Dive, October 13, 2012

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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Dive

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GK: There was a story last week in the St. Paul Pioneer Press saying that Prescott, Wisconsin had broken the record for World's Biggest Sausage with a 52-foot bratwurst and then the paper got a deluge of emails and phone calls from Dallas, Wisconsin, about their 135-foot weiner and there was a fierce back and forth about whether that should count since Prescott had a bun for their sausage and Dallas did not.

It gave a person hope for the newspaper business: if you print what people are really interested they will want to read it. Syria, no; economics, no no no; wieners, yes.

Walker Art Center in Minneapolis, once the home of the avant-garde back when there was one, in their permanent collection you find Jasper Johns, Hopper Warhol, Chuck Close, Giacomette, and so on ---- but one night this summer they drew 10,000 people to a Cat Video Festival ---- people's videos of their cats ---- what lessons do we draw from this?

GK: Out on the street in front of the theater right now is a truck with a tank on the flatbed, a tank containing 3000 gallons of tapioca pudding, and standing on the roof of the theater about to dive into the tank is a naked woman holding a chimpanzee. (CHIMP)

SS: I'm actually wearing a bathrobe.

GK: Okay but you will be naked when you dive, right? (PAUSE)

TR: Yes, she will be.

GK: You are her manager?

TR: That is correct.

GK: Okay. You're not going to take the chimp with you, are you?

SS: I am, yes. She'll be fine.

GK: Okay, but it's a long way down.

SS: We've done this many times before.

TR: There's just one thing ---- you paid us $500 for the dive, but we need an additional $100 for the chimp and $500 for the nudity.

GK: I thought we had a deal.

TR: The deal was that she dives into the pudding, but the others are add-ons.

GK: Another $500? I wish you'd brought this up before.

TR: You didn't ask. And we didn't know it was tapioca.

SS: I have a food allergy.

TR: It gives her hives, so right after she dives, we have to drive her to a hospital for five cc's of Alivatrol.

GK: Which hospital?

TR: St. Ives.

GK: So 500 for the dive----

TR: Plus 500 for loss of privacy. And 100 for Ivan.

GK: The chimp. Okay, it's a deal, $1100.

TR: We'd like that in cash or a cashier's check.

GK: Okay----- Dan!!!!

DR: Yeah?

GK: You up there on the roof?

DR: Yeah----

GK: You got $1100 bucks on you?

DR: Yeah----

GK: Give it to the lady in the bathrobe----

DR: Okay.

TR: Here, I'll take it.

DR: He said the lady in the bathrobe.

TR: I'm her manager.

DR: Sorry, I'm supposed to----- wow.

GK: What is it?

DR: You want me to give it to the naked lady?

GK: I'm sorry, what?

TR: I'll take that.

DR: No, you won't. (STRUGGLE) (DR LONG FALLING CRY, ENORMOUS SPLORT)

GK: Dan?

TR: He fell in the pudding.

GK: You got the money?

TR: No. He's got it.

GK: So she's not going to jump----

TR: He's down there.

GK: Okay. Never mind. Forget the whole thing. (BAND PLAY OFF)

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