(PHONE RINGS FOUR TIMES, THEN PICKUP)
SS (MOM): Duane? Honey? It's your mother. Are you busy? You are, aren't you.
GK: It's fine, mom. What's going on?
SS: You're busy. I hear that tone in your voice. You wish I'd go away and never come back.
GK: Mom, please. What is it.
SS: I only called to see how you are. And now I can see how you are----- too busy to talk to your mother, the one who gave you life.
GK: How are you, Mom?
SS: I am in ruins, honey. I ought to be locked up in the loony bin.
GK: What's wrong?
SS: Oh, you don't have time to listen to my troubles.
GK: I'm here. I'm listening.
SS: Whatever. It doesn't matter. I don't need your sympathy. I'll write you a note and put it in a bottle and throw it in the Mississippi River. If you get it, you get it. If not, whatever.
GK: What's wrong? Something with Dad?
SS: Honey, that is a subject that could take hours -----
GK: Well, what is it?
(A BEAT, SS SNIFFLES)
SS: It's my hair.
GK: What about your hair?
SS: I went to the salon and my regular colorist wasn't there and I specifically asked for titian and she colored my hair this lurid neon red ----- I look like a walking massage parlor.
GK: Well go back in and tell them you don't like it, and they can fix it.
SS: Oh I don't want to bother them.
GK: Mom, this is what they do. It's no big deal.
SS: Anyway---- you're in a hurry. How're you and Solveig coming along?
GK: We're friends, Mom. We're fine.
SS: "Friends" covers a lot of territory. You could be friends with the mailman.
GK: I know that.
LM (OFF): Who you talking to?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Hello? Duane? Who is that?
GK: It's Kendra, Mom.
SS: Kendra??? Who is she? Another friend?
LM (OFF): I'm sorry. I didn't know you were on the phone. I was in the shower. Are you okay?
GK (OFF): It's my mother.
LM (OFF): Uh oh.
GK (OFF): Shhh.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Uh oh? Did I just hear her say 'uh oh,' Duane? Who is she, Duane? I want to know right now.
GK: Mom, I have to go.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Oh really! Really! Because Kendra told you to? This girl just owns the universe, doesn't she? Let me talk to her.
GK: Can I call you back later?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I want to know who she thinks she is. "Uh oh." I'll give her uh oh. Let me talk to her.
GK: She's my trainer, Mom. I'm training for a 5K run.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): What?!?!
GK: We ran this morning and she's using the shower because her apartment is on the other side of town and she has to get to work.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Let----me----talk----to----her.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Now Duane. Now.
(A BEAT, GK SIGH)
GK (OFF): My mother wants to talk with you.
SS (VERY SWEETLY): Kendra!!! It's so good to meet you at last. How are you, darling?
LM: I'm okay. Thanks.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Duane has told me so much about you. I can't tell you how happy I am to get the chance to know you better------ can we talk?
SS: Let me just say this about Duane ---- I think you and I both know that maturity comes later for men – anyway how was your shower, darling?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You young people are so much freer than we were back in the day----- taking a shower in the home of a single man ----- that's so wonderful------ back when I was young, back in the Dark Ages, it would've ruined a girl's reputation to do that. You'd be burned at the stake, but never mind. Good for you.
LM: Well, Duane is not my boyfriend. He's my client.
SS (MIDWESTERN: Your client. Oh! So there isn't any----
SS: You don't feel that maybe there might be any----
LM: Not at all.
SS: So what, if I may ask, seems to be the problem there? I mean, there you are, in close proximity, perspiring heavily- ----
LM: I'm gay.
SS: You are----
SS: You're sure.
LM: Quite sure.
SS: Have you ever----thought about-----
LM: No, I haven't.
SS: And you don't think that----maybe-----
SS: Not even a little----hanky panky?
SS: Well that's great. Good to know what you want, I say. And I support you people getting married. I think it's time we passed the suffering around.
SS (MIDWESTERN: Okay. ---- could I talk to Duane?
LM: Sure. (OFF) Here. For you.
GK: Hi, Mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): So she sounds very nice.
GK: She is. I hope you didn't ask her a lot of personal questions.
SS: No, no. We talked about American policy in the Arab world. Here---- talk to your father for a minute. I feel dizzy. I have to sit down. Hank!!! Come get the phone! (TR GRUMBLES) Just take it. I have to take a pill.
GK: Hi Dad.
TR: How's it going over there then?
GK: Not bad. How's it with you?
TR: About the same.
GK: Well, that's good. What's the pill that Mom is taking?
TR: It's a mood leveler.
GK: Aha. Does it work?
TR: I donno. You tell me.
GK: I don't notice much different.
TR: Yeah me either. Okay then. Good talking with you. Bye. (OFF) Here you talk to him.
SS: Duane are you there?
GK: Right here, Mom.
SS: So is she still there? This girl in the shower? Your friend?
GK: Kendra? She left.
SS: I think you might consider another trainer, honey. One who likes men. A woman, that is.
GK: Mom, I am not going to hire a trainer so she will date me.
SS: Uh oh. Now you're angry, I can hear it.
GK: Well, think of what you're saying.
SS: All I want is good things for you, Duane. And you think I'm a monster. So why not just drive a wooden stake through my heart.
SS: You want to do that, I'll come over and ---- I'll bring the stakes.
SS: Just put the sharp point in the middle of my chest and whang on it with a sledgehammer and never mind the screeching and the writhing because that's normal. You'll be doing the world a favor, Duane. I'll just hiss at you and then I'll die. (SOBS)
GK: Mom? ---- Mom?
GK: What's the pill you just took?
SS: A mood leveler.
GK: Look at it.
SS: I swallowed it already.
GK: Look at the bottle.
GK: Just look at it.
SS: Okay. ---- Oh.----- It's your dad's pill.
GK: What is it?
SS: I guess it's a stimulant.
GK: So Dad has been taking the mood stabilizers?
SS: I guess so.
SS: Don't even say it.
GK: You need a stimulant like a bonfire needs kerosene. And for someone as flat as Dad, a mood leveler could be dangerous. How long has he been taking what you thought were stimulants?
SS: Last few months.
GK: You better switch.
SS: I suppose. But what if he starts running around whooping and yelling?
GK: I don't think they make stimulants that powerful.
SS: I guess you're right.
SS: Exactly. Anyway.
GK: Talk to you later.
SS: Okay. So nice to talk to you honey.
SS: Sure. Right.
GK: Okay mom, see you soon.
SS: Okay honey, love you. You take care.
GK: Love you mom, bye.
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).