Guy Noir, October 6, 2012

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN

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Guy Noir

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TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UP AND OUT)


GK: It was October, the month when the leaves start to fall and our illusions come falling down with them and we stare up at the bare limbs of reality and we have to make our peace with it. And that's why a lot of people come to see me. They need me to point out that indeed it is October and this is reality, it's not just a cold snap, it's the beginning of winter.

No matter who tells you what to do
You will always be you.

To your own self be true:
You are you. Just you. Beautiful you. (STOPS)

It's not a good song, is it.

GK: No, it's not.

MD: How can I improve it?

GK: Mulch it.

MD: I worked on it all summer.

GK: Well, now you've got fall to look forward to.

MD: I've got another song.

GK: I'll bet you do.

Strings and wings and whisperings
Are things that wishing brings to me
And mists and twists and novelists
Existing in a mystery.
And O the sweet simplicity
The singing of infinity
The city of our artistry
Bringing ringing sprinkling sinking
Images of you and me.......
(SPEAKS) You don't like it, do you. I can tell by the look on your face.

GK: It isn't any good.

MD: What can I do to be a better songwriter?

GK: Don't try.

MD: Why not?

GK: You're happy. Most bad songwriters are. Great songwriters are tortured. They're perfectionists. It's never good enough. You like your song, don't you----

MD: I do. I love it. Especially (SHE SINGS).....

And O the sweet simplicity
The singing of infinity
The city of our artistry....

GK: If you were a great songwriter, you'd hate it. You'd want to shoot yourself. Why would you want that?

MD: You're right. -----Thank you. ----How much do I owe you?

GK: Two hundred bucks.

MD: How about I pay you when I sell my first song?

GK: Sure. Good luck. (STING, BRIDGE)

DR: Okay. Here's the thing. I been in baseball for seventeen years and the thing is ---- I am a better hitter against better pitching. In Double AA, in Schenectady, I batted .249, and in Class A, Superior I hit .223, and in Class D, Biwabik, I hit .183 ---- so what I figure is, if I can just lose some weight and gain some self confidence, I could try out for the Twins in February, and get me a spot like maybe DH, have me a couple good seasons, earn a couple million, come back home and buy a tavern, name it Buddy's ---- that's my name, Buddy ---- and I'm all set. What do you say?

GK: Where's home, Buddy?

DR: Menomonie, Wisconsin.

GK: Go back there.

DR: Why?

GK: Because they know you. If you go stand in the woods thinking you are a tree, they'll send someone to find you.

DR: So you don't think I can do it.

GK: I know you can't.

DR: Just because I'm forty-seven?----

GK: You can't hit the curve.

DR: I just need more At Bats?

GK: You've got all the At Bats you're ever going to get, Mister.


GK: When you're in the truth-telling business, people don't like what they hear and they remember it for years. I was reminded of this a couple weeks ago.....

TR: Hurry up, step on it.

GK: Yes, sir.

TR: Don't have all day.

GK: Okay.

TR: Kneel down. On the cushion.

GK: Okay, I'm doing the best I can.

TR: Well, don't poke along then. I got a hundred people waiting for communion.

GK: I'm sorry.

TR: Here's the wafer. Here-----

GK: Aren't you supposed to say something as you hand me that?

TR: Already said it, you weren't listening.

GK: You know, a guy comes forward for communion, he kind of expects to be treated with kindness.

TR: You gonna take the wafer or not?

GK: I was about to.

TR: And don't drop it or you're outta here.

GK: I'm just saying that I'm not used to being yelled at at the communion rail.

TR: Okay---- get out of here--- go----git-----

GK: You know, I was invited to come up and partake of----

TR: Then do it, don't come up here and irritate me.

GK: I didn't know it was a race. Hey. Wait a minute. I know you.

TR: Brought you my novel ten years ago. You read three pages and told me it was garbage. I never wrote another word after that. You ruined my life, Noir.

GK: It was a crummy novel about a wayward priest and it was wordy and crude and half of it you stole from J.F. Powers.

TR: Okay, that's it. Beat it. Go on. Get out.

GK: I may just go down the street to the Unitarians.

TR: Good riddance.

GK: Whatever happened to Blessed are the meek, huh?

TR: Scram. Or I call the coppers.


SS (FLEXNER): It's about my husband, Mr. Noir. I want him to go on a weight-loss and exercise program this fall. He's 65, he weighs 225 pounds, fifty pounds heavier than when I married him, he mostly sits around reading all day or watching TV, and I can't even get him out of his chair to go for a brisk half-hour walk around the neighborhood. I belong to a health club, work out five times a week, run at least four miles three times a week, and I'm entered in the marathon tomorrow. Last year I finished first in my age category.

GK: Well, congratulations.

SS: I eat a healthy diet and Albert lives on sliders, French fries, and chocolate shakes.

GK: Sounds like you have work to do.

SS: Yes. I have put him on a diet of brambles and birch boughs and I've hired a trainer to work with Albert. Her name is Mitzi. (DEEP LOW GROWL)

GK: This is the trainer----- (LOW GROWL)

SS: Yes. She's a live-in trainer and if Albert so much as looks at a piece of ground beef or deep-fried anything, she will bite him in the throat.

GK: Pretty effective, I imagine.

SS: Their first workout was yesterday. He locked himself in the bathroom and she chewed through the door and ran him half-naked through the streets for thirty minutes and then grabbed his collar and dragged him home.

GK: So how can I help?

SS: Albert is missing. I need you to find him.

GK: Can't Mitzi find him?

SS: She can but I'm not sure she'd bring him back alive.

