Guy Noir, September 29, 2012

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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Guy Noir

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TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME)

GK: It was a gorgeous September, cool with bright blue skies, warm sun—the kind of weather that makes a man suddenly want to buy an easel and a palette and a beret and paint landscapes and then go in a bar and drink red wine and try to seduce the waitress and get turned down and go out and paint a picture of a person on a bridge screaming that will sell for $120 million dollars long after you're dead. Ah the life of the artist. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Yeah, come in, the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN)

TR: You Noir? The private eye?

GK: Yeah. Just like it says on the door.

TR: Oh. Right. Listen, I got a problem.

GK: Don't we all. How can I help?

TR: I forgot the PIN number for my toaster.

GK: Uh huh.

TR: Got up this morning and I was going to put a bagel in and toast it and I couldn't remember the PIN number.

GK: Uh huh.

TR: It used to be t-o-a-s-t but then I changed it because it just seemed too obvious, you know.

GK: Right. How did you change it?

TR: It's complicated. You have to enter it on a keypad but the keypad is protected by a password that changes every day and you have to go to a website to get it.

GK: So you could go to the website and do that----

TR: I could but I'd need a password to get into it.

GK: I see. And you forgot the password?

TR: Exactly.

GK: There must be a way to get that password----

TR: There is and it's written down on the warranty, which I put it in my lockbox but ---- I forgot the combination.

GK: You're having a bad day.

TR: Which I wrote down in an email to myself.

GK: The combination-----

TR: Right, but I can't get into my e-mail account.

GK: You forgot your password?

TR: How'd you know?

GK: I guessed.

TR: And besides my wife accidentally took my computer instead of hers and she got on a flight to San Francisco this morning. Or was it San Bernadino? I don't remember. Oh boy.

GK: Okay, but you can get into your email account on her computer.

TR: But I don't know her password.

GK: You could ask her.

TR: I forgot her phone number. Help me. I'm starving. If I can just get a bagel, I think I can figure this out.

GK: You know---- we could order you a bagel, toasted, with cream cheese, from Danny's Deli. Delivered.

TR: That sounds great. I'd like a strawberry bagel, lightly toasted, and cream cheese with pineapple.

GK: With pineapple?

TR: It's a new thing.

GK: Pineapple cream cheese on a strawberry bagel?

TR: It's good.

GK: Mister, you've got more problems than just a toaster. Get out of here. No wonder your life is a mess. Pineappleand cream cheese on a bagel? Go. Scram. Beat it.

(DOOR SLAM)

TR (OFF): Hey! I'm writing a bad review on Yelp! Just so you know!

(FOOTSTEPS OFF)

GK: Back in the day, you had one password to remember: your locker combination. Mine was 36-26-36. Right, left, right. You were in. Nowadays you have codes for your electric toothbrush, your sock drawer. What happened, America? Why all the security? How did we get so proprietary?

SS: It's my husband, Mr. Noir. We were shopping and I went into the plant and garden store and he drove off and said he'd be back in ten minutes and that was four hours ago.

GK: He have a cellphone with him?

SS: Yes-----

GK: Okay. Have you tried calling him?

SS: No, I didn't think of that.

GK: Here. Let me have your phone. ---- This his name? Jack?

SS: Right.

GK: Okay.

(TEN PHONE BEEPS, AUTOMATED CALL. RING AT OTHER END) (PICK UP) (CROWD AT BALLGAME, VIA PHONE)

DR (ON PHONE): Strike!!!! You call that a strike, Ump?? Booo. (BOOING CROWD)

GK: He seems to be at a ballgame.

DR (ON PHONE): Home run, Joe! Long ball! Come on, babe. Losing is for losers, Joe. You can do it, babe. (CROWD MURMUR OF APPROVAL) Yes! Ball three. Good eye. Good eye. Get your head in the game, Joe! Full count. He's gotta come to you, babe. Here it is. Come on, come on, come on---- (CROWD MURMUR OF DISAPPOINTMENT) Oh Joe. How could you swing at that? It was down around your ankles! Oh gosh. Hello?

GK: Hello, Jack? It's Guy Noir. Your wife is here. We're wondering where you are. Where are you?

DR (ON PHONE): What do you mean, where am I? I'm at home. Watching the Twins on TV. Who is this?

GK: He's at home.

SS: At home???

GK: Watching the game.

SS: What game?

GK: Twins.

SS: Jack??? You gotta be kidding. He hates baseball. ---- (TAKES PHONE) Hello? Jack?

DR (ON PHONE): Who is this?

SS: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were my husband.

DR (ON PHONE): Nope.

SS: Sorry to bother you.

DR (ON PHONE): No problem.

SS: I'll think about it. Bye. (CLICK) You know something----- this phone is not my phone. It's red. My phone is black.

GK: Where have you been that you would've picked this up?

SS: Well, I was driving around the block, waiting for Jack ---- Oh----- Tenbucks.

GK: Tenbucks.

SS: Coffee shop. It's like Starbucks except more expensive.

(STING, BRIDGE. ESPRESSO MACHINE)

LM: Welcome to Tenbucks. My name is Whitney and your password is 4J34A16 ---- would you like to try our Truffle Honey Walnut Latte?

SS: No, thanks---- listen---- I was in here an hour or so ago and I think I left my cellphone----

LM: For Lost and Found, you'll have to go online to Tenbucks-dot-com and use your password, 4J34A16----

TR (KIRK): Hey. What are you doing with my phone?

SS: This is your phone?

TR (KIRK): Yeah.

SS: Who is Jack?

TR (KIRK): My brother.

SS: Okay, cause my husband's name is Jack.

GK: So did you take her phone? A black phone?

TR (KIRK): Yeah. I tried to make a call on it but I didn't have the password.

GK: Where'd you try to use it?

TR (KIRK): In the sauna of the YMCA.

GK: Okay. (BRIDGE, HISSING OF STEAM) (REVERB) Gentlemen.....sorry to disturb you. Anybody find a mobile phone in here?

HJ: A what?

GK: Mobile phone.

HJ: Are you in the right sauna?

GK: Oh. Sorry. I couldn't see with all this steam. Where's the men's steamroom?

HJ: In there. (FOOTSTEPS, BARE FEET, DOOR OPEN, (HISSING)

GK: Gentlemen, I'm looking for a phone that somebody might've left in here.

DR: Here. It was under the bench.

GK: Thanks. Okay. Her password is HEATHER43, she said (BEEPS OF DIGITAL PAD) ---- good----- and here's her husband Jack----- (BEEP, THEN SERIES OF BEEPS) hope this works ----- (RING AT OTHER END, PICKUP).

TR: Yeah?

GK: Jack?

TR: Yeah?

GK: Heather's husband?

TR: Right---

GK: Where are you?

TR: Here.

GK: Where is here, Jack?

TR: St. Paul.

GK: What are you doing in St. Paul?

TR: I'm lost.

GK: What's the intersection?

TR: Uh, let me take a look----- Hyacinth & Eleanor.

GK: What's the nearest major cross street?

TR: Uh......after Eleanor, there's Lilac, Arborvitae, Elizabeth, Chrysanthemum, Floral, Chrysalis, Francesca, Delphinium-----

GK: Jack, do you see where the sun is going down?

TR: Yeah----

GK: Head that way, Jack. Cross the river, you're in Minneapolis. Nobody gets lost in Minneapolis, Jack.

TR: Okay. Thanks.

(THEME)

TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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