The Fitzgerald Theater
Saint Paul, MN
The Lives of the Cowboys
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Wild Bill Brand Inflatable Doughnut for your saddle.....so a day on the trail ain't so hard on your tail -------And now let's join Dusty and Lefty for today's exciting adventure.... (HORSES WALKING)
GK: Well, here we are in town, Dusty. What town is it?
TR: On the map it says Eldorado but the sign says Mud Hole.
GK: Guess they changed their minds. Well, anyway here's the saloon. Guess we may as well go in. Whoa, whoa. (HORSES WHINNY AND STOP) (THEY DISMOUNT, FOOTSTEPS) So your old girlfriend Lola still around here?
TR: Hope so.
GK: If she is, I reckon I won't be seeing much of you, huh?
TR: You're right about that.
GK: Okay. Well, whatever you do, don't marry her.
TR: Thanks for the advice. (DOOR OPEN, PIANO CAMPTOWN RACES) (FOOTSTEPS, SLOW) Well, lookit over there. Longside the bar.
GK: It's her.
TR: Sure is.
GK: She's looking right at you.
TR: Good-looking woman.
GK: Hey Piano Player.
RD: You got a request, put a buck in the tip jar and I'll think about it. But if it's Chopin you want to hear, I'm sick of playing Chopin.
GK: You're not sick of Camptown Races?
RD: Is that what I was playing?
GK: Camptown Races.
RD: I thought it was the Moonlight Sonata. (HE PLAYS FROM MOONLIGHT SONATA)
GK: That's the Moonlight Sonata.
RD: No, it's not. This is the Moonlight Sonata. (HE PLAYS A LITTLE DEEP PURPLE)
GK: That's Deep Purple. What's the matter with you?
RD: I'm deaf.
GK: If you're deaf, how can you understand me?
RD: Because everything you say, I've heard it before.
HM: Hi Dusty.
HM: It's good to see you, Handsome.
TR: You're a sight for sore eyes, baby.
HM: Come on upstairs.
TR: Okay, don't mind if I do.
GK: Not to interfere in your personal business but why does a beautiful woman like you hang out with an old saddlebum like him?
HM: Because he is so grateful, that's why.
TR: See you later, Lefty.
GK: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS OFF)
SS: So what brings you to our town, Mister.
GK: Just followed the canyon up from the river bed.
SS: That ain't a canyon. It's an arroyo.
SS: Not big enough to be a canyon.
GK: I only saw a little of it.
SS: And was it big and wide?
GK: Not really.
TR (DRAWL): I believe the word you're looking for is gulch. Or coulee.
SS: It's an arroyo, Dark Bob. You know that.
TR (DRAWL): Gulch.
GK: Not a vale or a ravine?
SS: This is the west.
GK: Maybe a gorge.
TR (DRAWL): You're not from around here, are you---
GK: Or a hollow.
TR (DRAWL): Hollow?
GK: Or gully.
TR (DRAWL): Well by gully, I don't think you know nothing about gulches.
SS: It's an arroyo, Dark Bob ---
TR (DRAWL): You're a woman, Rhoda.
GK: Could also be a defile or a notch.
TR (DRAWL): You watch your language, Mister. Who are you talking about defiling?
GK: Defile means a valley or gulch.
TR (DRAWL): I got a big handful of pistol here says you'd better take your defiling elsewhere.
GK: Mister, I say— Never get in a fight with anybody you don't have to. But when somebody starts something, you finish it for him.
TR (DRAWL): Well, I think Mud Hole would a nicer place if you left town on the noon train.
GK: You talking to me?
TR (DRAWL): I don't see nobody else standing there.
GK: I don't see that it's any of your business whether I leave Mud Hole or not, Mister.
TR (DRAWL): Well, I might just make it my business. (TRAIN WHISTLE, OFF) Why there is the noon train right now, coming in from up the gulch. Best head for the station now, mister.
GK: That's not the train.
TR (DRAWL): It sure is. (WHISTLE)
GK: Where do you see a train?
TR (DRAWL): I hear it. Coming down the tracks.
GK: That's not a train. It's a sound effects man making that sound.
TR (DRAWL): That's the noon train.
GK: It's a sound effects man.
TR (DRAWL): Noon train.
GK: Go ahead. Look. Point at it.
TR (DRAWL): Okay, Smart Pants. It's right over (KONK, TR ARGHHH, FALL OF BODY)-----
SS: You best leave before Dark Bob wakes up, mister—
GK: I'm planning to soon as my partner---- oh here he comes now. (FOOTSTEPS) What's wrong?
TR: We broke up.
GK: How could you break up? You only been up there five minutes!!
TR: I referred to her bodice and she thought I was talking dirty.
GK: Well, we'll come back in half a year, see if she doesn't forgive you by then. ----- Tell Mr. Dark Bob that we rode down the canyon, okay?
SS: Okay, but he isn't going to like it.
GK: Here's a dollar, Piano Man. Play me some "Streets of Laredo," okay?
RD: Okay. (HE PLAYS CHOPIN)
(FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) (FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Where's the sound effects man who did the train whistle?
GK: Over there behind that tree.
TR: What you taking your pistol out for?
GK: Gonna try to shoot him.
TR: You can't shoot a sound effects man.
GK: Why not?
TR: Think about it for a minute. You shoot him and you'll never be able to use your gun again.
GK: Aha. Of course. I wasn't thinking. ----Never mind! We're...
Riding down the canyon
Just to see the sun go down—
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys.......brought to you by Wild Bill Brand Pneumatic Saddle....it's inflated. (THEME OUT)
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).