Guy Noir, June 2, 2012

Koka Booth Amphitheatre

Cary, NC


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Guy Noir

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(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was June, and I was in eastern North Carolina ---- I'd been called down by the Cary Chamber of Commerce because they'd had a huge invasion of people from up north and it didn't feel like home anymore.

FN: I am all for development but I went in Mom's Café this morning for breakfast and the waitress didn't call me Darling. Called me Sir. Tried to strike up a conversation with her and she looked at me like I was some kind of a prevert. (BRIDGE)

GK: So I went down to Mom's and the waitress was not from North Carolina.

SS (TIGHT-LIPPED): What can I get you?

GK: How's the soup today?

SS (TIGHT): Okay. That what you want?

GK: And these barbecue ribs ---- this Carolina barbecue or Georgia?

SS (TIGHT): I donno. I'll ask Raoul.

GK: Raoul? Odd name for a cook.

TR (FRENCH GIBBERISH, INCL WORDS "BARBECUE" AND "CAROLINA" AND "VINEGAR")

GK: There was no country music on the jukebox. (GEO WINSTON PIANO, MUTED) A lot of George Winston. And some Bob Dylan. (TR SINGS DYLAN: People, People who love people.....are the luckiest people in the world) And a love song about a laptop.

FN (SINGS): I got a laptop with great memory
I live my whole life very digitally
I am not worried about a virus or bug
I back it up, I back it up.

GK: And on the counter, the radio was tuned to public radio.

TR (IRA, ON RADIO): This is Ira Glass with today's livestock report. First, the pigs ----- or swine, as some would say. Not I. Pigs were five higher, while sheep were steady to five lower. Barrows and Gilts ----- could somebody explain to me what gilt means in the context of pigs? Numbers 1 and 2 went for 58-62. And Choice slaughter lambs sold at 140. And I know that offends some of you, the slaughter of lambs, but there it is. Fact of life. Live with it. And now here's Ann Taylor with the news.

FN: This is Ann Taylor. The Joe Don Tolbert family spent the weekend visiting with the Boo Wilcoxes and daughter Eva May. Mrs. Wilcox is Joe Don's sister. She and Mr. Wilcox reside in Charlotte. Lunch was macaroni and cheese with rhubarb crumble for dessert. The Ladies Bible Study Circle from Bethesda Methodist met for lunch at the home of Mrs. Persis Canner. Lunch was chicken a la king and the Scripture was from Leviticus 13.

(DOOR OPEN, JINGLES, DOOR CLOSE. SLOW FOOTSTEPS. SEXY SAX)

GK: And then someone came in the door and suddenly I forgot what I was there for. She was tall and slim with big hair and a face that made you feel you were in a movie and just getting to the good part. She moved across the room with the grace of a cat and if I was the sparrow, well, there are worse things than dying at the hands of a beautiful predator. She had been poured into blue jeans that made you believe she was anatomically correct and a black blouse with less fabric in it as you'd find in the average table napkin and she was at the other end of a leash from a dog with an intense look in his eye (DOG PANTING)....Good-looking dog you got.

SS: Oh thank you. He's a very valuable dog. He has the ability to distinguish untruths. He can tell when people are lying. Sometimes the police use him in investigations.

GK: Really. Well, that's wonderful. (DOG GROWL)

SS: He's a little high-strung. Just like me.

GK: Oh?

SS: My name is Durham. Donna Durham. I am upset because I was supposed to meet my date Jim Bob and go to a party tonight and he is half an hour late.

GK: Oh? Where's the party?

SS: Out in the woods, down by the lake. A big beer party.

GK: Wow. I've never been to a beer party before. (DOG GROWL)

SS: And if we want, we could go skinny-dipping in the lake.

GK: You mean "WE" as in you and me? (DOG GROWL)

SS: I meant everybody who is there. We go skinny-dipping all the time.

GK: Well, I could give you a ride out to the woods and you could wait there for Jim Bob to come.

SS: He said he'd meet me here at the Café.

GK: Maybe he forgot. How old is Jim Bob?

SS: Twenty-two. Same as me.

GK: Well, there you are. Probably he changed his mind and he was too shy to tell you--- guys that age don't have the social skills that a guy in his late forties has, believe me. (DOG GROWL)

SS: You look older than late forties.

GK: Part of me is. But my heart isn't. (DOG GROWL) Well, it's not. (DOG BARK) You don't understand metaphors, do you. ----How about a glass of gin? (DOG WOOF) Not you. Her.

SS: I had an aunt who loved gin but whenever she drank gin it would throw her into a tizzy.

GK: Producing tizzies is one thing gin is good for.

SS: I'm just so upset about Jim Bob, I don't think I better have anything to drink.

GK: Well, I hope he shows up. (DOG BARK)

SS: What's wrong with your shoulders? You're all sort of hunched over.

GK: It's nothing. An old war injury. I don't like to talk about it. What do you say we get in my car and head out in the woods and see if maybe Jim Bob is out there?

SS: Oh for pity sakes.

GK: What?

SS: My cellphone was turned off.

GK: What cellphone?

SS: I didn't have my cellphone turned on. Silly me.

GK: What a shame. (DOG BARK)

(CELLPHONE RING)

SS: Hello?? Oh honey---- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you.----- No, darling, I just had my cellphone turned off.---- I'll be there in ten minutes.....Bye. (SHE MAKES SOME KISSES....) Bye bye. ---- Nice meeting you. And thanks for the visit. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY, DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE)

TR (IRA): Slaughter cows mostly steady, feeder cattle mostly steady. Heifers were active and older bulls were lower. Many elderly bulls just sat and didn't go anywhere. Slaughter bulls were uneasy, waiting for the other hoof to drop.

(THEME)

SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)

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