The Lives of the Cowboys, October 6, 2012

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN

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The Lives of the Cowboys

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SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Santa Fe Brand Antibacterial Serapes.....the medicated cape that reduces pestilence and disease. Just because you're cold and wet and lonesome doesn't mean you have to be infectious... and now here's today's exciting western adventure.


TR: Man I thought we were gonna be in Amarillo about now. It's getting cold here.

GK: Just taking a few odd jobs to build cash flow, Dusty, then we're out of here.

TR: If I have to spend another winter in Minnesota, I am going to-----

GK: Going to what?

TR: I'm thinking----

GK: Well, that's what winter stimulates. Clear thinking. The world could use more of that.

TR: Ha! If Minnesota is an example of clear thinking, I don't believe you've been up to the legislature lately. They put a constitutional amendment on the ballot that would require each voter to have a clear idea of why they vote the way they do.

GK: No, no----- not "idea" ---- I.D. You'd have to have an I.D.

TR: That's what I said. And most voters who vote ---- they got no i.d. why they pull one lever or the other. Just pure habit. And there's another amendment that forbids married people to have sex at the same time.

GK: Well, that is foolish, isn't it.


TR: Where are we going, by the way?

GK: We're going to get the horses and ride out to the St. Croix to an apple orchard and we're going to glue apples to the apple trees ---- it's a Pick-Your-Own apple orchard and the crop was poor so they're having us glue some New Zealand apples to the trees. And then we're going to work at a recycling plant for awhile and then we're going to lead a campfire.

TR: Oh boy. Recycling. Cowboys don't recycle. Throw the garbage in the gulch and move to a new place. That's the cowboy way. —

GK: We are running out of gulches, Dusty. And by the way, before we do the swing dance, we gotta clean ourselves up. Put on clean clothes.

TR: That's the part I hate.

GK: No need to be fancy, just clean.

TR: We're cowboys, Lefty Cowboys are supposed to be filthy. That's how we preserve our independence. By being repulsive.

GK: There are other ways to repel. Bad grammar, bodily gases, economics.

TR: This campfire afterward?-----

GK: Yes?

TR: That means singing, don't it.

GK: Probably.

TR: I was afraid of that. Mind if I take a raincheck.

GK: You're not in the mood for singing?

TR: Other people's singing? No. Mine? Maybe, if I'm drunk enough to think I sound good. Otherwise I am just going to find me a saloon and lurk in a dim corner and wait for a woman with low self-esteem to appear and then strike up a conversation.

GK: Okay. You do that. (BRIDGE)

SS: Hi, you the cowboy who's going to lead the campfire tonight?

GK: Yes, ma'am.

SS: I am Frieda Barzoon, and I am the leader of the St. Paul Campfire Girls.

GK: Oh, I see. So this is not an open campfire?

SS: No, this is for young women who have signed a pledge of purity.

GK: Ah. Good to know.

SS: So I would like to know which songs you plan to sing tonight so I can make sure none of them would be offensive to people on grounds of race, gender, religious or political affiliation, physical or mental capability, age, size, or ethnic origin.

GK: What about sexual orientation?

SS: What kind of orientation?

GK: Well, you know-----

SS: Did you say sexual orientation?

GK: I did but the moment I did I knew it was a mistake.

SS: We do not have that type of orientation and I hope that you do not either.

GK: Well, each of us has our little peccadilloes?

SS: Our little what?

GK: Oddities. Personal traits.

SS: What type of oddities are you talking about, sir?

GK: Well, a preference for certain keys, for in my case, the key of D. (STRUMS)


You're the cream in my coffee
You're the salt in my stew
You will always be my necessity, I'd be lost without you. You're the cinch on my saddle,
You're the bird in my tree,
You will always be indispensable, I'd be lost without thee. When men ride hosses,
For mean trail bosses,
They love hot sauces,
And you're my Worcestershire, dear.
You're the tines on my pitchfork,
You're the blade on my plow,
You will always be my necessity, I'd be lost without thou.

MD: Hi, you tall handsome cowboy person you.

GK: Well, hello there. I see by your outfit that you are a Campfire Girl.

MD: I am a Campfire Woman. I have been standing around waiting for a man who could put a match to my kindling and start a blaze and I believe I have just met him.

GK: What happened to Miss Barzoon?

MD: She keeps a little bottle of crème de cacao back in the bushes and she went to have a snootful. There's just you and me, baby.

GK: Did you call me Baby?

MD: I did. The word just slipped out.

You're the oil in my dressing
You're the flour in my roux
You will always be my basic food group, I'd be lost without you.
You're the salt on my salad,
You're the milk in my tea,
You will always be indispensable, I'd be lost without thee. When folks sing duets
Songs made for two it's
So good it's true it's
I'm so glad you're here, dear.
You're the whoop in my whoopee,
You're the wow of my bow,
You will always an astonishment, I'd be lost without thou.


SS: ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO. CUT THAT OUT. YOU GET YOUR ARM OFF HIM, MISS. I walk away for two minutes and look what happens. I've got two words for you ---- BE HAVE. (THEME)

TR: The Lives of the Cowboys.....brought to you by Santa Fe Brand Antibacterial Serapes.....the medicated cape that reduces pestilence and disease.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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