Guy Noir, November 10, 2012

Auditorium Theatre of Roosevelt University

Chicago, IL

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Guy Noir

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TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions......Guy Noir, Private Eye.


GK: It was November and I was feeling flush. The election was over, a $6 billion stimulus program for radio and TV and political organizers and speechwriters and working stiffs like me. I was the guy in 2004 who found the video of John Kerry speaking French. (TR FRENCH W CLENCHED TEETH) and I was the one in 2008 who asked Governor Palin what newspapers she read ---- (SS PALIN: Oh, I read a whole bunch of them. Too many to name. I sorta get the idea from the question that you're suggesting I can't read. Well, I can. And here's what I think of you. GUN BLAST) ---- and I was the one who dug up a video of Governor Romney's dog strapped to the roof of his car (CAR GOING BY, DOG BARKS, DOPPLER) all the way to Canada. The work of the private eye in American politics has always been lucrative and now that new campaigns start the moment an election is over ---- it's a gravy train just waiting to be ridden.

PQ: Mr. Noir, I'm Pat Quinn, the governor of Illinois.

GK: Nice to meet you, but I thought that you were----

PQ: No, that was the guy before me. And the guy before him. And a couple guys back in the 70s and 80s-----

GK: So you're not----

PQ: No.

GK: And so far as you know there's not a----

PQ: No.

GK: Good. So what's the problem, Governor?

PQ: It's like this, Mr. Noir ---- I made a campaign commercial a couple years ago ----- let me show you this: (CLICK)

LL (SINGS): Q-u-i-n-n spells Quinn
The All-American Boy
A name that sin has never been connected to,
Although he's from Illinois.
Extra smart, extraordinary,
Pat Quinn, a man of the prairie. (BIG WOOF)

GK: Very nice. Very nice. I like the Irish setter.

PQ: But did you notice the word "prairie"?

GK: No.

PQ: Misspelled. P-R-A-Y-R-I-E.

GK: You were trying to spell two words at once. Prairie and Prayer.

PQ: I saw it and right away I'm thinking, "This is gonna get in the papers, that Pat Quinn can't spell "prairie"----- remember Dan Quayle? Who misspelled "potato"----A guy can't be too careful. I'm up for re-election in two years. And you know, a lot of people are ready to believe the worst about the Irish -----

GK: So you put the kibosh on the commercial.

PQ: I did. I ordered all the copies destroyed except this one. But I was so upset, I got myself a hot dog from a hot dog stand and in my agitation I put ketchup on the hot dog.

GK: Not good, huh?

PQ: In Chicago, nobody puts ketchup on a hot dog. It's like putting a big chunk of cheese on your head.

GK: So did somebody get a picture of you doing this?

PQ: Take a look at this----

GK: Another commercial?

PQ: Right.

LL (SINGS): Pat Quinn ---- No thanks!
He gives bail-outs to the banks.
He puts ketchup on his franks.
He ain't Chicago ---- he must be from Gary.
He doesn't even know how to spell "prairie".

GK: Boy, somebody doesn't like you.

PQ: Help me, Mr. Noir. Please.

GK: I will.

PQ: And if there's anything I can do for you, let me know, okay?

GK: Well, there is. I wonder if you could declare November 10 "Prairie Home Companion Day" in Illinois. The show is hurting. It could use the help.

PQ: I'll do that. You want the trumpets and the cannon and the elephants and the flyover by jet aircraft? No extra charge.

GK: Fine.


PQ: I, Pat Quinn, hereby declare "A Prairie Home Companion Day" in Illinois, whereas....whereas....whereas.....hereinafter....forthwith.....and let no man put asunder. (CANNON SALUTE) (JETS FLYOVER)

GK: Thank you, Governor.

PQ: My pleasure.



GK: So business was good. I went down to the Brew Ha Ha to talk to Sharon, the barista. (ESPRESSO, OFF) Hey, Sharon-----

SS (SHARON): Hi Guy.

GK: One coffee, black, no cream, no sprinkles.

SS (SHARON): The pumpkin latte is good, Guy----

GK: I don't put pie in my coffee, Sharon. That goes on the side.

SS (SHARON): Whatever. Guy--- could you do me a favor. There's someone in the bathroom and they haven't come out for an hour. There are people lined up out the door. Could you check it out?

GK: Okay. --- (UNHAPPY PEOPLE). Excuse me, folks. Just gonna check on the toilet.

TR (ANNOYED): What's taking so long up there? Hey? Can we get this line moving please?

SS (OLDER): Hey, get used to it. Women put up with this every single day.

FN: Hey, can I cut in front of you? I only have to go number 1.

SS (OLDER): We all have to go number 1.

FN: I'm just trying to be efficient.

GK: Excuse me----

TR: Hey, mister. First come first served.

SS: Yeah. Where are you going? Get to the back of the line!

GK: I'm not in line. I'm trying to get the line moving.

