mein,
It's Guy....Guy Noir.

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was February and oddly warm in Minnesota ---- almost spring and not quite, like when the girl almost says, Yes, I'll go to the movies with you, but instead she says, Get lost. I was feeling lost after this mysterious phone call I got.

HM (ON PHONE): Hi, sweetheart. Listen, I can't make it for dinner tonight. I'm sorry, but something came up.

GK: Who's this?

HM (ON PHONE): It's Daphne.

GK: And we were supposed to have dinner tonight?

HM (ON PHONE): Yes. At Cucina D'Amore. Anyway, I can't be there. And I gotta be honest with you. I think I'm in love with somebody else.

GK: Oh. Who is he?

HM (ON PHONE): His name is Albert and he owns a hardware store. Anyway, I've got to run. Bye, sweetheart. Love you. (AIR KISS)

GK: Daphne?? Daphne----- (DIAL TONE) (SAD BRIDGE) It was so cruel. To be dumped by someone I didn't even know. And dumped for someone named Albert. I felt terrible. I headed down 7th Street, past the gin mills and dive bars, thinking maybe I'd drown my sorrows. (ROUGH STREET AMBIENCE)

TR (SMOOTH, SLICK): Hey, fella, how about a little game of chance. I shuffle the deck, you put down your bet, you take red, I take black, give you three-to-one, whaddaya say? C'mon, sport. Little game of chance here.

GK: No, thanks.

SS (BABE): Hey, you looking for a good time, huh? Listen. You give me fifty bucks and we go upstairs to my room and I'll let you beat me at arm wrestling. What do you say? Two out of three. For sixty bucks, you can win three out of four. How about it, big boy? Wanna wrestle? Let's go. Whaddaya say? Hubba hubba.

(FOOTSTEPS ON STREET, PASSING AMBIENCE OF CITY BARS AND TRAFFIC)

GK: I kept thinking about Daphne, imagining how nice it would've been to have dinner with her, and how tragic that I didn't even know about it until it was cancelled. I felt lonely and desperate. I went into an Internet Café and signed onto a website called Desperate-dot-com.

HM (DEEP): My name is Lola Marie and I would like to meet someone who would be interested in sharing my life and assisting me in my quest to make the World's Largest Ball of Tinfoil. Currently my ball is 41 feet in diameter and I have a long way to go. Must be height-weight proportional and have a strong drive to excel. (BRIDGE)

GK: I headed in to the Kit Kat Klub. (CROWD AMBIENCE)

TR (BARKER): Come on in, take a load off, and see the dancers.....the show is continuous.....no cover, no minimum ---- Hurra hurra hurra-----

(AMBIENCE CLUB INDOORS) (STRIPPER PIANO)

GK: Old men standing at the bar of the Kit Kat Klub. They've got a new wine out for old guys. A diuretic wine, called Pinot More. And one of the older strippers was on stage.

SS (HOARSE, SINGS, STRIPPING): All you need is love..boom boom. All you need is love.....boom boom. Love is all you need. Love is all you need.

TR (DURING ABOVE): Put it back on, Lois!! Please. Don't take that off. Here's my coat----- please. (PIANO)

GK: I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a sad old galoot in a wrinkled suit and muddy shoes. I came out of the men's room (CLUB AMBIENCE) and up on stage was a stripper named Julia Wild......

SS (SEXY): So I just take this big beautiful onion, and I cut it like this (SEXY BUMPS, RIM SHOTS) in big thick slices, and then I chop these beautiful carrots (SEXY BUMPS, RIM SHOTS) and.the garlic cloves ---- mmmmm, big cloves---- (SEXY BUMPS, RIM SHOTS)

(BRIDGE)

GK: I went to the Cucina D'Amore and the waiter said that Daphne hadn't arrived yet.

TR (ITALIAN): I will show you to her table, Mr. Noir. (FOOTSTEPS)

GK: It was a nice table in the corner and as I sat there for the next two hours, I imagined Daphne walking over. (FOOTSTEPS)

HM: Hi, Guy. Good to see you.

GK: Good to see you, darling.

HM: I heard about your big news.

GK: Oh yeah?

HM: The Nobel Prize for Physiology. Congratulations.

GK: Yeah, well. You want to order appetizers?

HM: I'm so proud of you.

GK: Well, if it hadn't been me, it would've been somebody else. How about the hummus and artichokes?

HM: But the Nobel Prize in Physiology! That's fantastic.

GK: Well, physiology is my field, darling. Are you hungry?

HM: How much do you get?

GK: I don't know. One and a half million or something like that. You hungry? We could get the meat antipasto and the insalata tricolore----

HM: Guy?

GK: What, darling?

HM: Will you take me to Stockholm with you?

GK: You want to go to Stockholm?

HM: I want to go there with you. The winner of the Nobel Prize.

GK: Sure. I'll take you. How about wine? You want red or white?

HM: Champagne.

GK: Okay. Good. (STING) (BRIDGE) But she didn't come. [ I sat at the table, watching two spiders mate in the corner. Either they were mating or they were trying to kill each other. Or both. The spider female sat in the center of the web and the male came tiptoeing in from the edge and when he got to her, she grabbed him and bit his leg off and he came back. He was very single-minded. Like a lot of men. ]

(ACCORDION)

SS (FRENCH): Pardon me, sir.

GK: Yes?

SS (FRENCH): I am playing requests. Do you have any requests?

GK: Oh, I have many many requests.

SS (FRENCH): Would you like me to sing "La Bamba"?

GK: No.

SS (FRENCH): "Somewhere Over The Rainbow"?

GK: No, thanks.

SS (FRENCH): La Vie en Rose?

GK: Please no. Just sing whatever you want to sing.

SS (FRENCH): Very well.

(ACCORDION INTRO)

Love, your magic spell is everywhere
Yet I call you and you are not there
Come here is my heart, my soul to mate
Make me forget the voice that whispers "wait"-----

GK: Here. Here's a five.

SS (FRENCH): For that song, I usually get ten. Maybe fifteen.

GK: Five is enough. Thanks.

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.

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