Mom, June 16, 2012

Cuthbert Amphitheater

Eugene, OR


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Mom

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(PHONE RINGS, 3X, PICKUP)

SS (MOM): Hello?

GK: Hi Mom, it's me.

SS (MOM): Duane? Is that you?

GK: How are you?

SS (MOM): Oh my goodness. Honey are you okay? You're not sick, are you?

GK: I'm fine, mom.

SS (MOM): You're not in the hospital, are you?

GK: Mom, I'm fine. Nothing's wrong.

SS (MOM): Well gosh honey you scared the living daylights out of me, calling me up out of nowhere like that. My heart's pounding like a jackrabbit. Hooo.

GK: I just called to see if the thing came for dad.

(A BEAT)

SS (MOM): The thing? What thing?

GK: I sent dad a gift for Father's Day. It should have gotten there yesterday, just wanted to see if you got it, that's all.

(A BEAT)

SS (MOM): That was from you?

GK: I sent a gift, yes, why?

(A BEAT)

SS (MOM): Well I had no idea you were going to do that, what was it?

GK: It was a remote controlled helicopter, why?

SS (MOM): Honey, you should have warned us it was coming. How were we supposed to know?

GK: It was a surprise. My name was on it, mom.

SS (MOM): Well I couldn't see that.

GK: What happened? What did you do with it?

(A BEAT)

SS (MOM): I was all alone, Duane. Your dad was off fishing and I was alone and then a strange man in a brown uniform left something on the doorstep.

GK: It was UPS, mom. That's the uniform.

SS (MOM): Well who knew! I wasn't expecting anything, and then here's this guy with a package and it looked suspicious to me, so I called the cops.

GK: You did what?

SS (MOM): I said, "bring the dogs," and so they did, and the dog sniffed it and he sat down so the bomb squad came over and they blew it up.

GK: What?!!

SS (MOM): The dog sat down, Duane. That's the signal that he sniffs something wrong.

GK: Mom—

SS (MOM): But maybe he was just doing that little scoot scoot thing that dogs do, you know, when they itch?

GK: They blew up the package that said Happy Father's Day, from Duane?

SS (MOM): They vaporized it, yes. There was a SWAT team here and a helicopter overhead and men in black behind the trees and they blocked off the streets and they took me over to the neighbors and made everybody lie facedown on the floor and they blew it up and there were all these wires sticking out and people were sobbing and now they're trying to track down whoever sent it.

GK: That was me. I paid two hundred and seventy five dollars for that, mom.

SS (MOM): Oh well la dee da. Did you get insurance?

GK: No.

SS (MOM): Well, then don't blame me. You should always get insurance, Duane. Always.

GK: Oh for crying out loud.

SS (MOM): Anyway, Homeland Security is looking into it, so don't be surprised if you get a call.

GK: Oh boy.

SS (MOM): They take these threats seriously, you know.

GK: It wasn't a threat. It was a gift.

SS (MOM): Well, it was all wrapped up, so how did we know? It could've been a bomb. It could've been anthrax, or a human hand.

GK: It was wrapped because it was a gift.

SS (MOM): Well, it was suspicious.

(A BEAT, GK SIGH)

GK: You want me to send gifts in saran wrap?

SS (MOM): Now don't get smart with me, Duane.

GK: I'm not getting smart.

SS (MOM): You're blaming me, Duane, and I don't have to take it.

GK: You call the cops every time someone delivers a package to your door??

SS (MOM): I was all alone here, and I don't appreciate your tone.

GK: Mom----

SS (MOM): I'm not going to sit here and listen to you point the finger at me for every bad thing that ever happened in your life. I just won't.

GK: What are you going to do? Call the police?

SS (MOM): Okay, that's it. I am done with you, Duane. I am just done. (OFF) Hank! Hank! (TR OFF) There's someone on the phone for you. (TR OFF) It's a stranger, that's who. (TR OFF)

GK: Mom.

SS (MOM): Just take the phone, Hank, take it. Just take it. I don't want it. Get it away from me.

(FUMBLING)

TR (DAD): Hello.

GK: Hi dad. It's me. Duane. Happy Fathers' Day.

(A BEAT)

TR (DAD): Oh yeah. (A BEAT) Right.

GK: How you doing?

TR (DAD): Not so bad.

GK: Sorry your Father's Day gift got blown up by the bomb squad.

TR (DAD): Oh well. These things happen.

GK: It was a remote controlled helicopter. I thought you'd have fun with it.

TR (DAD): Yeah. Sounds good.

GK: So.

(A BEAT)

TR (DAD): How are you?

GK: I can get you another one—

TR (DAD): Oh, no. That's okay. Better not.

GK: Are you sure?

TR (DAD): Yep. You know your mother.

GK: Yes I do.

TR (DAD): Speaking of which, here she is. I'll give you back to her.

GK: Okay, nice talking to you dad. Happy Fathers' Day.

TR (DAD): Yep. (FUMBLING WITH PHONE)

SS (MOM, OFF): Duane honey? Are you still there?

GK: I'm here, mom.

SS (MOM): Well honey now I feel terrible. It's my fault. I wrecked your gift and you hate me. And I understand.

GK: Mom, I'm over it. Dad doesn't care.

SS (MOM): No, you hate me. I can hear it in your voice. And that's okay. I richly deserve all the contempt you can pile on my plate. So just load it on like a big mountain of mashed potatoes. The mashed potatoes of hate.

GK: Mom, please-----

SS (MOM): An eye for an eye, Duane. So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna strap on a knapsack full of explosives, okay?

GK: Mom.

SS (MOM): I'll get about fifteen sticks of dynamite and on the Fourth of July I'll strap it all to my chest and I'm gonna walk on over to the park and sit down under the oak tree and hook up the detonator to my cellphone, the cellphone that I got so you could always reach me if you're in trouble, the cellphone that only you, Duane, have the number. And I'll wait for you to call up. And when you do—beep beep beep—and it starts to ring—and on the third ring—BOOM. You'll blow me away, Duane. You can light up the sky with a human firework. The fireworks of your mom. (WEEPY) And then you'll be free. Independence Day, Duane. And it's all about you. (SOBS)

GK: Mom.

SS (MOM): What?

GK: Are you finished?

SS (MOM): I'll write you out a check for the helicopter, Duane, if it's my last act in life.

GK: It's okay.

SS (MOM): But before I do it, could we go out for ice cream?

(A BEAT)

GK: Well, I shouldn't. I'm really busy.

SS (MOM): Have a root beer float. Banana Split. Ice Cream Avalanche. Or pistachio. You used to love pistachio.

GK: What time are you coming over?

SS (MOM): Right now. So put your pants on, Duane, cause here comes your mother.

GK: My pants are on, mother.

SS (MOM): Sure they are. I'll be over in three minutes, Duane. Bye, honey, love you!

GK: Love you mom. (HANGUP)

(THEME)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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