The Lives of the Cowboys, October 13, 2012

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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The Lives of the Cowboys

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SS: The Lives of the Cowboys: Brought to you by Jack's Cowboy Boots…..they come pre-scuffed so you won't look like a greenhorn. And now, The Lives of the Cowboys.

(HORSES WALKING, WHINNY)

GK: Whoa, boy. Whoa. Where are we, Dusty? Is this Granite Fork?

TR: Supposed to be.

GK: Sure doesn't look like it. The livery stable seems to have become an art gallery and plant store.

TR: And the saloon ---- used to be called the Last Chance Saloon ---- remember?

GK: I do.

TR: Now it's called Mist In The Mountains?

GK: Under new ownership I reckon.

TR: Well, let's have a look-see. (FOOTSTEPS, SALOON DOOR OPEN, CAMPTOWN RACES ON SITAR) Sure has changed. Lot of skinny people in black clothes. (FOOTSTEPS) I smell perfume. Men's perfume.

GK: The West is changing, I guess.

SS: What can I do for you, gentlemen? We have fresh-squeezed juices, craft beers, and wines from local vineyards-----

TR: They never used to make wine around here. The grapes got too bitter, just like everyone else. How about whiskey?

SS: Well, we're not supposed to have it, but we do have a rotgut smoothie.

TR: Uh huh.

SS: Got the burning rotgut taste but it goes down easily.

TR: Let me have one of those.

SS: Isn't there a word that goes with that?

TR: What?

SS: Please?

TR: You're welcome.

SS: How about you, sir?

GK: Water, please.

SS: Cool, clear water?

GK: Thanks.

SS: Be right back.

(FOOTSTEPS)

DR: Hey boys. Remember me?

GK: Not sure I do, stranger. Where might we have met?

DR: Yellow Gulch. In a bar fight. Ought-five.

GK: You and me?

DR: Knock down, no holds barred, poke in the eye, kick him in the teeth, slugfest.

GK: Hey Jim Bob. Hey Dusty---- look who I found? Jim Bob Messer.

TR: Oh yeah. Remember you. Where's your pistol and your ammo belt?

DR: Took up yoga, Dusty. Got rid of my aggressions through meditation and mastering the poses. Like this one. (STRAIN) This is called Reaching For The Sky.

GK: Well, that's good.

DR: Just came in here to charge up my cell phone. Hey, we got us a Scrabble game going over in the corner. Dollar a point. E's are wild.

GK: No, thanks. I'm trying to finish a song.

DR: Hey, Lola ---- when are you gonna put down a word?

SS: I'm thinking.

DR: You been thinking for fifteen minutes.

SS: So what's the time limit?

DR: You passed it already.

SS: Well, I'm gonna take as much time as I need.

DR: You see this pose here, Lola? This is called Crouching Dog Preparing to Leap.

SS: You don't scare me none.

(GUITAR STRUM)

TR: Oh boy. Here we go.

GK (SINGS):
I'm sad and I'm lonely.
And also depressed.
A dysfunctional cowboy
In the Wild West.
Last night I was held up
By the train station
He took all my money
And my medications.
He took my hat with its broad-brim visor
And also my mood stabilizer…..
He took my horse
And my Colt .44s
And the trophy I won as a livestock exhibitor
And my reuptake inhibitor.

It's a hard dusty trail
Through the Wyoming hills
One more lonesome cowboy
Without any pills.

SS: Hey! I got it! E, e, u, k, t, p, a. Put em down with that R in Favor. And I got ---- re-uptake. I'm out of letters. Eighty-five points there, and double word score ---- one-hundred seventy---- I win.

DR: Hold on. Wait just a minute. There's a hyphen in re-uptake. And there ain't no hyphens allowed in Scrabble.

SS: Who says, Jim Bob?

DR: Those are the rules, Lola.

SS: Show me. Where is it written down that you cannot use a hyphenated word in Scrabble?

DR: Tell her, Lefty.

GK: Tell her what?

DR: Ain't no hyphenated words in Scrabble.

SS: You taking his side, Mister?

GK: I'm an innocent bystander.

SS: Where's it written down?

GK: Should be on the inside of the cover of the Scrabble box.

SS: Well, that box disappeared years ago.

DR: Any idiot knows that hyphenated words are not allowed in Scrabble. Hear me? (PAUSE)

SS: I say they are and I say I won. (PAUSE)

DR: Looky here, Lola. This is a yoga pose called Man Reaching For A Chair And Intending To Bust It Over Somebody's Head.

GK: Let's get out of here, Dusty.

SS: And this pistol in my purse says hyphenated words are just hunky-dory, okey-dokey, and acey-deucy. (SIX GUNSHOTS, RAPID SUCCESSION)

DR: Gimme that gun, Lola.

SS: I know what you're thinking. Did she fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. So you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?'

GK: You two work it out. We're out of here.

TR: Right behind you, pardner. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, SALOON DOOR OPEN, CLOSE, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL)

GK: Just like old times, Dusty.

TR: The more things change, the more they're the same.

GK: You can put lipstick on the pig but it's still what it is.

(GIDDYUPS, HORSES WHINNY, GALLOP)

(THEME)

SS (ANNC): The Lives of the Cowboys: brought to you by Jack's Cowboy Boots ----- somebody has walked a mile in your boots so you won't have to.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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