SFX, February 25, 2012

Duluth Entertainment Convention Center

Duluth, MN


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SFX

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GK: Our sound-effects man Fred Newman is back with us after a two-month walkout by the Brotherhood of International Sound Effects Providers (BISEP) and we're glad to have him back.

FN: It was not a walkout. It was a lockout.

GK: The sound-effects union is made up of three people, two men and one woman, and they have a stranglehold on radio drama in this country.....

FN: All we wanted were some decent work rules.

GK: So we had to hire replacements.

FN: Scabs.

GK: We found a number of 13-year-old boys who were very interested in sound effects.

FN: Amateurs.

GK: And I did some myself.

FN: Oh boy.

GK: Gunshots. Not so hard to do. (GK SFX) What's the problem?

FN: What was that? Somebody blowing his nose? This is what a gunshot sounds like. (SFX) Here's a shotgun (SFX). And this is a ricochet. (SFX) And this is a drive-by shooting (SEMI PASSING, GUNSHOT). This is an Amish drive-by shooting (HORSE HOOVES, GUNSHOT). And this is a radio show host shooting himself in the foot. (FLAT "HELLO, WELCOME TO A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION" GUNSHOT. CRY OF PAIN.)

GK: Anyway the walkout was settled.....

FN: Lockout.

GK: ....and Fred returned to work to find that some changes had taken place here at the show. We've put in a trap door on the stage so that performers who overstay their welcome can be quickly disposed of.

FN: A trapdoor-----

GK: Right.

FN: Who operates the trapdoor during the News from Lake Wobegon?

GK: Me. ---- It's a large trapdoor and it opens onto a chute that goes down and they land in a tank of clear gelatin so there's no harm done, and here's how it works. (PIANO GLISS, AND.....)

FN: (SINGS):
And now the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend I'll say it clear
I'll state my case of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and every highway
And more, much more than this
I did it (SPRONG) (FALLING) aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (BIG SPLORT) .

GK: So that's new. And that means that we've had to reduce the size of Fred Newman's dressing room.

FN: WHAT???? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

GK: Fred used to have a big dressing room with ping-pong table, steam room, and salad bar, and now Fred will have a dressing room with a chair, a mirror, and a steam iron.

FN: THAT'S IT. I'M OUT OF HERE. (FOOTSTEPS OFF, DOOR SLAM)

GK: Fred has walked off before and it never lasts long so don't worry about it.

(PHONE RING, PICKUP)

GK: YES?

FN (ON PHONE, WOMAN): If Fred Newman isn't on your show anymore, I am not giving one more dime to public radio.

GK: I recognize your voice, Fred.

(PHONE RING, PICKUP)

GK: Hello.

FN (DEEP, ON PHONE): Yeah. Listen. You get Newman back or I'm gonna come down there and break every bone in your body.

GK: Very funny, Fred. Fred, I hope you'll come out of that closet because there is a stink bomb in there and if you don't come out, I'm going to set it off.

(DOOR OPEN)

FN: HA. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT WITHOUT A SOUND EFFECTS MAN?

(DOOR SLAM)

GK: The sound of a stink bomb is one that anybody can make, Fred. Believe me. So come out.

(DOOR OPEN)

FN: I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY IT.

(DOOR SLAM)

GK: Five. Four. Three. Two. One. (GK SFX HISS)

(THREE BEATS)

(DOOR OPEN, STAGGERING FOOTSTEPS. FN COUGHING, GAGGING)

FN: OH MY GOD. THAT'S DISGUSTING. THAT IS ----- (SFX, GAGGING)

GK: Welcome back to the show, Fred. Good to have you. And let's let bygones be bygones.

FN: What's this lever on the floor here?

GK: The walkout is over, it's time to ---(SPRONG, GK FALLING AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII) (SPLORT)

(BAND PLAYOFF)

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