Meat, April 14, 2012

The Town Hall

New York, NY

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Listen (MP3)


GK:....after this message from Big Red No. 1 Wholesale Meat.

TR (FRED FERRELL): Hi, Fred Ferrell here for Big Red No. 1 Wholesale Meat. If you're feeling pale and moody and sensitive, chances are you're not getting the red meat you need. People are switching to fish or chicken ----- what's all that about? Ever meet a chicken? Ever look a fish in the eye? You need red meat for vitality and that means protein and you're not going to find it in lentils. No sir. (BIG TRUCK BACKING) At Big Red No. 1 Wholesale Meat, we bring in a truckload of fresh meat every morning and you come and buy it right off the truck. Fresh from the farm to you. And we carve it up right in front of you.

FN: Gimme a chuck and a flank and a shank and a butt.


SS (DEEP): Gimme a rump roast and a rack of ribs and a shoulder and a butt and a chuck.


SS (DEEP): And a shoulder.

TR: SHOULDER. (CHAINSAW) Before you spend money on a bunch of antidepressants, why not try a meat shake and see if you don't feel better. (BLENDER) Toss in a flank (SFX) and a shank (SFX) and a shoulder (SFX) and suck it up like a smoothie. (STRAW SFX, CHUNKS) Chicken? You wanna eat a bird? Please. Fish? You ever visit a fish farm? You see the water they swim in. No, beef is what you want. Yeah? What you want?

GK: Gimme a tenderloin.

TR: A tenderloin?

GK: Yeah.

TR: That's all? A tenderloin?

GK: Tenderloin.

TR: We got shanks and flanks and chucks and butts and ribs, got shoulders and necks.

GK: Just a tenderloin. And a knuckle.

TR: You want a knuckle, I'll give you four of them, kapow. Meat is the answer. Try a two-pound burger pattie (SLAP) sandwiched between two pieces of sirloin (SLAP SLAP): a meat-on-meat sandwich. See if it doesn't make you feel better. Vegan is fine for some people. (LAMB) Like him. But for others---- (LION) you want meat. Yeah?

SS (DEEP): I need a shank, a neck, a butt, a tongue, some tripe, and a couple testes.

TR: TONGUE, TRIPE, AND A COUPLE OYSTERS. (HAND SAW) Every morning (TRUCK BACKING) we bring it in, sell it right off the truck. Beef. That's the one to count on. Isn't that right?

FN: That's right. (MUSCULAR PIANO) (SINGS)

When you're feeling weak and pallid,
You need more than a salad.
From vegans, Lord, deliver us
We who are carnivorous.

TR: A message from Big Red No. 1 Wholesale Meat.

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