(PHONE RINGS, 3X, PICKUP)
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Duane, it's your mother.
GK: Hi mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Just called to say that I'm not going to be home on Sunday, Duane. I've got work to do.
GK: But it's Mothers' Day.
SS (ON PHONE): I'm aware of that but I've adopted a highway, Duane, and I'm going to spend the weekend picking up trash and afterward I'm going to have lunch with my Mothers Group and have egg salad sandwiches and just open up and share our disappointments or whatever. Bitterness. Hurt. Medial problems. Just let it all come out.
GK: Well, okay. If that's what you want.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well. You sound sort of relieved that you don't have to come over to the house and sit and eat my scrambled eggs and have a glass of white wine that I'm sure is hardly up to your standards.
GK: Mom, please------
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Oh, guess what? I got a singing Mother's Day card from your cousin Brian. He sends me one every year. What a wonderful boy. He's out in Seattle, you know. Listen to this, Duane. Just listen. I cry when I hear this---- are you listening?
GK: I'm listening.
SS (ON PHONE): Brian sent me this ----- your cousin. (BEAT)
TR (WILLIE NELSON, SINGS OFF, TINNY): You were always on my mind... you were always on my mind.
SS (SNIFFLING): Isn't that beautiful?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): He just bought his mother a house. He is very successful. Married with four beautiful children. He enclosed a picture. And the oldest, Brianna, wrote me a note. It says, "Dear Grandma....." (WEEPS) I love you a lot and so much. (WEEP) ----- I'm sorry. I shouldn't cry. I know I'm bothering you. ----And I know it's none of my business, but I have to ask. You told me you were dating someone. Someone. That's what you said.
SS (ON PHONE): I have nothing against same-sex marriage, honey. Is there something you want me to know?
GK: Oh for mercy sakes.
SS (ON PHONE): Is that someone with indoor or outdoor plumbing, Duane?
GK: What? Mom, there's nothing to tell you. Listen, Mom, let's get together for brunch tomorrow....
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): No no, Duane, I'll be picking up trash by the side of the road. I don't want to be one of those people who just takes takes takes. That's not me Duane. I'm a mother. I give back. So I'm gonna pick up garbage.
GK: I'm sorry you're so upset.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I'm not upset, Duane. I'm enlightened. Here----- speak to your father for a minute while I blow my nose. (OFF) Hank! Hank! (TR OFF) It's your son. (TR OFF) Because I'm looking for a hanky, that's why. Here. Take it. (FUMBLING)
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Hello.
GK: Hi dad.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): So-----
GK: So tomorrow is Mother's Day.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Yeah. That's what they tell me.
GK: And Mom is going to go pick up trash on the highway?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Guess so.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well, you know your mother.
GK: Let's have brunch with her.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well, I donno. We'll see.
GK: What does that mean?
>TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Don't worry about it.
GK: That's a strategy?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Works for me.
GK: Okay. Whatever.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): That's what I say. (A BEAT) Well I'll give you back to your mother.
GK: Okay dad.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Nice talking to you.
GK: You too. Bye now.
SS (OFF): I'm okay. Leave me alone. (ON) Duane are you still there?
GK: I think so.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I just wanted to say this about Mother's Day, Duane, and then I'll just let it be and go and clean up my highway. Are you aware that you have a big head? A really big head?
GK: What do you mean, Mom?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I remember it from the hospital.
GK: Mom. It was a long time ago.
SS (ON PHONE): Not to me it isn't. Doctor's big hands messing around up in there, and my legs wide open - puttin' on a show for everyone and my God you had a large head. Wow. Just humongous. I was never the same after that.
GK: Sorry mom.
SS: Next time you stand in the shower, Duane, grab hold of your head and think of what I went through just to give you life!
GK: Listen, let's have brunch tomorrow.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): The Schuesslers next door are having brunch today. Fifteen grandchildren and 9 great grandchildren.
GK: Mom. Please.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): They sing, Duane. We can hear them from here. They hold hands and they sing. And they're having a ham. And crescent rolls. Duane?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): (LOSING IT) And they're having strawberries. With cream. And sangria. On a lace tablecloth, Duane. (BREAKS DOWN, SNIFFLES).
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I'm fine. I'm just fine.
GK: I'll see you tomorrow and I'll bring a ham, okay? A ham and a lace tablecloth.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Will you bring that nice sourdough bread your dad likes?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): And some candles?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): And the stuff to make sangria? I'll email you the recipe.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Then I'll see you tomorrow. And Duane?
SS (ON PHONE): Listen.
(TR WILLIE NELSON SINGS, OFF): You were always on my mind... you were always on my mind.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Love you Duane.
GK: Bye mom, love you.
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).