Crime, February 18, 2012

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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Crime

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(BIG THEME)

TR: And now----- another exciting true story of very nice people who commit felonies.....on.....CRIME IN MINNESOTA.

(DOOR OPENS, JINGLE, FOOTSTEPS)

SS: Good afternoon. May I help you?

GK: Yes, I don't mean to interrupt what you're doing-----I know you're busy and you have a lot of customers this morning------

SS: It's all right.

GK: I mean, if you want to continue counting that money, it's all right-----

SS: It's okay. I'm all finished. How can I help?

GK: I'm just wondering if you could take all of that money and also the money in the drawer and put it in this bag, please. No rush. Take your time.

SS: Excuse me?

GK: Sorry to bother you, but if you could just open the register, take out all the money and also the stack of hundreds you were counting, and place it into this bag right here, that would be great. Thanks in advance.

(A BEAT)

SS: I don't mean to cause problems, but I do think I should point out that bank robbery draws a pretty hefty prison sentence in this state.

(A BEAT)

GK: I appreciate your concern. I really do. But I'm going to go ahead with it. So-----

SS: Okay, did you bring a bag?

GK: I did. Recycled.

SS: Okay. Good. I don't think you want the ones and fives, do you. Or the tens. Oh-oh. —

GK: What?

SS: I accidentally stepped on this emergency floor pedal that locks up everything. I am so sorry.

GK: The floor pedal that you'd use in the case of a bank robbery.

SS: Yes, but I can get a manager over here to unlock it. It'll only take a minute.

GK: I'm bothering you, aren't I.

SS: No, you're not, really.

GK: I am. I am really sorry about this. You're probably just about to go to lunch with your friends and here I walk in to rob the bank and then when I leave, you're going to have to spend your whole lunch hour talking to detectives and looking at mug shots and trying to pick out mine and ----- I apologize for this. I really do.

SS: No, it's okay. Really.

GK: And you're probably thinking that I'm some sort of drug addict or some habitual criminal or something and believe me, I'm not. This is the first time I ever did this .

SS: I believe you. I really do.

GK: I am a father. I'm a church member. I am not a criminal.

SS: I'm sure you're not.

GK: It's this whole mortgage situation. I am underwater on a home loan and I have a balloon payment of ten grand that's due this week and that's the situation I'm in. Okay?

SS: No, I hear you. I hear you. (FOOTSTEPS) Oh, here's Mark. He's our manager.

TR: Hiya! What's shakn' bacon?

SS: Mark, this gentleman wants me all the money in my cash drawer , and I accidentally ------ stepped on the lock mechanism and now I can't get the cash drawer open. You have the key?

TR: Oh gosh. I don't think I do. Can I get you a cup of coffee, sir?

GK: Listen, I can come back. Not a problem.

TR: No no no, no need to do that. Would a couple hundred bucks do you?

GK: I need ten thousand. I'm sorry.

SS: Would you mind if I step away for a minute, Mister----

GK: Olson. Mark Olson.

SS: I need to take a pill. I take pills for blood pressure. It's in my purse. Back in the staff lounge.

GK: I hope I haven't elevated your blood pressure.

SS: Not at all.

TR: I could give you a thousand in rolls of quarters and you can be on your way and call it a day.

GK: I really really need the ten grand. It's for a balloon payment on a home mortgage that I owe to this bank and I got this sort of hostile letter from your president about foreclosure and I understand completely that the bank wants its money and that's why I need the ten thousand ------

TR: You know, it's not that I don't understand ---- I do ----- and I sympathize ------ what is that?

GK: It's not a real gun. Okay? It's a water pistol. Probably on your security camera, this looks pretty real and so you could plausibly say that you gave me the ten thousand dollars at gun point. What do you say?

TR: Well, I see your point. I'm going to have to go get the key to the cash drawer though. Okay?

GK: Okay, but no funny business, okay?

TR: It's okay. It's okay. Just stay there. I'll be right back. You sure I can't get you a cup of coffee??

GK: I'm sure. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY) (GK HUMS TO HIMSELF. FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

SS (COP): Mr. Olson?

GK: Yes?

SS (COP): I'm Sergeant Stimmler, Maple Grove Police Department. I'm going to have to ask you to come with me and sit in my car and let's talk about this, okay?

GK: You're going to arrest me, aren't you? I'm going to be perp-walked in front of the press and it'll be in the papers tomorrow and my kids will be harassed at school and my name will be mud in this town for years to come-----

SS (COP): Please. I am not that kind of person. We're going to take you in an unmarked car down to City Hall ----- through the underground garage ------ and the arraignment will be completely private ------ you'll put up bail ------ we'll put an electronic ankle bracelet on you that is very small, not noticeable at all -----

GK: Will I still be able to go to the gym?

SS (COP): If you wear socks, of course.

GK: Thank you.

SS (COP): You're welcome.

GK: Could you give me a minute to apologize to the teller and the manager for the trouble I caused?

SS (COP): Just write them a note.

GK: Okay.

(THEME)

TR: Mr. Olson was arraigned, released on his own recognizance, and at his trial, he was sentenced to three months chaperoning a group of middle-schoolers on a trip to Peru. He never robbed a bank again. A true story of ----- CRIME IN MINNESOTA.

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