SFX, November 17, 2012

The Brown Theater at the Wortham Theater Center

Houston, TX


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GK: ---- I was born in Minnesota (BLIZZARD, WOLVES) and that's how come I am as white as I am, frostbite has killed off much of my flesh, I don't have any feeling in my feet at all and that's how come I can (HAMMERING) nail them to the floor. No feeling. My mother was from Minnesota and Daddy was from Texas and he liked to shoot things (GUNSHOT) ---- he'd shoot anything, beer bottles (SHOT, GLASS BUST) or pheasants (WINGS, GUNSHOT) or the side of a barn (GUNSHOT, CRUNCH) or sometimes he'd shoot himself in the foot (GUNSHOT, THWORT) just for the heck of it. Mom was a northern liberal, she loved Renaissance music (SHAWM, SACKBUT) and she taught us to play tennis (SFX) and we listened to the speeches of Franklin D. Roosevelt (STATIC, TR: ALL WE HAVE TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF) and we listened to Pete Seeger (BANJO, TR SINGS: You've got to go down and join the Union, you've got to join it by yourself) and like all liberal children, I played soccer (RUNNING, PANTING, TR: Midfield! Midfield, Trevor! Come on, Jared! Come on, Sean!) and one day my dad came home from coonhunting and saw me in my soccer uniform and he got mad

FN (DAD): What in the Sam Hill is going on here? What're you doin playing soccer? What kind of a pantywaist game is that? That's no American game. Nobody hitting anybody.

GK: But Dad----

FN (DAD): Don't you "but Dad" me----- I am sending you down to Texas so you can go out for football.

GK: So I came down to Houston, to the Audie Murphy Memorial High School and went out for football and because my foot was frozen I became a punter. (TR P.A.: Coming in... to punt for Audie Murphy......No. 13.....Carson Wyler) This was the year that we played Ernest Tubb High and I did a lot of punting that afternoon from deep in my own end zone ----- (TR CADENCE, CRUNCH OF BIG LINEMEN, FLIGHT OF BALL, LINEMEN RUSHING) and our defensive line was four slender boys, all of them English majors, and I got the punt off (PUNT) just as I was hit by three 250-pound linemen (BIG GORILLAS LUNGE, GK OOFFF, GROANS, REF'S WHISTLE) and there was a penalty on the play ---- (TR ON P.A.: ROUGHING THE KICKER. FIRST DOWN, AUDIE MURPHY) (ROAR OF CROWD) ---- and I limped to the bench (LIMPING......)Where am I?

SS (DEEP): Over this way, Carson. (GK GROAN) You just got off a great punt and you drew a Roughing the Kicker penalty. You did great.

(GK GROANING)

SS (DEEP): You'll be okay. Give him some oxygen. (OXYGEN VENT) Slap him a few times. (WHACKS)

GK: Audie Murphy was down by seven touchdowns but our demented coach would not quit. (TR KIRK: You've got to go in there and draw more Roughing the Kicker penalties, Wyler. That's the only way we can move the ball) ----(FN CADENCE, BALL IS HIKED, FLUTTER OF BALL, ONRUSHING LINEMEN) (PUNT) (CREAMING OF GK, REF'S WHISTLE) (TR: ROUGHING THE KICKER. FIRST DOWN)

So we had a first down on Ernest Tubb's 35 yard line. My job was to kick a field goal to make it 49-3.

TR KIRK: You can do it, Carson. For the honor of Audie Murphy. For your teammates. (GRUNTS) Do it for Texas.

TEAM SINGS QUIETLY:
The eyes of Texas are upon you.
You're the one they'll blame.
The eyes of Texas are upon you.
So don't screw up the game.)

GK: So I went out to kick a 45-yard field goal and my place holder was Marvin Malloy (FN HIGH SHAKY: I'm not gonna hold it too long, okay?) and the snap from center (SLOW FLUTTERING) was high and slow and five four-hundred pound linemen (WILD BUFFALO CHARGE) and Marvin got the ball just as they stepped on him (BELLOW, CRUNCH OF BONES) and the ball leaked out (SQUORT) and I grabbed it and I ran as the linemen went by (BELLOWING BEASTS) and I went for the goal line (GALLOPING FEET, PANTING) and I crossed the goal line (CHEER) and (RUNNING, PANTING) I kept going all the way to the freeway and (SEMI HORN, BRAKES) I got a ride with a trucker who took me to Tulsa and (TRAIN WHISTLE) I hopped a freight to Chicago and (STEAM SLOWING) and I saw an ad in the paper for an aerial stuntman so I rode on the wings of a Curtiss Ingham biplane (SFX) doing loops and barrel rolls at air shows all the way up to Minnesota where we crashed into the Mississippi River (SFX) and I was rescued beautiful blonde on water skis (SPEEDBOAT, SS: HERE! TAKE MY HAND! Whoosh) and every since I returned to Minnesota, I have avoided anything dangerous like football. I like Renaissance music (SHAWMS, SACKBUTS) and I like to play tennis (SFX) and I raise cats (MEOWS), the animal of choice for northern liberals, and I do this show and sing duets with gentle women such as Christine Digiallonardo.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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