Guy Noir, June 23, 2012

Ravina Festival Pavilion

Highland Park, IL


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Guy Noir

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TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME)

GK: It was June, and St. Paul was in the midst of a heat wave. My window A/C was blowing out air only a couple degrees cooler than outdoors and at that rate it was gonna take til October to make the apartment habitable. My landlady Doris was not much help.

SS (DORIS): It's all psychological. Put an icecube in a washcloth, put it on your forehead, it's all you need.

GK: Doris, I'm not going to go around with an icecube on my face.

SS (DORIS): The electric meter in the basement is spinning like a gerbil wheel. The electric bill is gonna put me out on the street.

GK: Well, get a solar-powered air-conditioner then.

SS (DORIS): I'll give you a wind-powered one ---- it's called Open The Window and Feel The Breeze (BRIDGE)

GK: I was sweltering in my room and I suppose it was delusional thinking but I'd gotten a call from Rico in Chicago the day before.

TR (RICO) Listen. I got a deal going, I need your help. All you got to do is stand there and be the lookout.

GK: Lookout for what?

TR (RICO) The F.B.I. Ya see the law, ya fall down and have a heart attack.

GK: What's this about, Rico?

TR (RICO) It's educational. Nothing unsavory. We're helping out parents who want their kids to get into a good college. The academically-challenged children of financially gifted parents.

GK: And you're selling them answers to the admissions test.

TR (RICO) They're desperate. These kids've been playing video games for years, they can't find the United States on a map ---- they won't even get in to the University of Phoenix unless we help.

GK: I don't want any part of this.

TR (RICO) How about 50 grand, Noir ? Huh? Is that something you'd like to be a part of?

GK: I'll have to think about it.

(BRIDGE)

GK: I thought about it on my way to the airport. My conscience was telling me not to.

FN (REVERB): It's dishonest. And it's unfair to the other kids.

GK: Shut up.

FN (REVERB): You won't be able to live with yourself.

GK: You don't know me very well, do you. (BRIDGE) I found a cheap flight to Chi-town. (BRIDGE) And I boarded the plane.

FN (P.A.): This is your pilot speaking. Just want to thank you for choosing Johnny Rigoletto Airline. We'll be taking off for Chicago shortly. First, this important safety announcement.

TR GODFATHER (P.A.): Hello. This is Johnny Rigoletto. Your personal safety is very important to us and that's why our flight attendants are passing through the cabin collecting a $50 safety fee from each of you. It would be a terrible thing if something bad should happen to your safety. Capisce? (BRIDGE)

GK: I flew down to Chicago and got a room at the Vienna Beef Motel, where every room comes with a complimentary hot dog on the pillow. I was supposed to meet Rico at a bar called Tony's so I walked in (JAZZ TRIO, VERY MINIMALISTIC) ---- and I sat down at the bar and waited.

TR: What can I get you?

GK: Whiskey and soda. Hold the whiskey.

TR: Why not just order a soda?

GK: Nostalgia. ----And just then, she walked in. (FOOTSTEPS) She was tall and lean, and her eyes flashed like a warning light on a bridge abutment. She was so beautiful I had to look away lest I throw myself at her feet and never get up.

SB: Oh hi. Do I know you?

GK: Not yet, no. But it wouldn't take long. You're a dancer, aren't you. Ballet?

SB: How'd you know?

GK: I saw the rice cakes in your tote bag. And the bag says Robert Joffrey.

SB: Oh, right. Yeah, I've been pigging out on rice cakes. Say, I wonder if you could help me?

GK: I was just thinking the same thing.

SB: I need some help with my air conditioner. It's so heavy. And so awkward to carry. You've got wonderful legs. Are you a dancer?

GK: When the opportunity presents itself.

SB: Because you lift with the legs, you know---not the back.

GK: Real men lift with their ankles. See?

SB: Oh my!

GK: You look like you're about to faint and like I'm about to catch you in my arms.

SB: I'm just so hot, Mr. Noir. I've been making do by taking lots of cold showers, and using a big rotating fan, and walking around in my underwear, but I'm still hot hot hot.

GK: Uh huh.

SB: It's not healthy to be this hot. I need relief.

GK: Don't we all.

SB: I live just upstairs.

GK: Well, let's go upstairs and take a look.

SB: The air-conditioner's in the basement. In my storage unit.

GK: Okay. And your apartment is upstairs.

SB: On the seventh floor.

GK: So we'll take the elevator.

