Open, November 24, 2012

The Town Hall

New York, NY


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GK: Meanwhile New Yorkers dream of a life in Minnesota, where they imagine they'd build a log home with their bare hands (CHAINSAW, TR: Raise high the roofbeam, my comrades!) and they'd keep bees (SFX), and have a honey operation and every morning they'd get up early (ROOSTER) and collect the honey and calm the bees with their humming (CHANT, BEES REPEAT) and they would keep sheep (SFX), whose wool they would spin into organic yarn (SFX) which they would hand-dye using the juice of berries (SQUORT, SQUORT) and they would weave the wool (HAND LOOM) into beautiful wallhangings that they'd sell to wealthy New Yorkers for $100,000 apiece (FN PLIMP: I love the colors, the magenta and the puce and the mauve and azure, they really come alive, it'll be terrific on my study wall) and life would be golden and they could sit on the porch and practice their mountain banjo picking (SFX) and churn some butter (SFX) and carry on the oral storytelling tradition. (FN MINN: So anyway this happened to me when I was driving up to Fergus Falls and I saw this hitchhiker and I stopped and he got in the car and right away I noticed that there was something different about his feet, he didn't have shoes on, he had hooves. Anyway, I wasn't going to say anything (FADE) and we drove along for awhile, and finally he says to me.......) But New Yorkers who imagine that are unaware of one little thing. (BLIZZARD, WOLF) That's right. Winter...

GK: ...You get one good blizzard and you've got to go find those sheep (SHEEP IN TROUBLE, OFF) out on the frozen wastes and you wind up bringing your sheep into your log cabin (STRESSED OUT SHEEP) and when you have a hundred sheep in a one-bedroom cabin plus (BEES) a hive of bees, you're going to miss New York. I just say this to New Yorkers in this audience tonight who have been considering moving to Minnesota, and I'm here to tell you—don't do it. Yes, it can be stressful to live here, but that's what a yoga membership is for. Figure it out. Get a second job. Marry a rich person. (FN PLIMP: How do you like this wall hanging, darling. I bought this in Minnesota. Yes. From a New York couple who took up weaving and then they froze to death.) Don't go west.

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