GK: Any idea where he went?

SS: We believe he is in Paris.

GK: A city where low-cal hasn't caught on yet and a mature man doesn't feel sheepish about leading a restful life.

SS: Can you go to Paris and locate him?

GK: I can go to Paris but if I do, it'll be to join him in whatever sort of life he's living.

SS: Then I don't want you.

GK: No, you don't.

SS: I'd like my money back then.

GK: The down payment was for consultation. We consulted. Thanks for your time. Bye. (DOOR CLOSE) You want to get the money up front if you're in this line of work. I got a call from a guy who said he'd pay me a thousand bucks if I'd help him prepare for a dinner with a woman he'd met online.

TR (ON PHONE, SMOOTH): I'm a conservative and she's a moderate Democrat, Mr. Noir. I need to change my tune or else the first date will be the last.

GK: So why not meet a conservative woman?

TR (ON PHONE, SMOOTH): They're married already. (BRIDGE)

GK: So I met him at the Five Spot. Jimmy was taking the night off and there was a jazz combo playing. (BAND, LIGHT MINIMAL JAZZ) Just a club soda for me, thanks. So what's the band?

SS (BARTENDER): It's called the Ramon Montaigne Sextet.

GK: Which one is Ramon Montaigne?

SS (BARTENDER): He was the flutist but he got fired.

GK: Why?

SS (BARTENDER): Wasn't any good.

GK: Uh huh. Why don't they change the name then?

SS (BARTENDER): They like the name.

GK: Oh.

SS (BARTENDER):You want a slice of lemon with the club soda?

GK: Yeah. Thanks. How come they call it a sextet when there's just four of them?

SS (BARTENDER): They like the word sextet.

GK: I see the first three letters are in larger type.

SS (BARTENDER): Yeah. Works for them, I guess. Here's your club soda. That's fifteen bucks.

GK: Fifteen bucks???

SS (BARTENDER): Cover charge.

GK: That's kind of steep.

SS (BARTENDER): I can discount it to ten bucks but then you'd have to make do with a trio.

GK: And then a man waved to me from a booth.


He was prosperous looking, executive hair, expensive shoes.

GK: You're Mr. Willard?

TR (SMOOTH): Yes. Call me Tommy.

GK: So when is your date with this moderate Democratic woman, sir?

TR (SMOOTH): One hour from now. At an Indian restaurant. I never ate in an Indian restaurant before. What do they serve? Buffalo?

GK: Lentils and stuff. Don't worry about it. Order from the vegetarian side. She'll ask if you're vegan and you say, No, vegetables jus make me feel better. She'll like that.

TR (SMOOTH) Vegetables give me gas.

GK: Take a bicarbonate.

TR (SMOOTH) Is there any way I can get through this dinner and skip the political stuff? I'm a rather severe conservative. She's going to think I'm a freak or something.

GK: What's your feeling about Obamacare?

TR (SMOOTH) Socialism. Just like Medicare. I think the whole mess out to be abolished and leave health care to private enterprise.

GK: And you think that would be better?

TR (SMOOTH) Absolutely.

GK: Then just tell her you want to strengthen Medicare.

TR (SMOOTH) Strengthen it? I want to throw it out.

GK: Semantics. How about Wall Street regulation?

TR (SMOOTH) I think business can regulate itself.

GK: So you were opposed to the bank bail-out?

TR (SMOOTH) I didn't say that.

GK: How about you just say you think we should take a new look at the situation on a case by case basis?

TR (SMOOTH) Nice. I like that. What if she turns out to be a feminist?

GK: "What if???"

TR (SMOOTH) You think she will be?

GK: What year is this? Nineteen fifty-four?

TR (SMOOTH) Okay, okay. What do I do?

GK: Tell her that what empowers a woman is money. Pure and simple. More money. More women in business.

TR (SMOOTH) About half of the women I meet don't like me at all.

GK: Half of them?

TR (SMOOTH) Forty-seven percent. They have a sense of entitlement and they look at me and feel threatened.

GK: Well, that leaves 53%.

TR (SMOOTH) Right. Maybe I ought to learn some jokes.

GK: Good. Know any jokes?

TR (SMOOTH) Well, there's the one about the two penguins standing on an ice shelf. Or ice floe. Two penguins. I guess this would've been in Antarctica. Probably. You've seen penguins, right? Little guys with flippers. Black and white. Anyway, one penguin says, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo." And the other penguin says, "So what if I am?"

GK: Okay. Go on.

TR: That's the joke.

GK: But that's not how it goes.

TR: That's how I tell it.

GK: But it's not funny.

TR: That's your opinion.

GK: It's not funny.

TR: To me it is.

GK: You're not going to pay me for consulting, are you?

TR: What makes you think I'm not?

GK: Now that's funny. That's the punchline.

TR: The punchline to what?

GK: The penguin joke.

TR: I don't get it.

GK: I can see that.

TR: Okay. Gotta go. Thanks.

GK: That's two-hundred bucks.

TR: Send a bill to my office.

GK: Where's that?

TR: Got six of them. Take your pick. Ciao. (FOOTSTEPS)

GK: Hey, wait a minute. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) Come back. (DOOR SLAM)

SS: Not so fast, Mr. Noir. Here's your check.

GK: Forty-five bucks----

SS: Right. Not including tip.

GK: I thought you said fifteen.

SS: Fifteen for you, thirty for him.

GK: You take a credit card?

SS: With proper identification, sure.....

GK: Never mind. Here's fifty bucks.

SS: Fifty!!!!

GK: Fifty. Take it or leave it.


SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its' secrets....but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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