Mom, April 21, 2012

Ryman Auditorium

Nashville, TN


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Mom

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(PHONE RINGS, 3X)

GK: Hello?

SS: Duane? Honey it's me.

GK: Hi mom.

SS: Your mother.

GK: Yes, I got that.

SS: Honey I don't wanna take up too much of your time. I know how busy you are these days with all those little projects that you do. I don't want to interrupt your "flow".

GK: It's okay mom, I was just getting out of the shower.
I just got back from a walk.

SS: Well good. Are you alone? Not that it's any of my business.

GK: You're right, it's not.

SS: So you aren't alone.

GK: Did you call about something?

SS: Anyway anyway honey I was just sitting here reading the paper and I thought—I bet Duane forgot to do his taxes.

GK: I did them, Mom. Done. Mailed them on Monday.

SS: You don't need us to send you money, do you?

GK: No mom.

SS: It's okay if you do. I'll just pop a check in the mail. Not a problem. I just have to find the stamps.

GK: Mom, don't send me money, okay—

SS (OFF): Hank! Hank! (TR, OFF) Where are the stamps, Hank? (TR, OFF) The stamps for letters. For the post office (TR, OFF).

GK: Mom. I'm dripping wet, here.

SS (OFF): Look on the bulletin board. (TR, OFF) Well try the junk drawer, gosh I don't know (ON) Honey, are you still there?

GK: Don't send me money, mom. I'm waiting for a check, okay? A check for $4000. It might come today.

SS: $4,000?! Who's sending you $4,000?

GK: A publisher, mom. It's okay.

SS: Oh, a publisher. For a book?

GK: Yes.

SS: You published a book and you didn't tell us? Duane?

GK: It isn't out yet.

SS: Why wouldn't you tell me, Duane? I am your mother. You have a book coming out and I don't even know about it? Think how that makes me look. My own son, a published author, and I'm the last to know. What's the name of it?

GK: It's called Wisdom of the Mother.

(A BEAT)

SS: That's the title.

GK: Right. Tentative working title.

SS: Uh huh. Okay. (A BEAT) Duane, is this something I ought to read?

GK: It's up to you.

SS: Or should I just jump off a bridge?

GK: It's a humorous book, Mom.

SS: Oh, right. Humorous. To you, I'm sure.

GK: Can I call you back, Mom? I'm standing here wet and naked-----

SS: Well, I saw you wet and naked once. After 23 hours of excruciating labor that I wouldn't wish on a war criminal.

GK: Mom-----

SS: Twenty-three hours of agony and the nurse didn't know how to do the epidural and your father was off fishing somewhere and the doctor in there fishing around with that clamp— I wanted to die, Duane, I did. And now what is my reward? A book that holds me up for public ridicule.

GK: It's not that bad, mom.

SS: When is Mother's Day, anyway? Remind me to sit in the dark and bang my head against the wall. (SOBS, SNIFFLES) I'm fine, I'm fine.

GK: Mom.

SS: Anyway---- I know, I know---- I'm taking up your time----- never mind-----I'll get over it. Take a pill or something. ----- So------- Are we going to get to meet her, Duane?

GK: Meet who?

SS: The girl who's standing naked there next to you.

GK: There is no naked girl next to me.

SS: So she has a bathrobe on?

GK: No, Mom.

SS: A towel??

GK: There's nobody here but me. I'm alone, Mom. Alone, and naked. And cold.

SS: Here Duane, talk to your father. Just think about it. I gotta go look for the stamps.

GK: Mom.

SS: Here he is Duane. Here's your father. (TR, OFF) Did you look on the little walnut table? (TR, OFF) Okay, chestnut, whatever, here's Duane. Take the phone, Hank. He's in a big rush. (FUMBLING)

TR: Hello.

GK: Hi dad.

TR: Hi. What's going on?

GK: I was just getting out of the shower, and mom called, so.

TR: Oh. Good. (A BEAT) I didn't shower today.

GK: You didn't?

TR: Nope. Not yet anyway.

(A BEAT)

GK: You plan to take a shower later?

TR: Maybe. Might do it tonight. Mix things up a bit.

GK: Sounds good.

(A BEAT)

TR: Well I'll give you back to your mother.

GK: Okay dad. Nice talking to you.

TR: You too. Here she is.

SS (OFF): Duane? Are you there? Still Standing there naked?

GK: I put on a pair of pants.

SS: Well honey I'm so sorry. I won't take up more of your time. But I'm sending you the money.

GK: Mom.

SS: Don't sign the publisher's contract. Do not.

GK: Mom, I'm a writer. I write what I know.

SS: You can get a job—

GK: Oh, please.

SS: The hospitality industry is doing pretty well, you could learn to be a desk clerk ---- work the night shift, maybe meet somebody.

GK: Don't worry about it, Mom. Okay? It's just a book.

SS: You publish that book and you are going to wind up at Guantanamo, Duane. Guantanamo. Don't think I can't do it. I have ways.

GK: Right. Bye, mom. Thanks for calling.

SS: Okay Duane, bye, love you.

GK: Love you mom.

(HANGUP)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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