Secede, November 17, 2012

The Brown Theater at the Wortham Theater Center

Houston, TX


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Secede

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GK: So you're a Don't Mess With Texas guy with a Republic of Texas bumper sticker and Confederate flag decals and it was not a happy November for you. Seeing those aging flower children who make up the Democratic Party whooping it up on Election Night ----

FN (HIGH): Power to the people!

SS: Namaste! Namaste!!

TR (STONER): Wow. Like this is just like totally totally cool, like totally.

GK: And seeing their candidate come out for his victory speech.

TR (OBAMA): Thank you for giving me a second term. I was so clearly the smarter candidate, so good on you for recognizing what we knew a long time ago. Harvard Law beats Brigham Young. Let the revels begin.

(CHEER)

SS: TAKE AWAY THEIR GUNS AND DO IT TODAY

TR: MAKE SURE THEIR FOOTBALL TEAMS CAN'T PRAY

FN: SURRENDER TO THE COMMUNISTS! THROW IN THE TOWEL!

SS: CAN'T BUILD A HIGHWAY IF IT HURTS AN OWL

GK: So you gather in the beer joints of Texas, you and all your Confederate friends, with your coon dogs (SFX) and your banjos (SFX) and you fry up some possum (FN: Try the ears. Nice and crispy.) and you do reenactments of Gettysburg (CANNONS, HORSES) and Shiloh and Vicksburg except this time the gray team wins and you decide to build The Great Wall of Texas. (SHOUTS OF WORKMEN). And you get a trainloads of bricks (WHISTLE, STEAM) and you get to work building the wall, foot by foot, brick by brick (MORTARING), and you build it along the Rio Grande and you wall off Louisiana --- FN: Au revoir, bon temps roulez (BRICK SLAPPED IN SLOT) and you wall off Oklahoma ---- FN: Don't have to look at you folks no more! (BRICK SLAPPED IN PLACE) and you wall off Mexico ---- FN: Got all the dishwashers we need, thank you (BRICK SLAPPED IN PLACE) and finally, the last brick goes in. (SFX). The wall is up. The Great Wall of Texas. And it's beautiful and you want to take a picture of it with your phone, so you look for your backpack, the one with your cell phone in it—

(FOOTSTEPS, STOP)

FN: It was just here.

GK: You just had it a second ago.

FN: Uh oh.

GK: And then you realize.

FN: Oh no.

(A BEAT)

GK: It's on the other side of the wall.

FN: But there's got to be----

GK: No. You didn't put in any gates. You wanted to keep those people out.

FN: Oh boy.

GK: The backpack has your cell phone in it —your car keys, your drivers' license.

TR: Excuse me. --- You. ---- Let's see your I.D.

FN: You know me, Al.

TR: Sorry, Jim Ed, it's the law. Gotta see your I.D.

FN: Come on, Al. Quit jerking me around.

TR: No I.D. ---- back you go.

(CATAPULT BEING WOUND)

GK: So they put you on a huge catapult to hurl you back to the U.S.A. (FN PROTEST) Welcome back. (CATAPULT RELEASE, FN FLIGHT, LANDS IN MUD) We missed you. How about a cold beer? (BAND PLAYOFF)

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