SB: It's a walk-up. (STING) I hope that's okay----

(A BEAT)

GK: Sure. Why not.

SB (SEXY): Are you sure? (CELLPHONE RING)

GK: Excuse me. (PICK UP) Hello?

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): Guy? Is that you?

GK: Hi Sugar.

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): Guy—I know I shouldn't be calling you, I mean--- we broke up four years three months and fourteen days ago, but ---- you do know what day today is, don't you?

GK: Saturday?

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): Guy----- you big kidder. You know what today is. It's our anniversary. The anniversary of the first time you kissed me.

GK: Oh.

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): So---- you busy tonight?

GK: I don't think so.

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): Because I'm not doing anything either. I thought it might be nice for us to do nothing together.

GK: How about I think about it and I call you back?

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): What's to think about? Are you okay?

GK: Let me check my calendar. I'll call you back.

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): What's going on? Are you with someone else??

GK: I just gotta go Sugar, okay? I gotta go. (HANGUP, SIGH)

SB: Wife?

GK: No. I'm not married.

SB: Girlfriend?

GK: Ex-girlfriend.

SB: Mmmm. Come on, Mr. Noir. You ready to do some heavy lifting?

(BRIDGE)

GK: So I lugged a 200-pound air conditioner up seven flights of stairs, eight counting the basement. (SFX) with Melissa giving me directions the whole way.

SB: A little more to the right. Okay to the left. Yes, that's it, keep coming, yes!

GK: And then we got to the top and I put the thing down (SFX) and she dropped the bomb.

SB: Wow, you brought that all the way up here. My boyfriend will be so impressed. (STING)

GK: Aha. A boyfriend. So he's a quadraplegic then?

SB: No, why? (SHE GETS IT) Oh. Right. No, he's at work. He works all the time, Mr. Noir. I'm tired of it.

GK: Uh huh.

SB: I wonder if you could do one more thing for me.
Go break up with him for me. Please.

GK: Isn't that something you should do yourself?

SB: I've tried, believe me. He won't listen. Please help me. Please?

(BRIDGE)

GK: So I wrestled that a/c unit into the window (SFX), and then I went looking for Melissa's boyfriend. She said he usually hung out in Tony's so I went back down there. (BRIDGE)

GK: I practiced what I'd tell him. "Richard, my name is Guy Noir. I'm a private eye. I'm here on behalf of Melissa. Your girlfriend. She wants to break up with you. She says you don't listen."

TR (RICO) She says I don't what?

GK: You don't listen.

TR (RICO) I don't what?

GK: Listen. Oh. Rico. It's you-----I didn't see you standing there.

TR (RICO) Yeah. It's me. What's this you're saying about me and Melissa?

GK: You have a girlfriend named Melissa?

TR (RICO) Yeah. Right.

GK: Well, she just wanted me to pass that on. That it's over. With you and her. Okay? (CELLPHONE RING) Excuse me. (PICKUP) Yeah.

SS (SUGAR): Guy, it's me again.

GK: Sugar, I can't talk. How about I call you back?

SS (SUGAR): Why don't I meet you right now?

GK: I can't, Sugar.

SS (SUGAR): Sure you can. I miss you.

GK: Where are you?

SS (SUGAR, OFF PHONE, IN PERSON, CLOSE): I'm right here standing behind you.

GK: What are you doing in Chicago?

SS (SUGAR): Who is that woman, Guy?

GK: What woman? Oh. Her. Hi, Melissa.

(FOOTSTEPS)

SB: Guy, I need you to come upstairs and finish what we started---- okay?

SS (SUGAR): Who is she?

TR (RICO) Who do you think you are, Noir? Stealing my woman----

SB: I was never yours, Rico. Never in my heart.

SS (SUGAR): What is she talking about?

TR (RICO) Here's what I'm talking about. (HE SWINGS, KONK) (BRIDGE)

GK: I came to at the Vienna Beef Motel. The maid brought in a fresh hot dog and I ate it and thought things over. I'd lost two girls and two teeth, that's what Chicago did for me, but at the same time I found that there are a lot of women looking for men to install their air conditioners.

FN (WOMAN, ON PHONE): Come over and cool me off, Big Boy.

GK: I could come over in the morning.

FN (WOMAN): How about tonight? Anytime? Midnight is fine. I'll wait up. (SHE SINGS) The night time is the right time. ---- I want you to put it in the window right over my bed, honey. Right there over my bed. Where I can reach up and touch it.

(BRIDGE)

TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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