GK: Our sound-effects man Fred Newman is back with us after a two-month walkout by the Brotherhood of International Sound Effects Providers (BISEP) and we're glad to have him back.
FN: It was not a walkout. It was a lockout.
GK: The sound-effects union is made up of three people, two men and one woman, and they have a stranglehold on radio drama in this country.....
FN: All we wanted were some decent work rules.
GK: So we had to hire replacements.
GK: We found a number of 13-year-old boys who were very interested in sound effects.
GK: And I did some myself.
FN: Oh boy.
GK: Gunshots. Not so hard to do. (GK SFX) What's the problem?
FN: What was that? Somebody blowing his nose? This is what a gunshot sounds like. (SFX) Here's a shotgun (SFX). And this is a ricochet. (SFX) And this is a drive-by shooting (SEMI PASSING, GUNSHOT). This is an Amish drive-by shooting (HORSE HOOVES, GUNSHOT). And this is a radio show host shooting himself in the foot. (FLAT "HELLO, WELCOME TO A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION" GUNSHOT. CRY OF PAIN.)
GK: Anyway the walkout was settled.....
GK: ....and Fred returned to work to find that some changes had taken place here at the show. We've put in a trap door on the stage so that performers who overstay their welcome can be quickly disposed of.
FN: A trapdoor-----
FN: Who operates the trapdoor during the News from Lake Wobegon?
GK: Me. ---- It's a large trapdoor and it opens onto a chute that goes down and they land in a tank of clear gelatin so there's no harm done, and here's how it works. (PIANO GLISS, AND.....)
And now the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend I'll say it clear
I'll state my case of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and every highway
And more, much more than this
I did it (SPRONG) (FALLING) aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (BIG SPLORT) .
GK: So that's new. And that means that we've had to reduce the size of Fred Newman's dressing room.
FN: WHAT???? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
GK: Fred used to have a big dressing room with ping-pong table, steam room, and salad bar, and now Fred will have a dressing room with a chair, a mirror, and a steam iron.
FN: THAT'S IT. I'M OUT OF HERE. (FOOTSTEPS OFF, DOOR SLAM)
GK: Fred has walked off before and it never lasts long so don't worry about it.
(PHONE RING, PICKUP)
FN (ON PHONE, WOMAN): If Fred Newman isn't on your show anymore, I am not giving one more dime to public radio.
GK: I recognize your voice, Fred.
(PHONE RING, PICKUP)
FN (DEEP, ON PHONE): Yeah. Listen. You get Newman back or I'm gonna come down there and break every bone in your body.
GK: Very funny, Fred. Fred, I hope you'll come out of that closet because there is a stink bomb in there and if you don't come out, I'm going to set it off.
FN: HA. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT WITHOUT A SOUND EFFECTS MAN?
GK: The sound of a stink bomb is one that anybody can make, Fred. Believe me. So come out.
FN: I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY IT.
GK: Five. Four. Three. Two. One. (GK SFX HISS)
(DOOR OPEN, STAGGERING FOOTSTEPS. FN COUGHING, GAGGING)
FN: OH MY GOD. THAT'S DISGUSTING. THAT IS ----- (SFX, GAGGING)
GK: Welcome back to the show, Fred. Good to have you. And let's let bygones be bygones.
FN: What's this lever on the floor here?
GK: The walkout is over, it's time to ---(SPRONG, GK FALLING AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII) (SPLORT)
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).