Guy Noir, April 28, 2012

Ryman Auditorium

Nashville, TN


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Guy Noir

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GK: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME)

GK: It was April and I was in Nashville enjoying the spring. ---- enjoying the people, the cuisine—

SS: What can I bring you, sweetheart?

GK: Could I have a green salad, dressing on the side?

SS: You want greens? Like turnip greens?

GK: A green salad.

SS: Um, okay. We've got chicken salad.

GK: Just green leafy things, maybe some cucumber, tomato.....

SS: That's all??? We've got chicken, steak, we've got sausage and biscuits and gravy. -----Lurleen? We got any green salad?

FN (LADY): Do we have what?

SS: Green salad. This gentleman would like green salad for lunch, bless his heart.

FN (LADY): We've got a side salad that comes with the entrée. That's real nice.

GK: What's the entrée?

FN (LADY): You can get the chicken fried steak or the steak fried chicken. Or we have the chicken fried pork with steak. Fried steak.

GK: How about just the side salad?

FN (LADY): Sarah Jane, we got any raw salad left? (VOICE OFF) No, she's fried it all up.

SS: I'll bring you a fried salad, darling ---- Oh my, look who's here. (FOOTSTEPS) Miss Bogalusa.

SB : Hi, Mr. Noir. Thanks for meeting me.

GK: Hey, Susie Bogalua. I was reading how you're taking a new direction in your career, going more rock n' roll—

SB: Well, back when I married and started a family, I decided to do songs about nutrition and making good life choices and ---- you know ----- songs like---- (SINGS, STRUMS):

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I gave up whiskey, vodka, gin and beer and wine
I set my treadmill on a slight incline
Because you're mine
I walk the line.

GK: Quite an innovation.

SB: I wanted my songs to be good for people and help them live better lives. Songs like (SHE SINGS, STRUMS)

Caffeine, caffeine, caffeine, caffeine.
I'm begging of you please don't kill my man
Caffeine, caffeine, caffeine, caffeine
I'm trying to throw away that coffee can.

GK: I wasn't aware that you were singing songs like that.

SB : Neither was anybody else. Did you hear my album "Lonesome Tonight"?

GK: No.

SB (SINGS)
Are you lonesome tonight? Have you tried Atavan?
Or maybe you ought to try Xanax?
When you feel sad and lost --- it might have been caused
By eating food that's not organic?

Do you wish you were in a recovery group?
Are you getting good sleep? Are you able to poop?
Are you feeling a chill? Should you go take a pill?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight.

GK: I'm sure that helped a lot of people.

SB: Nobody bought the record. So I'm going in a different direction. I don't want to be a mommy singer anymore. I want to be dangerous. An outlaw.

GK: So how can I help, Miss Bogalusa?

SB: I want you to show me how to shoot a gun.

GK: Why do you need to know?

SB: Listen.

GK: Okay, but don't point that gun at me.

SB: Sorry. (SHE SINGS, STRUMS)

I'm going to stick up convenience stores
Stick up convenience stores
Stick up convenience stores
There's one right over there.

Hey here's a paper sack
Empty your cash drawer
Give me all your twenties
And lie face down on the floor
No I don't have my period
I don't have PMS
But If you're wondering if I'd shoot you
Well, the answer, sir, is yes.

So what do I do now?

GK: Here, give me the gun, I'll show you.

SB: There. You got it?

GK: No, here----- let me (GUNSHOT). Oh boy. Look what you went and did.

SB: Me??? I didn't do it. You shot yourself.

GK: It's your gun.

SB: I'm out of here. Bye. (DOOR CLOSE, GK WINCE)

(DIALS PHONE, RINGS, PICKUP)

SS (ROBOT): Hello. Welcome to the 9-1-1 automated assistance hotline. This call may be monitored for quality assurance. Your call is important to us. To help us better assist your call, please tell us what you're calling about. For example, if your appendix has burst, say, "appendix". If you are having a heart attack, say, "heart attack".

GK: I've been shot.

SS (ROBOT): Okay. I heard, "shot". Is this correct? Say yes or no.

GK: Yes.

SS (ROBOT): Okay. You want a shot. Is this for tetanus, chickenpox, shingles, HPV—

GK: Gunshot.

(A BEAT, ROBOT SOUNDS)

SS (ROBOT): You said gunshot. Have you been shot with a firearm?

GK: Yes.

SS (ROBOT): A rifle or a pistol? Or a semi------?

GK: Pistol.

SS (ROBOT): Okay. You said pistol. Where is your gunshot wound located? If it's in your chest, say "chest". If it's in your leg, say—

GK: In the foot.

SS (ROBOT): Great. I heard "foot". You have a gunshot wound in your foot inflicted by a pistol. Is this correct? Say yes or—

GK: Yes.

(ROBOT NOISES)

SS (ROBOT): All right. We will switch you to our Emergency Room Care Coordinator. Before we do, would you be interested in hearing about our floral offerings, either fresh cuttings or potted plants------ these flowers-----

GK: No.

SS (ROBOT): Would you like to be visited by a member of the clergy? If so, please say Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Zoroastrian, Hindu, Bahai'i.....

GK: No. I need medical care. I want to live.

SS (ROBOT): I heard you say "live" ---- are you interested in our selection of condominiums and rental properties -----

GK: No. I need the Emergency Room.

SS (ROBOT): Okay. We are now transferring you to our Emergency Room Care. Thank you for calling 9-1-1. But first, would you care to take a few minutes to answer a brief survey about our -----

GK: No.

SS (ROBOT): Fine. Be that way. We are transferring you now. (PAUSE) Thank you for your patience.

FN (SINGING):
---- the end is near, it's time to face the final curtain. My friend, I'll say it clear, you're gonna die, of that I'm certain. You've lived a life that's full, you've gone your way against the current, And now we have to ask....do you have good insurance? (CLICK)

SS (ROBOT): Thank you for your patience. I am transferring you to Emergency Room Care Coordinator now. (BEEPS)

FN (ROBOT): Welcome. I am the Emergency Room Care Coordinator. It is our mission to serve you promptly with whatever kind of health care you require. If this is not an Emergency, please hang up. If this is an Emergency, press one. (BEEP) You have pressed one. If this is an urgent emergency, press two. (BEEP) You have pressed two. To better facilitate your call, please enter your Emergency PIN number.

GK: What?

FN (ROBOT): I heard you say "What". Do you wish me to repeat the instructions?

GK: No!!!---- how do I get a PIN number?

FN (ROBOT): That is correct, please enter your PIN number now.

GK: Look, I'm lying here on the floor bleeding because I've been shot and I have no idea what is going on now, I keep trying to get help------

FN (ROBOT): I hear you express confusion. Are you confused?

GK: Yes.

FN (ROBOT): Very good. I will connect you to a philosopher now. Estimated wait time: four minutes and thirty-five seconds.

GK: I'm bleeding out.

FN (ROBOT): Would you like to wait? ------ I didn't hear you. Would you like to wait? ------- Please indicate by a sigh or a moan that you are still there. For a sigh, press one. For a moan, press two.......Thank you. Goodbye.

GK: That chicken fried chicken sure sounds good now (BEEP)

(THEME)

SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions......Guy Noir, Private Eye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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