TR: I've been here for 15 minutes and you are not going to get in front of me.

GK: Just relax, sir.

FN: Yeah, sure. I relax and it's going to go all over the floor.

SS: Then go stand over there.

GK: I'm just going to try to open this door. It will only take a minute.

FN: My bladder is about to explode.

TR: Join the club.

FN: What if we made two lines: Number 1s over here, number 2s over there.

SS: Oh shut up.

GK: Could you just give me a little space here? Thank you. (KNOCKING) Hello! (KNOCKING) Hello, is somebody in there? ----And then I saw a vent up high on the wall and I climbed up on a chair and looked in and there was a guy in there and he was reading. ----- Hey!

PS: What?

GK: There's a line of people out here.

PS: I'll be done in a minute.

GK: You can sit out here and read a book, you know----

PS: I'm looking for the PIN number. I wrote it down in the book.

GK: There are people shifting from one leg to the other out here, mister. People in pain.

PS: I have to find the PIN number.

GK: You can find it out here.

PS: It's the PIN number for the door.

GK: The toilet door??

PS: Yes.

GK: I'll be right back. (FOOTSTEPS, FAST, AND STOP) Sharon----- he forgot the PIN number.

SS: Oh my gosh. The PIN number, the PIN number. Harry, what's the PIN number for the toilet?

FN (HIGH TIGHT): I got no idea, Sharon.

SS: We get the PIN number every week from that radio quiz show. What's the name of the quiz show?

FN (HIGH TIGHT): "Wait A Second, Hold On, It's On The Tip Of My Tongue"----

SS: "Wait A Second, Hold On, It's On The Tip Of My Tongue" !!!! What was the answer to that trick question?

GK: Why do you have a lock on the inside of the toilet?? What's the idea here?

SS: It was supposed to be on the outside but the locksmith is dyslexic.

GK: Oh boy.

SS: We were gonna have it fixed but I've been busy.

GK: And the PIN number comes from a quiz show?

SS: We change it every week.

GK: Why?

SS: For security. So outsiders can't get in.

GK: Well, now insiders can't get out.

TR (RICO):: Come on, open up the toilet. We're dying out here.

SS (NYER): Yeah, what's the problem??

FN: There are laws against this. (MORE GRUMBLING)


SS: Brew Ha Ha, Sharon speaking.

PS (ON PHONE): Yeah, this is the guy locked in your toilet. Listen—I've got an appointment in Winnetka in about fifteen minutes----

SS: Well, you're the one who locked the door, I didn't.

FN (HIGH TIGHT): Hey hey hey-- I just remembered---- the PIN number is the answer to the question: What was the smallest island in the news last week?

SS: The smallest island in the news last week....

PS (ON PHONE): Now I remember. It's a five-letter name.

GK: The PIN number is a five-letter word----okay.....

TR (RICO):: Staten.

GK: Too many letters.

TR (RICO):: Rikers. --- Oh. No. ----

SS: Liberty......uh......Long......uh.....

FN: Shelter.....Hilton Head....

TR (RICO):: Okay, I had it. I gotta go. Get out of my way, I'm gonna cut the door down. (CHAINSAW START) Step aside. Look out.

PQ: STOP!!!!

TR (RICO):: Huh?

PQ: I said STOP.


GK: Hey, it's the Governor. (CROWD MURMURS) Good to see you again, sir.

PS (MUFFLED):: Governor?

PQ: Yes?? Who's that?

PS (MUFFLED):: I'm the guy locked in the toilet. The name is Quint. Quint Siegenfeller. I'm a campaign consultant. I'm supposed to be at a meeting in fifteen minutes.

PQ: I heard of you.

GK: We can't remember the PIN number, Governor. It's a five-letter word ----- the smallest island that was in the news this week.

PQ: That's easy. Aisle. A-i-s-l-e. The aisle that Democrats and Republicans are going to reach across.

GK: Aha. It's aisle, Mr. Siegenfeller. A-i-s-l-e.


GK: There you go.

PS: Whew. I was starting to get claustrophobia. (CROWD PUSHING FORWARD, ARGUING)

GK: Thanks, Governor.

PS: I've got a confession to make, Governor. The meeting I'm supposed to be at is a meeting to plan the campaign against you. And I was going to give them this-----

PQ: A video, huh?

PS: Of you putting ketchup on a hot dog.

PQ: You giving this to me, Siegenfeller?

PS: I'm getting out of politics, Governor. Sitting in the toilet gave me a chance to re-examine my life. I'm going to do what I set out to do years ago and that's to teach hot yoga to at-risk kids in inner-city schools.

PQ: Good luck, Siegenfeller. Well, Mr. Noir---- I guess the case is closed.

GK: The case is never closed, Governor. One closes and three more open. Life is a series of unanswerable questions, sir. You have to enjoy the confusion and be sure to eat your ice cream before it melts.

PQ: Good to meet you, sir.

GK: Same here, Governor.


SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.

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