Rhubarb, February 25, 2012

Duluth Entertainment Convention Center

Duluth, MN


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Rhubarb

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GK: So you graduate from college with a degree in film studies and you make a movie. It took you 15 years, during which you worked in a video store and lived in your parents' garage but you made a movie, a low-budget horror movie called WINTER IN DULUTH.

(ORGAN LOW, UNDER)

SS: Be careful, Todd, the hill is so steep and you're going so fast.

TR: I know what I'm doing. I've lived in Duluth all my life.

SS: The car is sliding, Todd!

TR: Don't worry about it!!

SS: We're out of control. (CRASH, CRUNCH) Todd??? Todd???? Oh dear. You hit your head.

TR (WEREWOLF): (GRUNTS)

SS: Todd---- your eyes are red. And your face, it's covered with hair.

TR (WEREWOLF): Haven't you ever met a man from Duluth before?

(SHOCK CHORDS)

GK: A cheapo movie but it gets great reviews, and it's nominated for Best Screenplay and you're going to the Oscars! (STING) The Oscars! (STING) This is the big time! Your big chance!

TR: Four years ago I was mowing lawns. And now----- I've got a tuxedo and a starched white shirt and my shoes are shined so I can look up women's dresses. Wow.

GK: And you fly to L.A. ----- first class! (JET TAKEOFF)

SS: Will you be having the filet mignon with truffle sauce or the swordfish filet, sir? And for wine, we have a 1988 Pouilly Fuisse ---- or (SHE FADES)

GK: And you stay in a very exclusive hotel called the (TR FRENCH)----- And you go to the Academy Awards (CROWD AMBIENCE) and you walk through the lobby and there's Jack Nicholson—

TR (JACK): Is my fly down? Can anyone see? Yes? Thank you.

GK: And Russell Crowe.

TR (RUSSELL): What are you looking at, mate? Huh?

GK: And they seat you in row 41, next to a silent film star named Florence Fontaine.

SS (OLD): Would you mind reaching down in back and pulling up my girdle? Boy, it's tight. I feel like a bratwurst being eaten by a python.

GK: And you sit there and you watch people win award after award—

FN (WEEPING): I want to thank my parents.... and my agent....my manager......my publicist... and my dog...and my dog's publicist.

SS (WEEPING): This doesn't belong to me. This belongs to so many people. My family. My friends. My crew. And all you little people out there in the dark. (BREAKS DOWN) I owe everything to you...

GK: And then it's time. Best Screenplay. And Anthony Hopkins is opening the envelope—

FN (BRIT): And the winner for best picture is--- (OPENS ENVELOPE, WHICH TAKES A LONG TIME) WINTER IN DULUTH! Lyle Lohendahl!

(APPLAUSE, MUSIC RISES, OFF)

TR: It's me! I won! (POUNDING HEART)

GK: And you walk in a daze up to the podium--- this is the moment! And Anthony Hopkins hands you the statuette----

FN (BRIT): What a piece of horse hockey that was.

GK: And you turn and face the audience (APPLAUSE DIES DOWN)--- and your mind goes blank.

(A BEAT)

TR: (ON MIC) Um. (A BEAT) Um.

GK: Everybody's staring at you. You wrote a speech and you memorized it. What was it?

TR: So. Here we are. Heh heh heh heh heh. What can I say? I mean, what can I say?

GK: Your mind's a blank. And everybody's staring at you. (HEARTBEAT) You're a deer in headlights. And then-----out of the dim recesses of your memory.

TR (SLOWLY): On my honor, I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight.

GK: And then the music comes up. (MUSIC) And it's time to go. It's over. That was your moment. (SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE) You look at the audience and nobody is looking at you and smiling. And you wander off-stage (SS: THIS WAY, SIR) and suddenly you're on the street (SFX, TRAFFIC) and your limo is not there. (FN: Who? Lyle Lohendahl! Huh uh.) And you didn't bring money for a cab. And you left your cellphone at your seat. And what was the name of your hotel?

TR: (TRYING TO REMEMBER FRENCH NAME)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie and rhubarb pie filling.

(RHUBARB SONG)

But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

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