The Lives of the Cowboys, September 15, 2012

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN

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The Lives of the Cowboys

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SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS. . .brought to you by Wild Bill Brand Skin Moisturizer..... when someone tries to steal your gal and you get into a rip-roaring, eye-gouging, ear-biting, face-scratching fight rolling around in the dirt, chances are you'll come out of it looking less attractive ---- time for Wild Bill Brand Skin Moisturizer. And now here's today's exciting western adventure.


TR: How do you want your eggs?

GK: Where'd you get eggs?

TR: Got em out of a bird nest.

GK: What type of bird?

TR: Buzzard. Sunny-side up or over easy?

GK: You got onions for that?

TR: Got cactus.

GK: Think I'll hold off on breakfast til we come to Yellow Gulch.

TR: What you want to stop in Yellow Gulch for?

GK: Just want someone to talk to.

TR: Oh? Why didn't you say so?

GK: I did. Years ago.

TR: Your old love Evelyn Beebalo still living in Yellow Gulch?

GK: I donno. She may well have moved on by now.

TR: Still carrying a torch for her, aren't you. Why'd you ever bust up with her?

GK: I worshipped the ground she walked on ---- every day was like a miracle ---- and then I thought to myself, It is never gonna get better than this. It can only go downhill from here and that is going to be painful and why not just end it right here and now rather than prolong it. So I rode out of town and that was that.

TR: Makes sense to me.

GK: See you later, amigo. (BRIDGE, HORSE HOOVES TROTTING) Giddup. This is the hard part. Having to explain where I have been for the past five years. Women like to know these things. I could use a good story right now. (HORSE TROTTING)

DR: Hey you. On the horse.

GK: Whoa. Whoa. (HORSE WHINNY, STOP) Who? Me?

DR: You. The one my gun is pointing at.

GK: What's the problem, mister?

DR: What you come looking for in Yellow Gulch?? Trouble?

GK: I come looking for a beautiful woman by the name of Evelyn Beebalo.

DR: Evelyn Beebalo!

GK: You know her?

DR: She used to be our town librarian.

GK: Used to be?

DR: She was a lover of books and then one day she read one of them and decided to find a more lucrative profession. You'll find her down at the saloon.

GK: The saloon

DR: That's what I said.

GK: Doing what?

DR: You're a bright boy. You figure it out.




GK: You the bartender?

TR (BARKEEP): You see this bar I am standing behind?

GK: Yes.

TR (BARKEEP): You see this white apron?

GK: Yeah.

TR (BARKEEP): You see the scars on my face and the busted nose and the cauliflower ears that I got from all the times I had to come vaulting over the bar and throw guys out into the street and sometimes they'd come back roaring drunk and I'd have to throw them out again?

GK: Yeah, I see that.

TR (BARKEEP): So take a wild guess.

GK: Seems like I caught you on a bad day, mister.

TR (BARKEEP): Yeah, well, don't make it any worse than it is. ---- Oh.---- Afternoon, Mr. Bonner.

IG: Afternoon, Tex. (HE LOOKS AT LEFTY) Afternoon, sir. I see by your outfit that you are a cowboy.

GK: I am that. And you?

IG: Radio.

GK: You in radio?

IG: Yep.

GK: You got your own show?

IG: Yep. Called "Jim Bonner's Show".

GK: "Jim Bonner's Show."

IG: Yep.

GK: Why not "The Jim Bonner Show"?

IG: Doesn't sound right.

GK: So what kind of music you play on that? Reason I ask is that I am a singer/songwriter and ---- you know ---- I happen to have my guitar right here----- (STRUM) Sorry, just take me a minute. This is a song I wrote here just the other day......SINGS)

I can see clearly now, cause I have a light
I am in town, I'm not on the lone prairie.
There's electricity and the room is bright
And life's not so bad (bad), bad, when a man
Can clearly see.

SS: Lefty----- is that you singing? (GUITAR STOP)

GK: Evelyn----- wow---- Good to see you. My, those are high heels. And that filmy black blouse and silver lame pants.

SS: Got a new job----

GK: You're like a different person.

SS: I guess so----- I am sort of in the entertainment business-----

GK: So what kinda entertainment?

