SFX, May 12, 2012

Fox Theatre

Atlanta, GA

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Listen (MP3)

GK: You're a highly-paid machinist in a grommet factory (ASSEMBLY LINE. REPETITION: HISS, CLANK, SQUORT, POP) and you stand at your machine and you turn out precision grommets, and then one day management announces it is moving the plant to Kyrgistan. The world doesn't need precision grommets anymore. Grommets will now be made by peasants crouching around a campfire (FOREIGN GIBBERISH, SHEEP) for a fraction of the price. The factory shuts down (HISS, CLANK, SQUORT, POP, SLOWING REPEAT) and you look for another job ----- making grommets, or making krainises, or making arbuthnots ---- (NO. NO. NO. SORRY.) ----- so you get a part-time job herding goats (SFX) and so you become a house husband ---- (DEEP: "BRAD HUSTON: HOUSE HUSBAND"). Your wife has a good job teaching middle school (SS: Today we're going to talk about clouds and condensation and how rain and hail and sleet are formed ---- Shut up, Sheldon) and so you take over the ordinary household chores. You vacuum (SFX), you run the washer (SFX), the dryer (SFX), the steam iron (SFX), you mop the floors (SFX), you mow the lawn (SFX). But with your technical knowhow, of course, you set out to do things better. You build a faster washer (SFX) a dryer that dries a load of wet sheets in 14 seconds (SFX, FLAME THROWER), and a nuclear vacuum (SFX) that turns household dirt into industrial diamonds (SFX). You build a dishwasher that uses radio waves (SFX).

GK: You buy a big SUV to drive the kids to school (REV) and you treat it like a military operation (Heading Alpha Charlie four-niner six-eight Delta two two four North North East making a left turn at the stoplight, over) and for a couple hours a day you herd goats (SFX). It's okay, you do your best, but there are occasional moments of friction.

SS: Honey, the glasses have some sort of film on them.

FN: Let me look at that. I don't see anything.

SS: Maybe you should wash them by hand.

FN: You're telling me how to wash dishes??

SS: It's only a suggestion.

FN: All you do is criticize. I bust my hump making this house nice for you and all you do is find fault! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. (ANGRY FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SLAM)

GK: And to relax you go out and blow up some tree stumps (THREE BIG EXPLOSIONS). And you get in your Caterpillar (SFX) and you move some dirt around. And you kill a bald eagle with a knife (KNIFE THROW, BIRD SQUAWK) and make yourself an Eagleburger (CHEWING, MMMMM THAT'S DARNED TASTY EAGLE). Your wife suggest anger management therapy.

SS: Maybe it could help. I'm just saying.


GK: So you go to therapy and your therapist is a female dolphin (SFX) ---- a southern dolphin (SFX) ----

FN: I'm frustrated because I feel emasculated by my wife's constant carping. (DOLPHIN SYMPATHY) I don't mind being a homemaker but I need to do it my way. (DOLPHIN AGREEMENT) You think so? Really? (DOLPHIN) But how? (DOLPHIN) Okay. I'll try it.

GK: Next day-----

FN: Honey, you were right. I don't know why I didn't see it before, but I do now. I need to listen to you more often. Thank you.

GK: It's all you need to say to make peace in your home. Memorize those words.

FN: Honey, you were right. I don't know why I didn't see it before, but I do now. I need to listen to you more often. Thank you.

GK: If necessary you can put it on your computer and you just press Control W----

FN (ROBOT): Honey, you were right. I don't know why I didn't see it before, but I do now. I need to listen to you more often. Thank you.

GK: You can buy it set to music.

The things you told me I just tried to ignore
I don't know why I didn't see it before
But suddenly today I saw the light
You were so right, you were so right.

GK: And when you do say it, it's always better if it's accompanied by dessert. Such as a piece of rhubarb pie. When you're wrong and you need to apologize, there's nothing like rhubarb pie.


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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