Dead Men, November 24, 2012

The Town Hall

New York, NY


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Dead Men

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(THEME)

GK: Dead Men Keep No Promises...... brought to you by NorComm and the NorComm Family of Companies. Your Satisfaction is our Reward.

(MUSIC UNDER)

SS: Rent is so high in Manhattan and when we moved here from Omaha, we were so shocked that we rented a house on Staten Island. But Staten Island was too much like Omaha. We didn't move to New York so we could have a yard and a garage. And then we went to Omaha for Thanksgiving—

TR: After dinner somebody's grandson had to play the piano for us (FALTERING PIANO). And Aunt Barbara got out a carousel of slides from her trip to Thailand.

SS (WARBLY): Here I am in the Temple, (SLIDE) and here I am on the beach eating a mango (SLIDE) here's the guy who sells the mangos on the beach (SLIDE).

TR: And I lay awake all night on the rollaway listening to Uncle Henry's sleep apnea machine (SFX) and dozed off and woke up with cats walking on my face-----Get off! (CAT DISMAY) (BRIDGE)

SS: Thanksgiving made us more determined to find an affordable place in Manhattan. And the next day we did.

TR: A three-bedroom apartment on the 6th floor of a condo complex in Tribeca.

SS: It was vacant.

TR: The owner had died of a heart attack.

SS: We made sure it stayed vacant by posting a big yellow sign, "Keep Out. Quarantined for Rabies. If You See A Rat, Report to Dept of Health. Thank you for your cooperation."

TR: And that night we moved in.

SS: It was beautiful. And it was free.

TR: Only problem was --- the owner who had died of a heart attack came back to visit the apartment.

FN: What are you doing here? Get out of here or I'll call the cops.

SS: Harvey Schiller?

FN: Yes?

SS: You're dead. You died of a heart attack.

FN: Huh. No wonder I felt so tired. I was going to call my internist. Guess I should've called a pathologist.

TR: Anyway, you're dead. It's right here in the paper. See. Your obituary. "Schiller, Harvey, 83. Accountant.

FN: Lemme see that......hmmm hmmmm hmmmm---- What a bunch of nothing. I'm dead for a week and already I'm forgotten. Look at this obituary ----- Nothin. ------ Look---- "Survived by his loving children, Harvey Jr., Ida, Josephine....." Loving children, my aunt Fanny. What about my girlfriend Lola? I had a 32-year-old girlfriend. Who adored me.

TR: Sorry, pal. I'm sure it's hard to get used to being dead. But let me ask you straight out----- how long you planning to stick around here?

FN: I'm gonna find out who wrote that obituary. I'm gonna kill him and write his obituary.

SS: Mr. Schiller, with all due respect, what difference does it make? Go to your reward. Heaven awaits you.

(KEY IN DOOR, DOOR OPEN, THREE FOOTSTEPS)

ER: Harvey? Harvey? ---- (GASP) Who're you? What're you doing here?

TR: Lola?

ER: Yes?

TR: Lola, we have bad news.

ER: What?

SS: Harvey's gone, Lola.

ER: Gone where?

SS: He passed, Lola. He went over to the other side.

ER: Over to New Jersey?

TR: He has gone to his reward, Lola.
(PAUSE)

ER: You mean he croaked?
(PAUSE)

TR: Yes, Lola, he croaked.

ER: Oh boy. I told him a hundred times. Write the will. Write the will. Put it in writing. Sign it. But did he? No way. What'd he die of?

SS: Heart attack. It was sudden.

ER: Wish I'd been around, I would've made it even more sudden. What a selfish jerk he was. Mind if I get my stuff out of the closet?

TR: Go right ahead. Take your time. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY) (FREEZE TWO BEATS)

FN: Boy. That hurts. Whatever happened to "Speak no ill of the dead"? I had no idea she felt that way.

TR: Don't worry about it. Go to heaven and make the best of it.

FN: So you two are gonna move in here?

TR: For awhile.

FN: Well----- I'll be on my way then. Help yourself to the wine—

SS: Thanks.

FN: See you.....eventually.

TR: Watch yourself outside.

SS: It's slippery. Wouldn't want you to fall and hit your head.

FN: I'm already dead. What's the problem?

SS: Oh right.

(FOOTSTEPS AWAY)

TR: He's gone.

SS: You sure?

TR: Of course.

(FOOTSTEPS)

ER: Okay. I got my stuff. You wouldn't happen to have a hundred bucks you could lend me, do you?

TR: Sure, kid. (HE COUNTS OFF FIVE TWENTIES.) There. Have a nice day.

ER: He promised me I'd inherit everything. What a cheat.

SS: Dead men keep no promises, Lola.

ER: Guess not. (BRIDGE)

TR: We loved that apartment. So what did Harvey do? He somehow notified the cops and we were thrown into prison for first-degree larceny. He told us we could stay there and then the moment our back was turned......wham.

(THEME)

GK: DEAD MEN KEEP NO PROMISES......was brought to you by the NorComm Family of Companies. Your satisfaction is our reward.

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