GK: Dead Men Keep No Promises...... brought to you by NorComm and the NorComm Family of Companies. Your Satisfaction is our Reward.
SS: Rent is so high in Manhattan and when we moved here from Omaha, we were so shocked that we rented a house on Staten Island. But Staten Island was too much like Omaha. We didn't move to New York so we could have a yard and a garage. And then we went to Omaha for Thanksgiving—
TR: After dinner somebody's grandson had to play the piano for us (FALTERING PIANO). And Aunt Barbara got out a carousel of slides from her trip to Thailand.
SS (WARBLY): Here I am in the Temple, (SLIDE) and here I am on the beach eating a mango (SLIDE) here's the guy who sells the mangos on the beach (SLIDE).
TR: And I lay awake all night on the rollaway listening to Uncle Henry's sleep apnea machine (SFX) and dozed off and woke up with cats walking on my face-----Get off! (CAT DISMAY) (BRIDGE)
SS: Thanksgiving made us more determined to find an affordable place in Manhattan. And the next day we did.
TR: A three-bedroom apartment on the 6th floor of a condo complex in Tribeca.
SS: It was vacant.
TR: The owner had died of a heart attack.
SS: We made sure it stayed vacant by posting a big yellow sign, "Keep Out. Quarantined for Rabies. If You See A Rat, Report to Dept of Health. Thank you for your cooperation."
TR: And that night we moved in.
SS: It was beautiful. And it was free.
TR: Only problem was --- the owner who had died of a heart attack came back to visit the apartment.
FN: What are you doing here? Get out of here or I'll call the cops.
SS: Harvey Schiller?
SS: You're dead. You died of a heart attack.
FN: Huh. No wonder I felt so tired. I was going to call my internist. Guess I should've called a pathologist.
TR: Anyway, you're dead. It's right here in the paper. See. Your obituary. "Schiller, Harvey, 83. Accountant.
FN: Lemme see that......hmmm hmmmm hmmmm---- What a bunch of nothing. I'm dead for a week and already I'm forgotten. Look at this obituary ----- Nothin. ------ Look---- "Survived by his loving children, Harvey Jr., Ida, Josephine....." Loving children, my aunt Fanny. What about my girlfriend Lola? I had a 32-year-old girlfriend. Who adored me.
TR: Sorry, pal. I'm sure it's hard to get used to being dead. But let me ask you straight out----- how long you planning to stick around here?
FN: I'm gonna find out who wrote that obituary. I'm gonna kill him and write his obituary.
SS: Mr. Schiller, with all due respect, what difference does it make? Go to your reward. Heaven awaits you.
(KEY IN DOOR, DOOR OPEN, THREE FOOTSTEPS)
ER: Harvey? Harvey? ---- (GASP) Who're you? What're you doing here?
TR: Lola, we have bad news.
SS: Harvey's gone, Lola.
ER: Gone where?
SS: He passed, Lola. He went over to the other side.
ER: Over to New Jersey?
TR: He has gone to his reward, Lola.
ER: You mean he croaked?
TR: Yes, Lola, he croaked.
ER: Oh boy. I told him a hundred times. Write the will. Write the will. Put it in writing. Sign it. But did he? No way. What'd he die of?
SS: Heart attack. It was sudden.
ER: Wish I'd been around, I would've made it even more sudden. What a selfish jerk he was. Mind if I get my stuff out of the closet?
TR: Go right ahead. Take your time. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY) (FREEZE TWO BEATS)
FN: Boy. That hurts. Whatever happened to "Speak no ill of the dead"? I had no idea she felt that way.
TR: Don't worry about it. Go to heaven and make the best of it.
FN: So you two are gonna move in here?
TR: For awhile.
FN: Well----- I'll be on my way then. Help yourself to the wine—
FN: See you.....eventually.
TR: Watch yourself outside.
SS: It's slippery. Wouldn't want you to fall and hit your head.
FN: I'm already dead. What's the problem?
SS: Oh right.
TR: He's gone.
SS: You sure?
TR: Of course.
ER: Okay. I got my stuff. You wouldn't happen to have a hundred bucks you could lend me, do you?
TR: Sure, kid. (HE COUNTS OFF FIVE TWENTIES.) There. Have a nice day.
ER: He promised me I'd inherit everything. What a cheat.
SS: Dead men keep no promises, Lola.
ER: Guess not. (BRIDGE)
TR: We loved that apartment. So what did Harvey do? He somehow notified the cops and we were thrown into prison for first-degree larceny. He told us we could stay there and then the moment our back was turned......wham.
GK: DEAD MEN KEEP NO PROMISES......was brought to you by the NorComm Family of Companies. Your satisfaction is our reward.
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).