The Lives of the Cowboys
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Big Wrangler Ringtones .......when you're out on the trail and your cellphone rings, you don't want some little bird chirp or ding dong, you want a manly ringtone ----- a Wrangler Ringtone ----- mountain lion (SFX), sidewinder (SNAKE), or gunshot (SFX). And now here's today's exciting western adventure......
(HORSES WHINNY, TROTTING, SLOWING DOWN)
GK: Well, we made it, Dusty.
TR: Appears so.
GK: Took us so long to get here, I forget why we came.
TR: Well, we got on the Oregon Trail and I guess we figured we might as well follow it to the end.
GK: But why?
TR: To see where it winds up.
GK: It winds up in Oregon. Whence the name.
TR: Since whence did you and I ever need a purpose anyways?
GK: Everybody needs a purpose. It just stands to reason.
TR: Never needed one before.
GK: Person has to have a purpose, Dusty, otherwise why are we here?
(PAUSE WHILE HE PONDERS, HORSES TROTTING)
TR: We are here....because.... Whoa...whoa. (HORSES WHINNY, SLOW) Easy, easy. Here's a saloon here. Let's go in and talk about it.
GK: The Golden Moment Saloon. They got plants in there, I see. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN) (FOOTSTEPS)
(PIANO. ARPEGGIATED NEW AGE HAIR SALON "CAMPTOWN RACES")
That tune is sure familiar but I can't think of what it is.
SS: Howdy, welcome to the Golden Moment Saloon. My name is Starflower Moonbright, and what can I get for you?
TR: I'd like a bottle of rotgut whiskey and a glass. No ice.
SS: Could I see your ID?
TR: You gotta be kidding.
SS: Can't serve you without seeing your ID.
TR: How old you have to be to drink in this town?
TR: And you don't think I'm 21?
SS: Sorry, it's our policy. Gotta see an ID.
TR: I don't have one.
GK: We're cowboys, ma'am. Not drivers. Never drove a car in our lives. And you don't need a license to ride a horse.
SS: Then I can't sell you a drink.
TR: Ma'am, you should never stand between a cowboy and his whiskey.
SS: I'm just trying to explain the rules of the establishment to you.
GK: Settle down, Dusty.
TR: Look at me. Do I look like I'm 21?
GK: If you had been in an avalanche and lay unconscious while weasels chewed your face, maybe.
SS: I'm going to have to ask you to leave, mister.
TR: Me??? You're kicking me out of your saloon?
(SLOW FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)
FN (DEEP AND SLOW): When Starflower Moonbright says to get out, then it's time to get out, Stranger.
TR: And who are you?
FN (DEEP AND SLOW): The name is Eugene. I run this town.
TR: What town is this?
GK: So you just run this town by divine right?
FN: Who are you?
GK: Lefty. I'm his pardner.
FN: I run this town because I am the meanest roughest man in a town populated by liberals. All these other people are pacifists. I'm a man who uses his fists. I rassle grizzly bears for the fun of it. I grab rattlesnakes and make em into lampshades. So don't mess with me or you are going to wind up a mess. You want a fight, you're gonna be tangling with Mr. Death & Destruction.
GK: Well, Mr. Death and Destruction, I think I met you before. Were you ever in or around Yellow Gulch, Wyoming?
FN: I ain't sayin.
GK: I believe you used to go by the name of Blackie and you rode with the Moran gang.
FN: So what if I was?
GK: So you moved to a city of gentle craftspeople and radicals. Interesting.
FN: Listen, you slimy no-good two-timing ignorant fleabitten---(CELLPHONE RINGS) Excuse me— (CLICK) Yeah? — (VOICE SOFTENS) Oh, hello, dear.—— Yeah, I was just on my way. — I know I said that but——- No, I'm not at the saloon, I'm in a meeting — Yeah, Darling— I'm listening—— free-trade coffee......a bag of baby spinach .......a pound of garbanzo beans...tofu....and paprika. Okay. Got it. (CLICK)
GK: ...Sounds to me like you got yourself a trail boss, Eugene.
FN: Gimme a drink, Starflower.
SS: Comin' right up, Eugene.
TR: How about me?
FN: Bring me two drinks.
GK: Hey. Remember that bar fight you and me got into once in Big Butte. Remember?
FN: I been in a lot of fights.
GK: What I remember from that fight was that you were extremely ticklish.
FN: Am not.
GK: Are too. Unusual for a big tough guy like you. We were rolling around on the floor kicking and gouging and pinching and I just reached up under there and ----- (FN GIGGLING). Why it's you. Settled down in Eugene with a woman. Huh.
TR: So you marry this girl? Or you just renting?
FN: None of your business.
TR: You married her. I can tell by that hangdog look.
FN: Look. Give me a break. I left that old life behind, started something new. Leave me alone.
TR: After you and Lefty got in that fight, people started calling you Tootsie.
FN: Don't listen to em, Starflower. It ain't true. None of it.
GK: So that's when you left town. They called you Tootsie and you knew you shoulda called em on it but you couldn't because we knew your secret, that if we reached up here under there and tickled---- (FN GIGGLE).
FN: Cut it out.
TR: Well, I'd say we did you a big favor. You used to be greasy and grimy and smell like an old buffalo and your nose hair stuck out like big tusks. Now you look almost civilized.
FN: She got me a job. At the hair salon.
TR: Well, dog my cats.
GK: When'd you learn to cut hair?
FN: I don't cut it. I sit behind a desk and make appointments for people to come in and have their hair cut.
GK: You became a receptionist.
SS: Eugene — I'm ready for you now. Come up and we'll get started. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
TR: Who was that?
FN: I ain't saying.
GK: It was your therapist, wasn't it.
FN: None of your business.
TR: It was your therapist. I could tell. Those earth tone clothes, the soft-soled shoes? The necklace made from bits of wood and pottery? She's your therapist, Tootsie.
FN: You keep your voice down.
TR: You're going to a therapist! You're trying to deal with your ticklishness. Ha!!!
FN: Oh yeah??? You filthy, ignorant —(HE SWINGS, FIST FIGHT, PUNCHES, GROANS, GLASS BREAKAGE, CHAIR IS SWUNG AND WOOD BREAKAGE, FADES UNDER...)
GK: Dusty and Blackie had a knock-down fight that didn't last long. Dusty just reached up under his arm and (FN HELPLESS LAUGHTER) and Blackie lay there on the floor writhing and rolling around, helpless. And then Blackie jumped up and made a run for the men's room (FN PANIC, FAST WALKING, DOOR SLAM).
SS: Tootsie, huh?
GK: Yeah, that was his name.
SS: Never woulda guessed that about Eugene.
GK: You just never had occasion to poke him under the arms.
SS: I guess everyone has their vulnerability, huh?
TR: We're cowboys, ma'am. We don't talk about that stuff. (BRIDGE)
GK: So we rode down the trail back up the Oregon trail the other way. (HORSE HOOVES, WALKING) So we were talking about what is the purpose of life, Dusty?
GK: We are truth tellers, that's what we do. Tell the truth about people. That's why we can never settle in one place.
TR: I was wondering what was our problem.
GK: The town bully has a ticklishness problem. Everything comes back eventually to what it always used to be.
TR: I'll keep that in mind.
GK: The inability to compromise the truth is what makes us unfit for human society.
TR: Well, now you got it all figured out, what you want to do about it.
GK: Just keep riding.
TR: How far?
GK: You'll know when we get there.
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Big Wrangler Ringtones for Cowboys......manly ringtones ----- like a cougar (SFX), a bronco (SFX), or a bullwhip (SFX).
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).