TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: I was in Milwaukee, the city that makes things, and I was on the case of the Illegal Cheese, big shipments coming in by ore boat from Minnesota. So I was staying at a little motel on the waterfront called The Self-Storage Motel where I could keep an eye on shipping. (BOAT HORN) I had a high-powered cheese detector in my room (ELECTRONIC BEEPS) and I could aim it at a ship and if the cargo was dairy products it sounded an alarm (ELECTRONIC MOO) and I'd chase down to the dock on my Harley (SFX) and see what was what. (HARLEY WINDING DOWN AND STOPPING) Hey---- you got cheese on this boat???
TR (OFF): (GERMAN)
TR (OFF): (GERMAN)
GK: Okay. Thanks. (BRIDGE) I was working for a woman named Tamara Tubbs at the Wisconsin Cheese Council.
SS: Milwaukee is recovering from the recession pretty darned well, Mr. Noir, but we'd like it to be better. And we've noticed a lot more loginess than usual and people coming late to work and not being able to keep up, and we suspect that it's the cheese. Minnesota cheese. You ever meet people from Minnesota? Nice, in their own way, but not the liveliest, if you know what I mean.
GK: So you think the cheese is to blame.
SS: Melted cheese from Minnesota. Cheese soup. There is a connection. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I sat in my motel waiting for boats to come by and watching TV where the Republican presidential candidates were ripping into each other.
TR (ROMNEY): My opponents have now stooped to accusing me of eating broccoli and I want to say this, once and for all ---- you can ask my household staff, the cooks, the colored fellow who waits on table, the housekeepers, any of them ---- I do not touch broccoli. Never have. Never will. And when I'm elected president, the government is not going to force you to eat it either.
GK: Lots of ads running on TV, one right after the other.
(MARCH AND FADE)
SS (ANNC): Pete Moss. A man's man. Other candidates pussyfoot and mollycoddle when it comes to foreigners. Pete Moss says: it's time we get tough.
TR (TEXAS): I am personally sick and tired of the President of the United States flying around the world and visiting heads of state ----- I say, let em come to us. We shouldn't be going to them. My opponent, the one who has earned millions from broccoli farming, has travelled to many foreign countries ----- why? He owes us an answer. (BRIDGE)
GK: I was watching TV down at the Harbor Café and waiting for another shipload of cheese when I noticed a man who was eating an omelet that I noticed had some broccoli in it. Sir-----
GK: Were you aware that they put broccoli in your food there?
TR: Yeah, I asked for some extra. I like broccoli. It's good for you. Everybody knows that.
GK: It's sort of getting bad press though. The Supreme Court seems to be on the verge of voting that the government can't force you to eat it.
TR: Nobody needs to force me to eat it. I like it. And it's good for me.
GK: Noir's my name. Guy Noir.
TR: Yon Yonson here.
GK: You're from Wisconsin.
TR: Yeah, I work in a lumber mill. Used to. Now I'm in marketing.
GK: Uh huh. So what do you make of the Republican primary, sir?
TR: Well, I'm a Republican but I'm a moderate Republican .
GK: A what? You run a laundry in Sheboygan?
TR: A moderate Republican.
GK: You bought a red station wagon?
TR: Mod-er-ate Re-pub-li-can.
GK: I could've sworn I heard you say, moderate Republican.
TR: That's what I said. I was born a moderate Republican, my daddy was a moderate Republican, that I've been a moderate Republican all my life.
GK: We sat and talked. He was a moderate drinker, he said, and his bowling average was about average, and he taught middle school, and he liked his steaks done medium, and -----
TR: I believe in compromise, Mr. Noir. I believe in getting along with other people.
TR: 1. I accept that a big country is going to have a big government, and 2. I accept that there's going to be government regulation and 3. People who are richer are going to pay more in taxes.
GK: Wow. Not many of you guys around anymore.
TR: There are, actually ---- but we're in the closet. Or as we Boston Republicans would say, we're in the boat locker.
GK: You're from Boston----
TR: Used to be one of Governor Romney's advisors.
GK: Did you get a chance to run into him here?
TR: He didn't remember me.
TR: He didn't seem to recall having been governor of Massachusetts.
GK: Well, he's a busy man, I suppose he can't think of everything. So you're kind of invisible in this election-----
TR: That's the truth. Look at this. (SIX GUNSHOTS, RICHOCHETS, GLASS BREAKAGE) ----- Listen, people. I don't go along with alll what's going on in the Republican party. I'm a Republican and these people don't speak for me. I'm a moderate.
SS: A WHAT????
TR: I'm a moderate Republican. Empty your cash drawer into this paper sack or I'll shoot.
SS: Oh get out of here.
TR: I mean it, lady.
SS: What is this? A joke?
FN (IRISH): Something wrong, Emily?
SS: No, Lieutenant. It's just a moderate Republican shooting off his pistol.
FN: Ha! Come on, fella. Move along. We've got no time for your shenanigans. (BRIDGE)
GK: I get your point, Mr. Yonson.
TR: A moderate Republican can't even get arrested these days.
GK: Take it easy, sir. Everything's going to turn out okay. (BRIDGE) I looked over at the TV and there was another commercial.
TR (NEWT): When I am elected president, first thing I'll do is to get government off of our backs and get rid of these child labor laws. What is the problem with paying small children to do factory work assembling parts that require smaller fingers? Instead of shipping those jobs over to Asia to be filled by small Asian people, our own children can do the work. If we'll only let them.
GK: It was my cheese alarm. In my pocket. I'd forgotten to turn it off. So I headed back to the docks. A big ship had pulled up while I was eating lunch. ---- Hey there!
GK: You carrying cheese??
FN: Nope. We're carrying six hundred and eighty tons of hummingbirds.
GK: Six hundred and eighty tons. Your boat is riding pretty high in the water for carrying that heavy a cargo. FN: I just have to make sure to keep em flying around down there. (BWANGGGG)
GK: What you hauling hummingbirds for?
FN: For lift.
FN: If I can get all those hummingbirds flying at once, I can lift this ship right over this dock and onto that canal there.
GK: Really---- you've tried this?
FN: I haven't tried it but I believe it can work.
GK: You sound like a Democrat to me.
FN: Darned right. (BWANGGG) C'mon you hummers. Up. Git up! (BWANG)
SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).