Wildlife, February 25, 2012

Duluth Entertainment Convention Center

Duluth, MN


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Wildlife

Listen (MP3)

(ORGAN)

TR (ANNC): And now, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow family of automotive products brings you: Dr. Rick Dixon, Wildlife OB/GYN.

(BEAR GROAN)

GK: She's dilated 17 inches and the contractions are a minute apart. Won't be long now. (BEAR STRAIN) ---Forceps, Maureen.

SS: Here you go doctor. (SFX)

GK: Hot water.

SS: I've got it right here.

GK: Towels---

SS: Yes doctor.

GK: Slotted spoon.

SS: Here you go, doctor.

(BEAR MOANS)

GK: Okay, good girl. Doing great.

SS: Doctor?

GK: Yes, Maureen?

SS: Don't you think it's weird that we've got a black bear in a hospital gown, strapped to a delivery plank with her legs up in stirrups?

(A BEAT)

GK: No. Why?

SS: It doesn't strike you as... unnatural maybe?

GK: I don't know what you mean, Maureen. (BIG BEAR GROAN) Here we go— Push big girl, push! (BEAR STRAIN, EXHALE) Good girl. Good job.

SS: Doctor Dixon?

GK: Yes Maureen?

SS: I don't mean to be judgemental or speciesist, and it's certainly none of my business, but----where's the father?

GK: The father?

SS: The baby-daddy.

GK: Oh, he's long gone. The males take off soon after mating. There's no emotional or psychological bond and so he lopes off to find himself another mate and do it again.

SS: Oh my.

GK: Male black bears are not monogamous, Maureen. Th After they copulate, that's it—he's outta there. (BEAR GROAN)

SS: And how do you feel about that, Dr. Dixon? As a male animal. Not as a scientist.

GK: Maureen, I don't know how to separate science from my own personal feelings-----

SS: Try, Doctor. Try. Are you too a solitary male? Is that why you've never married?

GK: Maureen----

SS: Do you not feel the urge to find a female and get all hot and bothered?

GK: Maureen, I have to focus on the job at hand here-----

SS: Can I ask you? Are there male bears who find that they're attracted to other male bears?

GK: I have no idea, Maureen. I'm an OB/GYN-----

SS: Couple of daddies together in a den, nuzzling, giving each other back rubs-----

GK: I wouldn't know about that, Maureen. Let's try to focus here----

SS: Reason I bring it up is that suddenly I feel urges I I've suppressed for years ---- an urge to have a child myself. All I'd need is the right man. A man who's caring, and passionate, financially stable. But if I can't find that man, maybe I'm being too picky. Maybe I should just get it on with Mr. Right Now. Or should I say, Doctor Right Now---

GK: Maureen, we're in the middle of a procedure.

SS: Do female bears ever initiate courtship, Doctor?

GK: I don't know. I've never observed bear courtship.

SS: Does it make you uncomfortable when I touch you like this?

GK: Yes, it does.

(BOING)

GK: OUCH!!! OHHHHH.....

SS: Ohhh. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

GK: Maureen. I can't believe you did that.

SS: I just accidentally plunged the epidural needle into your rear end, Doctor.

GK: I-----I'm feeling numbness in my legs.

SS: I'll help you to the van, Doctor. It's only a little way.

GK: But the bear------Maureen-----

SS: I'll just let her out of the stirrups, Doctor. (BEAR GROAN) There. She'll be fine on her own. (SLOW WALKING THROUGH BRUSH)

GK: I don't know if I can walk, Maureen.

SS: I'll just put my arm around you, Doctor. Keep going. When we get to the van, you can lie down in back and rest. I'll drive us to town and we'll find a motel.

GK: My legs are numb.

SS: It's all right. I'm sure I don't need to tell you this, but the anesthetic contains a wonderful drug that will make you forget this whole experience -----

GK: There's the van there------

SS: I'm sort of rewriting the rules here, but it'll be okay. And now I'm going to stop calling you Doctor, Doctor. I'm going to start calling you Honey. Come on, Honey.

GK: What should I call you?

SS: Call me Angel.

GK: Okay.

SS: Go ahead. Angel.

GK: I'm thinking.

SS: Stop thinking, Honey.

GK: Okay, Angel.

(THEME)

TR: Join us again, when Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow family of automotive products brings you: Dr. Rick Dixon, Wildlife OB/GYN.

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