SS: I work here at the saloon, Lefty. I cheer people up. I sing, I talk to them, I ask them questions about themselves, try to draw them out. I'm a hostess-----

GK: Do you snuggle with them?

SS: Sometimes.....

GK: Men pay you to snuggle?

SS: I wouldn't say that. But if they want to put an arm around me, I don't mind.

GK: You never used to wear earrings.....

SS: They're zirconium.

GK: Zirconium. Huh.

IG: I bought her those.

GK: He bought you those?

SS: Bought em right off the Home Shopping Network. We were up at my place, on my new leather sectional, and he said he'd like me to get my ears pierced.....

GK: Aha. Well. So you got a recliner too----

IG: I thought she needed a sectional so I had one made from the skins of mountain goats. Six goats. Shot em myself.

SS: You should see my place ---- I've got red flocked wallpaper and a deep pile carpet----and a vibrating recliner.

GK: How does someone with a radio show afford a vibrating recliner?

SS: Mr. Bonner made his money in the beef business.

GK: Beef!

IG: Shipping beef. Stead of driving cattle for long distances on a trail, we ship the cattle in trucks. Get em to market quicker, less weight loss......we're shipping about six thousand head a week.

GK: My gosh.

SS: His radio show is on every morning at 7:05. I set my alarm so I can hear it. It's a five-minute livestock report.

GK: Aha.

SS: I just love his voice. Sometimes when I'm feeling down I'll ask him to read some prices to me. Do the livestock, honey. Please.

IG: Awwww. Evelyn.

SS: Please. Do it. ---- Listen to this, Lefty. It's like poetry.

IG: (CLEARS THROAT) Steers, 114-123. Feeder cattle, 145-148. Barrows & Gilts 61.13 - 73.20, Slaughter lambs steady. Slaughter ewes firm to five higher. Feeder lambs steady; trading fairly active. Choice and Prime, 40-60 lbs 130.00-150.00; 60-70 lbs 116.00-136.00. ---- Okay? Enough?

SS: See what I mean?

GK: Right. Well, good. Glad you're happy, Evelyn. Been thinking about you as I rode across the godforsaken prairie for weeks on end all filthy and lonesome and hoping you'd found someone else to comfort you and now my mind has been put at rest and I'll just ride on out and let the suffering resume. Nice to meet you, Mr. Bonner.

IG: You could always come work for me, Mister.

GK: To do what?

IG: Put you in charge of special projects.

GK: What sort of special projects?

IG: I don't know. I've been thinking of opening up a

Cowboy Museum and Interpretative Center. Demonstrate roping and riding and shooting.

GK: How about sauntering and spitting?

IG: Definitely sauntering and spitting. No doubt about it. Nosirree, bob. (HE HAWKS AND SPITS. TWO SECOND PAUSE. CHICKEN FLURRY, OFF)

GK: So you are a cowboy!

IG: Was at one time. Then I decided to earn some money.

GK: Well, we all have our little weaknesses.

IG: I got into a crazy business but I would rather be crazy than lonely.

GK: I've heard that, that insanity is the product of loneliness.

IG: So which are you? Lonely? Or crazy?

GK: Still trying to decide, I guess.

IG: If you do, you know where to find me----

GK: I do. Indeed I do. Bye, Evelyn.

SS: Bye, Lefty. Take care of yourself.

GK: Doing my best. Ha! Giddup. (HORSE WHINNY, GALLOP)


TR (DUSTY): Want me to warm up the rest of these scrambled buzzard eggs?

GK: Not hungry, Dusty.

TR (DUSTY): So how's Evelyn doing?

GK: Got her a good boyfriend with a steady income, got her a job in Human Resources. She's doing fine.

TR (DUSTY): Awww, she's still in love with you. She marry you in a minute if you'd just settle down with her in Yellow Gulch.

GK: Can't do it. Man comes to a point in life where transformation just isn't worth the time and trouble. Gotta just keep on keeping on.


I can see clearly now with my glasses on
My GPS tells me which way to go
She's is recalculating my route right now
Soon I will be (be), be (be) be
Back on the road.
Soon I will be.....back on the road.

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS brought to you byWild Bill Brand Skin Moisturizer..... it helps cover up bruises from fistfights so you're still attractive to the gal you were fighting over. (THEME OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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